“Can we go to bed?” I whisper. I’m still so exhausted,

I want to stop thinking, just for one moment and forget

any of this, forget everything but what he feels like. I’m

not ready to be free of his arms around me giving me

much-needed serenity. I sniff back the last of my tears and lift my chin to him.

“Together? Same bed?” He’s wary and being gentle. He doesn’t want to presume anything, so I nod and bring my eyes to his in the dim light.

“Don’t do anything more than hold me … I can’t … I just can’t do anything more than that, I don’t even know if we can even do this.”

Even though I know I need this.

I close my eyes and rest against him, trying to calm all the inner protests and voices telling me how pathetic and weak I am.

“We’ll take it every hour at a time, adjust to what you need. Just being with you is enough, neonata, it’s always enough.” He slides up and scoops me into his arms like a child, letting the throw slide from us to the floor almost gracefully.

as though I’m fragile and ready to break, to the bedroom and lies me down gently on the bed before moving back to give me space. Then he turns his back, so I can have privacy

silk camisole remain then I slide under the sheets. Being back in this room and in this bed with him, makes my heart lift a little, that empty hopelessness moving away just enough to let me breathe. When he hears me sliding into the

My body is yearning for more than his embrace but is quietened by my emotions building inside. I can’t bear to do more than this until I can push her out of my head if I ever can. What he did with her, the confusion about

brewing inside of me and she’s not ready to give up the fight just yet but she needs this for herself. She needs a break from the pain and he’s the only one who’s capable of giving it to her. A

times before. His deep steady breathing calms me completely, the thoughts, aches, and pains, drift into numbness. I’m

girl. Mommy’s little mirror

nothing

* * *

taking moments to come to terms with where

my waist, his legs across mine but he’s sound asleep. I take a minute to evaluate how I feel about waking

place? Check. Still not further forward in how

so I slide out of bed and go to the shower, locking the door for the first time ever. I’m not ready for anything to happen between us and need some time alone to stand under the massaging jets of water and think of nothing. I don’t regret being here or sharing a bed with him, my heart needs it and I meant it when I said I wanted to come home. This is where I belong, and Sarah is right; the only way I can begin to forgive him is by being here, surrounded by him and taking everything a day at a time. I don’t know when things will feel better for me, but I love him, and I can’t bear for it

of me has made up my mind to

moment to blink through this thought. I guess a part of me knew from drunk dialing him that I wasn’t ready to end things. I wasn’t ready to live a Jake-less life, but it doesn’t mean I can’t walk away. I need to see how this goes; see if I can move on and really get back

I can’t

smell of coffee and food is wafting through the walls. I pull my robe tighter and rub my hair with the towel, then leave it down to air dry; it’s

be giving me a break for now; it’s like she’s holding her breath, just waiting to see how things develop. For once I’m glad of the lack of constant emotional torture, and this new relative peace sweeping through me. I guess a decent

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