I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

to

and dad loved you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t like me

best to be better than

truth is I’m stupid. Grandfather said you were smarter than me, but I was not convinced. So, when you played, I studied. I didn’t even know if it would

thinking that it would make me outstanding, so that mom and

thought, and that was what

and better, I discovered that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that …

are

working like a

it didn’t matter if

the most important person to

feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste the sweetness of love and

least I was

one day, Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually

and I realized that he did

it didn’t matter. He loved me.

was shocked at first, but then he

voice could be heard in the ward. She told the story in a steady and

mom and dad’s love. Why would you take away grandfather’s love, too? That was

was like a bystander,

She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it with her

pale. After a long while, he

school, I didn’t tell anyone about our family

and you

know that you had

you chased me out of

about it,

worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then I believed that

long time afterwards, I went home with injuries every day, and you would treat

on Payne’s shoulder. “This scar was the booty of a fight. You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I felt something different about you. You were strong

remember what you said during

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

said, ‘only I can bully my

Grace paused.

pursed his pale

I didn’t hate you that much anymore, because

He lowered his head, his dim

the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red, “Why are

sheets, his heart

eat anything. But he tasted something bitter in his mouth. Staring at his quilt, he went

can bully me.

would protect me. Why did we change

like this even when she was

her emotions. But why did her eyes turn red? She was

you everything,” After a long

his eyes for a long time. Was it

Or power?

Or fame?

jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed, after all these years. Grace

I saw grandfather taught you things. I am the big brother, but grandfather only cared about

never stopped me from playing. But he would reproach you even if you only played

draw his attention by

understand why he treated you so well and ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything, but

got, the more jealous I

with surprise. This was the first time she had listened to him

finished, Grace