Falling For The Man I Married

"Well, how would I start? Uhm... I am an illegitimate child."

His mouth fell open, I know he wanted to say something but he remained quiet so I continued my story. 

"I know my Mom already told you she's not a Davis, not like me. It's because I was born out of marriage. My father has his own family when he and my Mom got into a relationship, and then I came. And do you remember when I told you about my siblings? They were just my half brother and a half-sister."

I sighed as I remember them. I missed them so much.

"I was ten when I found out the truth about my Mom and my father's relationship. I was so happy before then. I thought I had a complete family, with my Mom, my Dad and my siblings who were both older than me. But when I reached the age of ten, I started to ask some questions about our situation."

"I thought we were family. And when you say 'family' it means they all live on the same roof. But why do my Dad and my brother and sister have to go home every afternoon or every time they come to visit us. I've always asked Mom about it, but she just kept changing the topic when it comes to that question."

"And then I learned how to use the internet. Facebook, youtube, google, and I searched for my Dad's name on Facebook. And then it explodes! I found out that we're just his second family. That he's married and my mother was just his second woman. That we're just his second option."

I felt warm tears forming around my eyes. All my life, we have never become first, we're just a second family, I was just a child of the second wife, but until now, I was still a second option, my heart personally chose to be just a second choice. 

No... wrong! I wasn't a second choice, because I wasn't even listed from one of his choices, but yeah, I remember, I once became his first... 'his first support' to his revenge plan. At least I experienced becoming first... 

"I was bullied after that in school, by our neighbours and everyone who knew our family story. They called my Mom a lot of names. A slut, a bitch, a plague in the society and whatever harsh words they wanted to call her and on me, I became their favorite pet everywhere. They were always shouting 'Hey, Madi! The illegitimate child, the second family, the second option!'.."

"And because of that, I wanted to prove to myself that they were wrong! That I can be first! I tried to participate in sports and because of it, I gave my Mom a new name... 'The mother of the champion'. I became first! I became the champion! And even at school, I always make sure I remained on top."

I wiped the warm liquids that now running down my face. He shifted himself closer to me and held both my hands. 

"But now you are the champion, Madi. No matter what they say, you will be our champion, you're number one for us. And you've already proven to them that you're not just a second option or a choice."

He said looking into my eyes, but it just brought me more tears and deep pain to my heart. 

-'Yeah, I've already proved it to them, but not to you. Because whatever I do, I will be just a second choice for you. I can never be your first, neither now nor ever.'- my heart murmured silently while I was still in closed eyes. 

you know what, no matter what they did or told us, I never felt mad with my Mom. Because I know the only wrong thing that she did was fall in love. To fall in love with the wrong person and the wrong situation. But it's different with my Dad. I haven't talked since then. It really hurts me to know that the man you're admiring was the same man who would also have broken your little heart and your little dream. When all I wanted in life is to have a complete family, but then I realized, it's never going to

into a hug and kissed me on

can't be a man for you... then I

pulled back and looked at him.

be

I smiled bitterly. 

can't." I said looking into his eyes as I shook my head. "How will

her? You can't be my man and I

looked back into the water. He didn't say anything,

can I

* * * * * * * * *

Gabriel's POV:

I just remained quiet and

how can I,

I wished to ease them or take them away from her. Now I understand her more and I think I'm ready to share that sensitive topic in

what's the real reason I can't move on with

her face. I know that she has been asking me since the first time I offered her to marry me and I also know she wasn't expecting

I was hurt and devastated when she left me. Remember I told you, I almost gave her everything? Well, I did. I gave up my dreams just for her. I was so stupidly in love with her during those times, so when she chose to go with Ray, I

this to me now?" she cut me off and I looked at her. "Was it

you completely and I think I've been in awe of

didn't speak again, so

the most?" I looked directly into her eyes. "That's when I found out that she had our

when she

my God, Gabriel!" she

that topic many times before, but for her, I'll try to open up myself more.

might be pregnant. She said she was on pills when we decided to live together and I just found out that she stopped it when she missed her period. And when she got pregnant, she didn't tell me as she wasn't ready. Then one day I