The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance)

It’s bigger than me and I struggle to breathe through the tears I never knew I could cry. He broke me somehow, throughout the day; maybe this whole week has been building to this moment. These past weeks, months, most likely. My heart peeling off its layers of armour slowly and opening deep, dark secret rooms one by one to air them out and set things free.

Something had to give. All the pressure I have been bottling up, everything building. The mistrust, the fear, the heartache. It’s all unnecessary.

I belong to someone who will take me as I am, scars and all, and never judge me for it. Worthless and messed up to everyone else, but he doesn’t care about any of that. It doesn’t lessen the worth he thinks I have. And he sees a queen. He always did.

Finally, I truly believe him. Even when I thought I did … I didn’t.

Doubt—it dies a death and I make a conscious decision to stop questioning and twisting what I see when it comes from him. I trust him; he proves it over and over. For the first time in my life, I have complete, one hundred percent faith and belief in another person. I must hold on tight and never let him go.

He will always protect me and put me first. I just had to stop denying it and running from it. Find my voice and take down that last wall from between us, physically hack it down at the root. He had already done it for me, in every way. Marriage was the last tiny brick for him. You can’t get any more of a declaration of undying love and adoration than jumping to wed a girl who makes you walk through fire for even a smile. No hesitation either … no regrets.

He knew what he wanted, and he took it whatever way he could. He is willing to dissolve it to keep me happy, even after all of that and it says more than he ever could with words. Alexi has always been a man of action over words.

It’s like I’ve waited so long to unburden all of this properly. I guess I needed to really believe in this and standing here in the house where he once tore me down to nothing, I’m somehow finding a way to let it all go. Forgiveness is cleansing, and I forgive him for everything he has ever done. I’m freeing us both.

Fuelled by today, this morning, all this … I don’t know. Either way, my head and my heart are so done carrying it all with me and letting it stand in the way of what I could have. Blocking me from trusting him, having faith in him.

Every scar, every bruise, cut, wound, defilement of my body. Every punch, slap, kick and hand around my throat. Every man who took me against my will and every invisible mark it left on me. Every piece of my shattered heart at the hands of my parents. Every medical procedure needed to put me back together after another violent sexual or physical assault. All retreating into a deep, numb cavern that is no longer connected to me.

It’s as though those scars are now tears and I’m throwing them away one by one, giving them to him because he seems to know how to pull them out and throw them far away. Just holding me, keeping me close and letting me set my heart free.

There’re so many of them, it’s a tidal wave threatening to become a monsoon; maybe when I’m done, there won’t be very much of me left, but there’ll be the parts that are worthwhile to Alexi. The little parts of me he wants to keep and help nurture into something more.

He saw me. In the dark, despite being an invisible shadow. He somehow saw me through all the layers and masks and lies and found that little girl who never really had a chance. Someone to care about. He saw her, held out his hand, and told her it was okay to go with him. A broken little boy who felt as invisible as me, needing to be cared about in the right way. Somehow, we found each other and saw through everything we had put in the way to throw people off our scent. Two wounded little kids aching for home and love. So alike in so many ways.

The man I never believed could feel anything more than disdain for me, standing here to be my rock, holding me up as I expel years of damage and heartbreak into a huge wet patch on his shirt. Healing me just by holding me and waiting patiently until I’m done.

I finally found home.

I finally found worth.

Someone who wants me, for eternity.

Marriage can mean whatever I want it to mean. The proof is in the way he has given me control of everything between us since they came for me—he isn’t Rick and never will be. They are thousands of miles apart as people, and he made sure that monster will never grace my life again.

He is Alexi, my Lexi … and I never want to lose him.

Marriage isn’t his hold on me … it’s my hold on him. My certificate of ownership. Alexi surrendered his soul to me, not the other way around. I see that now. I was always the one with the power.

changes absolutely

without a second thought or a single fear about it. No matter what I’ve done to him.

real pleasure came in

mess of me as I pull my head back and try to focus on him through my watery, blurry vision. Things becoming clearer by the second, with an avalanche effect, gathering speed and seeing him as someone else entirely. No longer a master or someone to push me into the shadows. It was

it’s for me and me alone. He could walk out of this room right

hours of disconnection made me realise that fear is nothing compared to losing what we have. I can overcome fear. The silence and desolation

a time. I can see how it goes. I can always ask him later to dissolve it if that’s what I need. Somehow, deep down I know

that now. He does what I ask, what I need. I have to trust in that, in him. I don’t want to go back to being a nameless face in the shadows of his world, hiding my love for him. Today almost

at the casino. I need the title of wife, I need

stand up and be proud to be his queen. We were made to stand side by

fingers through my hair, across my face to move it back and cradles me tenderly. Pulling me up to

arrogance at all, and for some reason it makes me laugh, rather than mad. Tears breaking into giggles and I find myself both laughing and crying at the same time. A release

Why me? Of all the people in the world, why did you fall for someone like me?” I sound pathetic and pleading. But I need to know what made me so special in a world where he could have had his pick of women. Why did he choose the street rat, ex-hooker and devious manipulator as his lifelong mate? I don’t doubt the feelings; I just need to understand

prize, and kisses me on the forehead softly before wiping away some of

devil red makes for a combination that was made for me. I was never going to settle for a nice girl, London. I need a challenge, someone to put me in my place. Someone who

lightly, and even though tears are still sliding down my warm cheeks, I smile widely, my heart filling with so much love for him. Pain subsiding, heart fit to bursting, and somehow, I

It’s too valuable.

I guess I might need therapy because all the things which attracted me to you in the first place are probably all the things I should have run away

to do.” Alexi lets me go so suddenly I almost fall flat on my face with the surprise of it, such was the amount of my weight he was holding up, and I grab his shoulder to steady myself. A little taken aback by his sudden release. He steps back, eyes

blinking at him, confused with what he’s doing and just

he’s maybe dizzy or something. I really don’t connect the dots

it doesn’t mean I can’t fix it with a do-over. You wanted the memory, London. Your wish is my command. Will you marry me … again? Date and venue of your choosing because I love you enough to marry you twice.” Eyes locked on mine, smiling

through a bunch of short raspy

so surreal. Composing myself as best as I can although I should really give up and accept, I’m a complete mess. A short moment of calm in my internal storm and I wait for the grasping claws of panic to grip me once more,

to jelly and my insides to mush. Trepidation is in there,

those niggles about marriage and what it means, rise from the depths. Simmering inside and refusing to back down but I know I have control of this. They are just

my soul and keeping me grounded. Reminding me that fear is nothing compared

be like those men who maintain an empty marriage and visit women like me. Don’t betray me. Just be honest, always be honest. If this doesn’t work, don’t let it drag on. Don’t turn me into an object.” My hands shake as I realise exactly what I’m doing. I’m agreeing to this and laying down the boundaries as we do. It’s our thing. Setting the guidelines, the rules and terms to our arrangements. Willingly shackling myself despite the

end with this man while all my doubts and questions are screaming at me to stop and be more cautious. I swallow it down and shake it away. Refusing to let

between us with something as silly as sense and logic. I mean, it was stupid decisions that kept leading me right back

mistress

swear, I’ll never lie to you. I’ll never deceive you, and if things go sour, I’ll fix it, or I’ll end it. I promise.”

answer. Nerves getting the better of me and tears threatening to overflow once more. It’s that last little moment of panic that feels a lot like stage fright before stepping out into

There’s nothing to be scared about when you’re with me. I’m not scared anymore. It’s more terrifying to think of a future without you in it than anything else we do together.” Alexi seems so calm and in control, patiently kneeling there on the floor, probably bruising his knee on the Italian marble, and I take one last long heavy inhale to calm myself fully.

I can do this.

and all the fears, doubts and niggles quieten to a low hum rather than a deafening choir inside my head. I can live with the little noise they make when it’s all put into that kind of perspective and I remind myself over and over of the facts. Marriage may not be what I wanted but I’m willing to take each day as it comes to be with him. And if things head in any way I do not like, I will ask him for that divorce. My gut tells me he will give it to me. I’m pinning all of it on that little truth. When fear