I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to

dad loved you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t like me because

my best to be

said you were smarter than me, but I was not convinced. So, when you played, I studied.

thinking that it would make me outstanding,

was what I thought, and

they disliked me even more.

are their child. So am

anger kept me working

didn’t matter if they could never love me,

was the most

the only thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me

least I was not

brother was actually smarter and more talented than

and I realized that he did

matter. He loved me. That

at first, but

could be heard in the ward. She told the story in a steady

even more. You already got mom and dad’s love. Why would you take away

was like a bystander, telling another person’s

the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it

face pale. After a

in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about

You dragged me into your bedroom, and you rudely took off my clothes to see my

that you had a knack

chased me

was afraid that you would tell grandfather about it, so he would be disappointed and

worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t

afterwards, I went home with injuries every

was the booty of a fight. You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I felt something different about you. You were

remember what you said

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

‘only I can bully my

Grace paused.

his

on, I didn’t hate you that much anymore, because

trembled. He lowered his head,

at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes

grabbed the sheets, his heart beating

tasted something bitter in his mouth. Staring at

bully me. But,

thought you would protect me. Why did

this even when she was having a hard time. She

at controlling her emotions. But why did her

After a long while, Payne said

a long time. Was it

Or power?

Or fame?

also jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed, after

loved me very much, but I was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught

never stopped me from playing. But he would reproach you even if you only played

draw his attention

I got older, I cared

jealous I became. Yet

surprise. This was the first time she had listened to

finished, Grace said