Accidental Surrogate

Ella

Pain.

My first reaction is pain – blistering and hot, like having my body suspended over a pit of flames and slowly roasted. Sinclair won’t need me anymore. I’ll lose him. For all my resistance, I’ve become hopelessly attached to Sinclair, and my feelings for him are far stronger than I’d like to admit. The idea of not having him in my life anymore is so excruciating I can’t even consider the possibility head-on. I want to run and hide from it, to pretend it isn’t real rather than suffer the agony it unleashes.

I breathe through the torment, wondering how much time has passed while I grapple with this news. It feels like hours, but it’s probably only been moments. Once the pain passes, there is only denial. Lydia can’t be pregnant. She and Sinclair attempted to conceive a child for years… one night couldn’t possibly give them success when years of trying resulted in nothing more than broken hearts and a failed marriage. Right?

Of course, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing in the world if they did succeed after all this time. My conscience suggests – and she’s right. How many stories have I heard over the years from well-meaning friends trying to make me feel better about my own infertility struggles? “Just wait, the day you stop trying is the day you’ll conceive.” they’d say, or, “sometimes the stress alone can keep you from succeeding, at some point you just have to let all that go.”

They didn’t realize how hurtful it was, almost like they were blaming my infertility on me wanting it too badly. They also didn’t appreciate that this might be true for some women, but it’s completely false for many others. Some women would never conceive, no matter what they did. Still, they might have been wrong to try and placate me that way, but that doesn’t mean those cases never happen. Maybe a blacked out one night stand was what it took for Lydia and Sinclair to finally make a baby together.

What if Lydia is pregnant? I think hesitantly. What if she and Sinclair finally achieved the thing which had cost them their marriage? Could a child be enough to repair the damage in their relationship? Suddenly I see a future where Sinclair and his mate have a child – while my own pup and I are able to quietly live in the background – no more lies, no more fraud. Completely safe.

Wouldn’t that be better than this? Even if I’m heartbroken over Sinclair, isn’t my baby’s safety more important than anything? Won’t I always be sick with guilt as long as I’m continuing this fraud? Isn’t it right for the pack to have a true Luna?

No! Something feral and ferocious screams up inside me, Sinclair is ours! She can’t have him!

That’s selfish. I realize, hating the truth even as I recognize its weight. It’s selfish to keep him for myself if it’s not right for him, for the pack. This isn’t just about me. It’s about millions of people who need Sinclair to lead them.

if she is pregnant?” I ask, just barely surfacing from the thoughts attempting to drown

dismisses easily, echoing my initial thoughts. “we don’t even know if I slept with her, and even if I did, we tried for years to no

press, needing him to hear me out. “I mean, if she is pregnant, then you’ll have another potential heir, and its mother will be a she-wolf. That’s everything you’ve been looking for. I have to think that a

in his heels, his sharp gaze

slide out of the bed so he can’t use his physical proximity to overpower my senses. “Because no matter what I do, I can never be

saying?” Sinclair

that if she is pregnant, that might not be a bad thing.”

aware of how strange it is for me to be making this argument. “Ella, you know what kind of woman Lydia is – she’s

isn’t terrible, just that you need a true Luna.” I remark with a weak shrug. “And with you there to keep her

grumbles, sounding every bit as petty and mutinous as I must have

arrangement of ours is temporary, and only binding until you find a real mate from the

nuzzling my neck and squeezing me just a bit tighter, as if

Is that affection all for me? Is he responding to the baby? How is it we’ve

this now, but once he’s here with us, I’m going

voice in the back of my head interjects. Sounds to me like you’re just making

fit to put some distance between our bodies. He shifts me to face him on the hospital bed, keeping his

doesn’t change the situation we’re in. “Because it’s one thing to deceive the pack and the

you want?”