I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

to

you. I was too young. I thought they

be better than

not convinced. So, when you played, I studied. I didn’t even know if it

make me outstanding, so

thought, and that was what

I became better and better, I discovered that they disliked me even more.

are their

kept me working like

that it didn’t matter if they could never love me, because

was the most important person

long time, the only thing that made me feel less useless

least I was not

said to me, “Your brother was

expectation towards you, and

didn’t matter. He loved me.

shocked at first, but

ward. She told

You already got mom and dad’s love. Why would you take away grandfather’s love, too? That was

was like a bystander, telling

you remember how you got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar,

After a long while, he said,

“When I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone

bedroom, and you rudely took off

did I know that you

me out of

tell grandfather about it, so he

didn’t blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t tell him

a long time afterwards, I went home with injuries every

against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I

remember

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

I can

Grace paused.

pursed his pale

you that much anymore, because I knew

that, his shoulders trembled. He lowered his head, his dim eyes revealing

back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red, “Why are

grabbed the sheets, his heart

he tasted something bitter in his mouth. Staring at his

bully me.

did we change so

even when she was having a hard time. She

emotions. But why did her eyes

everything,” After a long while,

his eyes for a long time. Was it about

Or power?

Or fame?

Payne finally confessed, after all these years. Grace was shocked by

dad loved me very much, but I was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught you things.

he would reproach you even if you only played for

tried to draw his attention

I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything, but he never did that with

older I got, the more jealous I became. Yet you don’t know

This was the first time she had listened

Payne finished,