I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to envy

thought they didn’t like me because I had

I tried my best to be better than

is I’m stupid. Grandfather said you were smarter than me, but I was not convinced. So, when you

thinking that it would make me outstanding, so that mom and dad would love

I thought, and

better and better, I discovered that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that … they never wanted me

You are their

working

if they could never love me, because I

the most

feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste the sweetness of

least I was not

day, Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually smarter

expectation towards you, and

it didn’t matter. He

shocked at first, but then

ward. She told the story in

You already got mom and dad’s love. Why

bystander, telling

looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it

pale. After a long

chuckled softly, “When I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our family

that. You dragged me into your bedroom, and you rudely took off my clothes to

that you had a knack for handling

me

it, so he would be disappointed and look down

worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t

afterwards, I went home with injuries every day, and you would

me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I felt something different about you. You were strong

you remember what you said

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

said, ‘only I can bully my

Grace paused.

pursed his

hate you that much anymore, because

heard that, his shoulders trembled. He lowered his head, his

looked at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red,

sheets,

his mouth. Staring at his quilt, he went into a

can bully me. But, where were

Why did we change so

had never behaved like this even when she was having a hard time. She even managed to remain calm after being

at controlling her emotions. But why did

everything,” After a long while, Payne said

into his eyes for a long time.

Or power?

Or fame?

was also jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed, after all these years. Grace

and dad loved me very much, but I was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught you things. I am the big brother,

But he would reproach you even if you

draw his attention by

why he treated you so well and ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything,

got, the more jealous I became. Yet you don’t know anything about

were filled with surprise. This was the first time she had listened to him

Payne finished, Grace