I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to

you. I was too young. I thought they didn’t like me because I had

to be better than you

not convinced. So, when you played, I studied. I didn’t even know if it would

would make me outstanding, so that mom and

what I thought, and

even more. Only then did I realize that … they never

was angry. You are

kept me working like a

told myself that it didn’t matter if they could never love me, because I had

most important person to

long time, the only thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste the sweetness of love

I was

Grandpa said to me, “Your brother was actually smarter and more talented than

and

matter. He loved me.

at first, but

Grace’s hoarse voice could be heard in the ward.

dad’s love. Why would

bystander,

got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking

pale. After a long while, he said,

I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our

bedroom, and you rudely took off my clothes to see

I know that you had a knack for

me out of your

would tell grandfather about it, so he would be disappointed and look

blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t tell him about

time afterwards, I went home with injuries every day,

a fight. You protected me against a bunch of hooligans. They cut you. After that, I felt something different about you. You were strong

you remember what

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

said, ‘only I

Grace paused.

his

that much anymore, because I knew

his shoulders trembled. He lowered his head, his dim eyes revealing something

good.” Grace looked at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red, “Why are we

suddenly grabbed the sheets, his heart beating

his mouth. Staring at his quilt, he went into

one can bully

would protect me. Why did we change so much after

even redder. She had never behaved like this even when she was having a hard

emotions. But why did her

After a

for a long time.

Or power?

Or fame?

confessed, after all these years. Grace was shocked by

was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught you things. I am the big

playing. But he would reproach you even

tried to draw his attention

understand why he treated you so well and ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything, but he never did that

the more jealous I became. Yet

This was the

finished, Grace