Oh my god. Why would anyone want to cheat on him? I mean look at him. Why would she want to hurt him?
I shake my head as if I can’t believe it. I don’t want her to be the one.
Is she the reason he’s the way he is? Why he keeps women at arm’s length, and it’s just sex and fun? Did having his first love savagely rip his heart open make him unable to trust women in his life? Keeping them all at a distance, the way I do with everyone else.
“Why did you start seeing her again?” It’s out before I can stop it.
Do I want to hear him tell me how he’s never got over her? No, I don’t.
He shrugs and gazes at me intensely.
“It’s complicated.”
When is it ever not?
“Stop saying that,” I wail, instantly on my feet and I’m angry.
Why?
Because he’s my Jake. Not hers. I want him to want me, and only me; I know it’s never going to be that way and it ruins every part of me. Rages and burns that once, long ago she had exactly that and she threw it all away. She was a complete idiot!
“Emma … What do you want me to say?” he moves to me, and pushes me back to sit down, so he’s standing over me.
“You think I planned any of this shit?” he looks broken, eyes damp and face unreadable, yet somehow sad.
“Do you love her?” I ask of him, complete fear gripping me inside and I almost sob it out in desperation.
don’t cry. Not here.
across his face and I can’t read it. I’m scared
my head. “I don’t want to know.” He grasps my hands and pulls them
what you think,” he pleads, his body trying to cage
do I think? …
to go.” I shove him away, lost in teen Emma mode and rejecting contact, while my heart is crushing in on
in the next room, she’s pregnant with his baby. She’s the first love of his life. She’s the reason he avoids relationships. What am I supposed to think? She’s
air … space … Jake … I need space.” I gulp down tears and panic, and finally throw his hands off me. He lets
so I go into automatic pilot. I stalk toward the door, pulling up my
* * *
overtake me. I cry like I did the night he left me on that boat, and I think I may actually die this time. If my lungs don’t self-implode, I think my
even throw up; this isn’t my life … My life is calm and easy and straightforward. My job, my apartment, my responsibilities. They all slot into place and I manage them all well. This isn’t really happening. I’m in a parallel universe, or I’m dreaming. I’ll wake at any minute and this will all have been one long, bad dream. Except I know that it’s not. Meeting Jake has slowly changed it all, he is too potent to be around, changing me, changing how I think and live, until I don’t feel like I am in
how
* * *
I don’t know how long I’ve been, but I’m calm, and my tears have dried on their own, my face tight and swollen, but I don’t care anymore. I’ve been through so many emotions these
is dark and empty, I’ve been gone for two hours according to the wall clock ticking loudly in the modern suite. There’s
to be me, desolate, alone on one side, and Jake on the other side of a
that means, what that will feel like; too much has happened. Even if he told me he wanted me and only me, then how would that work? I don’t see how this could
do that? Can he?
his right hand, but surely that in itself is half
him. – I think
suddenly. Jake’s laid on my bed, illuminated by the lamp beside him with his laptop on his thighs. He’s been waiting on me, his cell tossed carelessly in the center of the bed, beside mine. I guess he tried to call me and found mine left behind. He flits his gaze from the screen, up to me and closes it silently, without breaking eye contact. He looks every
voice is steady and deep, hoarse from tiredness as my inner confidence slides silently from deep within and makes a quick exit via the door. I swallow and take a deep steadying breath, suddenly coy and
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