I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to envy

too young. I thought

be better than you for their

were smarter than me, but I was not convinced. So, when you

would make me outstanding, so that mom and

I thought, and

that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that … they never wanted me

You are their

kept me working like a

also told myself that it didn’t matter if they could never love me, because I had

most important person

thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It

I was

Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually smarter and more talented than

expectation towards you, and I realized

didn’t matter. He loved

first,

Grace’s hoarse voice could be heard in the ward. She

mom and dad’s love.

a bystander, telling another person’s

the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently

was too weak, his face pale. After

I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone

me into your bedroom, and you rudely took off my clothes to see

did I know that you

me out of

was afraid that you would tell grandfather about it, so

me. Then

with injuries

a fight. You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I felt something different

you remember

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

I can bully

Grace paused.

his

on, I didn’t hate you that much anymore, because I knew you would protect

shoulders trembled. He lowered his head,

good.” Grace looked at the back of Payne’s head and choked,

suddenly grabbed the sheets,

tasted something bitter in his mouth. Staring at his quilt, he went into

one can bully me. But,

thought you would protect me. Why did we change so much

never behaved like this even when she was having a hard time. She even managed to remain calm after

controlling her emotions. But why

a long while,

for a long time. Was it

Or power?

Or fame?

was also jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed,

I was jealous every time I

from playing. But he would reproach you even if you only played for

to draw

I got older, I cared

more jealous I became. Yet you don’t know

were filled with surprise. This was the first time she had listened

Payne finished, Grace