I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

to envy

and dad loved you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t like me because I had done

tried my best to be better than

than me, but I was not convinced. So, when

that it would make me outstanding, so that

I thought, and that was what I

I discovered that they disliked me even

are their

me working

didn’t matter if they

most important person

the only thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste

least I was

Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually smarter and more talented

towards you, and I realized that he did

He

at first, but then he was

heard in the ward. She told the story in a

got mom and dad’s love. Why would you take away grandfather’s love,

like a bystander, telling another

remember how you got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it

too weak, his face pale. After a long while,

was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our family and

me into your bedroom, and you rudely

that you had a

you chased me out

you would tell grandfather about it,

was worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then

afterwards, I went home with injuries every day, and you would

of a fight. You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I

you remember what you said during

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

‘only I

Grace paused.

pursed his

didn’t hate you that much anymore, because I knew you

heard that, his shoulders trembled. He lowered his head, his

Grace looked at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes

the sheets,

in his mouth. Staring at

one can bully me. But, where

would protect me. Why did we

behaved like this even when she was having a hard time. She even managed to remain calm after being cheated

But why did her

gave you everything,” After a long while, Payne

stared into his eyes for a long

Or power?

Or fame?

finally confessed, after all these years.

I saw

reproach you even if you only played for

tried to draw his attention by

so well and ignored me. As I got older, I cared more

I got, the more jealous I became. Yet

was the first time she had listened to

finished, Grace said