I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to

dad loved you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t like me

be better than you for

I was not convinced. So, when you played, I studied. I didn’t even know if it would

would make me outstanding, so that

thought, and

I discovered that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that … they never wanted me to

You are their

anger kept me working

didn’t matter if

the most important person

thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval.

I was not

“Your brother was actually

could feel his expectation towards you, and I realized that

matter. He loved me. That was

shocked at first, but then he

could be heard in the ward. She told the

more. You already got mom and dad’s love. Why

was like a bystander, telling another

how you got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it with

face pale. After a long while, he said,

was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our

me into your bedroom, and you

know that you had

chased me out of

would tell grandfather about it,

worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t tell him

home with injuries

protected me against a

you remember what you said during

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

I can bully my

Grace paused.

his

you that much anymore, because I knew

lowered his head, his

at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes

sheets, his

he tasted something bitter in his mouth. Staring at his quilt,

said no one can bully me.

you would protect me. Why did we change so much after

she was having a hard time. She even managed

at controlling her emotions. But why did her eyes turn

you everything,” After a

for a long time. Was

Or power?

Or fame?

I was also jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed,

I saw grandfather taught you things.

But he would reproach you even if you only played

to draw his

ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that.

I became. Yet

eyes were filled with surprise. This was the

Payne finished, Grace