I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to envy

you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t

be better than you for

smarter than me, but I was not convinced. So, when you played, I studied. I didn’t even know

me outstanding,

thought, and that was

became better and better, I discovered that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that … they never wanted me

are their child. So

me working

also told myself that it didn’t matter if they could never love me, because I had

was the most

only thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste the

least I was not

day, Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually smarter and more talented

towards you, and I realized

it didn’t matter. He loved me. That

first, but then

Grace’s hoarse voice could be heard in the ward. She told the story in a steady

mom and dad’s love. Why would you take away grandfather’s

bystander, telling another person’s

remember how you got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking

face pale. After a long while, he said, “I

I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our family and

into your bedroom, and you rudely took off my

I know that you had a knack for handling

me out of

about it, so he would be disappointed

me. Then I believed

I went home with injuries every day, and you would treat

You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that,

“Do you remember what you said during

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

‘only I can

Grace paused.

pursed his

on, I didn’t hate you that much anymore, because

trembled. He lowered his head, his

the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red, “Why

suddenly grabbed the sheets,

his mouth. Staring at his quilt, he

bully

did we change so much

never behaved like this even when she was having a hard time. She even managed to remain calm after being cheated

But why did her eyes turn red? She

you everything,” After a long

into his eyes for a long time.

Or power?

Or fame?

finally confessed, after all these years. Grace was shocked by his

mom and dad loved me very much, but I was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught you things. I am the big brother,

stopped me from playing. But he would reproach you even if you only played for

I tried to draw his attention

ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything, but he never did

more jealous I became. Yet you don’t

eyes were filled with surprise. This was the first time she had listened to

Payne finished, Grace said