The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance)

Chapter 153

The conviction in his voice, the gentle way he strokes his thumb over mine and pulls me to his chest to lean his nose against my temple, stirs a belief in me deep down that this is a genuine apology, for all of it. Alexi really does regret the past between us and for the first time, without doubt, question or niggles, I truly believe him.

We have hit a crossroad and I need to choose a path. I can either dwell and continue to find fault and put hurdles in his way, or I can take his hand and see where this takes us. I’m so tired of living in the shadows and misery. I have a longing to walk into the light and maybe my master of darkness will be the one to lead me there.

“No point dwelling anymore. The past will only drag you backwards.” I deflect the tender moment and push him away gently to give myself breathing space. Hating the route of our conversation and stare at the fire instead. Hating myself for being so conflicted and hot and cold with him, even if I cannot help it. Not knowing how to feel or how to be with him from one minute to the next is fucking me up. Trust will not be easy to gain, and my head will keep throwing a spanner in the works. I just need to take it as it comes, roll with the punches and trust my gut.

The low, flickering orange and yellow and the mesmerising dance of the flames instil peace as I try to cleanse myself of the erratic emotions building inside me. Trying to find something steady and stable to pin my attention on for just a few minutes while I pull myself together.

“You haven’t said much about his death, about what I did to him. Does it scare you? Does what I did to him change how you see me?” Alexi seems a lot less confident, his voice lower, softer, and it brings my attention back to him. I regard him for what feels like an eternity, turning this over in my mind before I shake my head and shrug, before answering.

What do I really feel? I guess if I’m honest, then not very much. A monster is dead; the world is a better place without him.

“I don’t know Alexi. Am I repulsed by knowing you tortured an abuser who brought pain to so many like me? No. He had it coming, and karma brought you to his shores. I knew who you were before I even met you. I know you have capabilities that most would be terrified of. I’m not. Am I scared because you took his life? No. I watched you take a man’s life once before and that scared me, but only because you didn’t seem to react to what you did. I didn’t know if I was next for having seen it. You were switched off emotionally, and I didn’t think I had any value to you back then.”

He wants honesty, so I’m giving it to him. Start as I mean to go on. No more lies between us.

“Even detached at what I was doing, I could never switch off my feelings for you. It’s part of the reason I lost my shit with you so easily. I would never physically hurt you like that.” He interjects, but I sigh it away.

“To me, you are someone who physically hurt me, more than once. Maybe not in the sense of hitting me or forcing me into something like Rick did, but you used things against me that did way more damage. I’m scared of what you could to me, but I’m not scared of the fact you’re a killer. It comes with the job and I know you are probably as numb to it as I am with the shit I endured in my life. I understand the psychology of learning to normalise abhorrent things, Alexi. It’s one thing I actually share with you to an extent.”

Oh, boy, do I know about becoming an acceptor of the seedy in a bid to live on through it.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I didn’t know the effect I would have on you—I swear. I thought it was lies and manipulation, and I was showing you it had no effect. I didn’t think there was truth in what you told me.”

“I don’t have many triggers, but Rick left his mark on me, and I’m still trying to find the way to overcome the last traces of him.”

I squeeze his hand, wanting him to stop explaining. I get it. I know why and I understand it deep down. Looking backwards, over the past few hours, has opened my eyes to so much that happened between us.

“I know. I didn’t exactly help.”

Alexi needs to stop twisting himself with guilt over this if we are to move past it. I believe him. He’s sorry, truly.

“What did you do to him?” I ask in afterthought, becoming a little detached and numb again and this whole scenario seeming more like a dream as adrenaline fades and I suffer the after-effects of a comedown. Mentally exhausted by it already.

I hadn’t wanted to know before but sitting here with Alexi being so open to honesty, there’s a part of me that does want to know. An idea of what my brutal abuser suffered before his demise. Maybe it will give me the closure I have sought my whole life. Knowing he got what he deserved in the end and experienced a tiny fraction of my suffering.

“I’m not sure telling you is a good idea. I can be a sick fuck. I know this; I don’t want you to be even more afraid of me than you already are. I’m trying to prove that I can be someone else for you.” Alexi looks uncomfortable once again and glances to his right to avoid me. Face forming a frown and I can feel the nervous energy all around us. He’s worried that I’ll only see the actions of a deranged monster and not the reasons he did them.

I’m past that now. I’m not his mother.

“You tortured him?” I push gently, dismissing his reasons for not being detailed and Alexi nods without looking back at me.

“Did he die from that or …?”

I want to know. I want him to tell me and normalise this between us as an insignificant conversation that puts it to bed and gives him no reason to think I will dwell on it after tonight. I don’t want him to carry doubt that it’s affected how I see him.

“I put a bullet in his head. I was wasting time there when I should have been here looking for you. I ended it because I had better things to do. My priority was continuing to look for the woman I sent running. Does that sound like a sane person?” Alexi sinks a little and I guess he hates that he just walked himself into this conversation with me and is killing his chances of proving he can be what I need.

to sit straddling him, he looks me dead in

I had the major hots for you the first time we did meet. Guess I’m not sane either when you look at it like that.” I smile softly and lean in to kiss him gently. Wanting so badly to take that look of utter rejection from his face. All I keep thinking about is how his mother pushed him away for being this person, and even though I know it’s not normal to love a killer, I want to

for

love. Even if it included torture and terrifying acts of

from the rooftops, but for a man like him, it’s a sign he gives a shit about me. It’s his way of

didn’t care then he wouldn’t have done it that way, he wouldn’t have killed him

because

about it. Remorse is not always a given when I feel it’s

a neutral tone. Seeing if I will up and run, but I stay put. Testing me to be sure I accept

do and what is needed to keep your empire safe.

my back, so he holds me as near as humanly possible, nose and foreheads firmly together.

to a whisper befitting our proximity, a softness to match the feelings rising inside me. Alexi leans to the side a little, a head tilt that puts our noses side by side so he can get nearer my mouth and kisses

both sides and draws my eyes to his as he

everything and undo all the mistakes I made. Those three words are my goal, but to deserve them this time and to never hurt you again. I would die for you, I will kill for you and I will rip this city apart if you needed it, London. I promise you I

painfully. There’s no hint of deviousness in the hoarse, raw way he’s saying those words or the penetrating gaze

you the chance to make me

my tears with another kiss, fuelled by longing and raw passion and I give in to it hungrily, wrapping my

In Alexi Carrero.

forehead, eyes re-joining. I trace his

in control of what happens between us.” He

Stilling with a finger wrapped in my hair, his eyes straying from my mouth to my eyes with that

His tone so soft and inviting and I impulsively shake my head. If I say yes, he will stop what he’s doing, and I don’t want him to stop touching me. I need

simple act of tenderness I would never in a million years have connected to him.

go backwards

you need, so I’m not riding blind all the time. I’m not good at reading you and I don’t

let someone in.” I feel stupid for saying it out loud, and the realisation of just how lonely my existence has been hits me in the face. Before him, I had no one,

don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I’m not about to walk away

you?” He raises a brow at me questioningly, like he suddenly

honestly have no idea. I wouldn’t divulge my deepest secrets to them the way I have blurted out to Alexi in the past, but I know neither of them

know,” I answer honestly because I truly don’t.

and scares me half to death. Rousing me fully as I’m not used to waking up beside someone, ever. My heart skips a beat for a second and sends me into instant sweats and floundering panic, deep inside. It all comes back to me in a rush and I blink at an unfamiliar ceiling and

head aches with the after-effects of far too much alcohol and a night of walking myself to death. I have a monster hangover, head pounding me into oblivion as those first few seconds of happy waking ebb away into reality, and now I remember whose fault

himself, who kept plying me with booze and egging me on. He is the reason I have

lying in bed with Alexi and I take stock of that for a moment, forgetting my miserable state and stare at his face just inches from mine and hold my breath for a second. Absorbing the moment. Connecting the

before I wake, and the fact he is still here, touching me tenderly, holds me still and makes me analyse how

What it means.

brought me to a place I can’t leave without his say so, and

his company overnight, but it’s an Alexi move at romance. I wouldn’t expect anything else

me, like he said. So, he made it

don’t even feel surprised

words to describe this sense of quiet contentment that waking in his arm gives me or the intimate way we are facing each other in the bed. Connected, close enough to share air although with enough space not to be overwhelmed, or for me to feel caged in by him. I’m drawn to watch him. The rise of that wide chest and fall as he sleeps on under my gaze. Unaware, trusting, so powerful as a male physique but he looks so young and vulnerable like this. To lie beside me, completely oblivious to me watching him. It’s a show of trust. He let me get beside him when he is at his most vulnerable. Face peaceful and blank, but so youthful

women at arm’s length and never too close and cosy. Now I think about it, it’s self-protection in other ways too. He has a lot of enemies and

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