My voice catches in my lungs and I can’t formulate a reply, I just stare at him in open-mouthed silence, inner tingles waving over me like hot sauce. Jake’s never mentioned marriage before, I know he loves me, but part of me still finds it hard to believe he loves me as much as this.
“You want to marry me one day, right?” He halts and suddenly sounds so young and unsure, my silence making him think I’m freaking out in a bad way. I guess a small part of me is, but mostly I’m shocked into silence. He moves closer, panic in his face, the doubt that he’s said something he shouldn’t have. I reach out for him and he follows, wrapping himself within my arms.
“I just didn’t think you would want that with me,” I mumble, the tears stinging my eyes for a different reason and I sniff.
“Why wouldn’t I? You know how I feel about you … I’ve told you enough times.” His face comes to mine, his hand clasps my chin and tugs my eyes up to meet his.
“It’s just … I’m broken … You can have any woman you want, why would you choose to marry someone as messed up as me?” It’s the first time I’ve ever verbalized some of my inner insecurity and anxieties to Jake. Something I’ve always hidden because it’s such an ugly way to think and I don’t want him thinking me pathetic. He seems taken aback for a moment and stares at me with furrowed brows.
“Is this what goes on inside that head of yours? Is this how you think?” He seems genuinely surprised and I close my eyes and nod, painful to even admit this to him. This inner voice that’s always with me, always doubting my worth, always hiding in the recess of my brain that I would never let anyone see. Suddenly his mouth is against mine, his kiss forcing me to respond, his hands come up to cup my face and hold me close. I return the softness, parting my lips, sagging against him as our tongues meet, gently caressing. He kisses me until I’m panting then pulls away.
“You’re not broken … You’re scarred … You’re the only woman I ever want! Even if you left me tomorrow, I wouldn’t move on. Even when I thought I could never have you; I couldn’t just get over you. I couldn’t get you out of my head. Everything reminded me of you … … … Tell me what I need to do to make you feel secure, bella. To believe me … I’ll do whatever it takes to remove those doubts from that beautiful little head.” His gaze is so intent on mine that I feel like he’s trying to dig deep within my soul, trying to figure out why I would think this way. He’s no clue to the depths of insecurity I have inside of me, the depths of self-doubt and lack of worth. I’ve always hidden them so deeply behind my mask that no one knows, not even Sarah.
know what else he could do to make me believe that I
his eyes focused on mine, slipping into his second language because he’s emotional.
he breaks into a smile and looks down at his hands between
said: you’ve no idea how much I love you, baby.” He kisses me on the nose. “You tamed il Casanova, mio amore,
my eyes tightly and take a
maybe it’s time I told him why I’m
turn from me. Disgusted at what I am, but if I don’t, he’ll never really understand me. I owe it to him
the only man to ever hurt me in that way,” I say it so quietly, with such fear that I can’t even open my eyes and see how he’s looking at me. He stiffens, he isn’t sure if he should say anything or move, still holding my hand in his. He can sense that my statement is something more than a random
unsteadily. Knowing it’s now or never and before I lose
so much harder than I could ever imagine. Telling Jake of all people is the most devastating thing I’ve ever done. I don’t want to open my eyes, I don’t want to do this, but I know I must; If I’m ever to feel worthy of his love then he must know all of what he’s trying to love. Give him the full picture, so he can run if he wants to. He needs to see that dark side of me, the part I keep hidden away and only then,
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