I've Been There Before

Grace stood in front of the white door for a long time. Finally, she reached out and opened the door.

“I won’t eat.” Payne lay on the bed, weak and haggard. These days, he had been anxious. The desire to live kept him struggling in pain.

However, the pain was too much to bear. With days passing by, he grew increasingly desperate.

He wanted to live, so he fought with the agony and the disease, dreaming to go back to the days when he could enjoy the luxury life had to offer and be carefree.

Mrs. James cried every day. Payne couldn’t bear to watch her like that. Then she got sick, too. Payne was a little relieved that he finally didn’t have to be around her.

Only the housekeeper would deliver food to him. Mrs. James hired the best nurses for her beloved son. They worked 24 hours a day and took turns to take care of Payne.

Payne was fed up with this white room. When he had a clear mind, he would look out of the window. His eyes were no longer as bright as before.

When the door was opened, he thought the housekeeper had come with food. The medicine and the chemotherapy cost him his appetite. Everything tasted bitter.

Now he would only eat when he was starving.

He was even too weak to speak.

Naturally, he wouldn’t bother to see who was coming.

He just sat on the bed, pretending to enjoy the view outside the window.

The he felt a shadow over him.

He didn’t want to waste his energy to check it out. Annoyance climbed onto his haggard face.

Yes, he was annoyed. He hated to have others pity him. If possible, he would rather it be the other way around.

“Get out,” Payne said in a weak voice, somewhat annoyed, “I know I am sick.”

“Is it affecting your mind, too?”

Payne heard a woman’s voice.

He froze, shocked.

He slowly turned his head from the window to the bedside. In just 45 degrees, his expression changed dramatically.

Staring at her for a long moment, he laughed self-deprecatingly, “Are you here to check if I’m dead?”

The woman remained silent. She pulled the chair beside the bed over and sat down. Glancing at Payne, she stood up, picked up a pillow from the sofa and put it behind Payne.

“What are you doing? Are you pitying me?”

Grace looked at his sunken cheeks for a long time. It was hard to recall his handsome features. He changed so much that she couldn’t recognize him.

She stretched out and buttoned Payne’s white hospital gown.

“What are you doing?” Payne pursed his pale lips with vigilance.

Grace shook off his hand and then unbuttoned the shirt. Then a scar on his shoulder was exposed. The wound had healed, but the scar was nasty.

“Do you remember how you got this?” she asked, her voice hoarse.

She stroked the scar. Payne wanted to dodge her hands as he felt the scar burning, his shoulders trembling.

“If you’re here for nostalgia, save it. I’m dying. What’s the point of reliving the past with a dying man?”

Grace ignored his harsh words and continued to caress him.

She continued, “I grew up with Grandpa.”

“Are you showing off? Grace, he is dead. You lost him forever.”

She ignored him again.

used to

thought they didn’t like me because I had done

be

smarter than me, but I was not convinced.

everything, thinking that it would make me outstanding, so that mom and dad

thought, and that was what I

better, I discovered that they disliked me even more. Only then did I realize that … they never wanted me

angry. You are their

working

if they could never love me,

most

the only thing that made me feel less useless was grandfather’s approval. It let me taste the sweetness of

I was not

“Your brother

you, and I realized that he

it didn’t matter. He

first, but then he

ward. She told the story in a steady and

dad’s love. Why would you take away grandfather’s love,

bystander, telling another

you got the scar?” She looked up at the brown scar, gently stroking it with her index

his face pale. After a long while, he said, “I

“When I was in primary school, I didn’t tell anyone about our family

you discovered that. You dragged me into your bedroom, and you rudely took off my clothes to see my

know that

chased me out of

you would tell grandfather about it, so

worried all day. But grandfather didn’t blame me. Then I believed that you didn’t tell him

a long time afterwards, I went home with injuries every day, and

the booty of a fight. You protected me against a bunch

remember

Payne’s eyes sparkled.

Grace continued.

‘only I can bully

Grace paused.

his pale lips

didn’t hate you that much anymore, because I knew

He lowered his head,

at the back of Payne’s head and choked, her eyes turning red, “Why are we like

sheets,

didn’t eat anything. But he tasted something bitter in his mouth.

can bully me.

you would protect me. Why did

She had never behaved like this even when she was having

good at controlling her emotions. But why did her eyes

gave you everything,” After a long while, Payne

stared into his eyes for a long time.

Or power?

Or fame?

I was also jealous of you.” Payne finally confessed, after all these

mom and dad loved me very much, but I was jealous every time I saw grandfather taught you things. I am the big brother, but

playing. But he would reproach you even if you only played for

draw his attention by

you so well and ignored me. As I got older, I cared more about that. He taught you everything, but he never did that with

got, the more jealous I became. Yet you don’t know anything

the first

Payne finished, Grace