“Can we go to bed?” I whisper. I’m still so exhausted,
I want to stop thinking, just for one moment and forget
any of this, forget everything but what he feels like. I’m
not ready to be free of his arms around me giving me
much-needed serenity. I sniff back the last of my tears and lift my chin to him.
“Together? Same bed?” He’s wary and being gentle. He doesn’t want to presume anything, so I nod and bring my eyes to his in the dim light.
“Don’t do anything more than hold me … I can’t … I just can’t do anything more than that, I don’t even know if we can even do this.”
Even though I know I need this.
I close my eyes and rest against him, trying to calm all the inner protests and voices telling me how pathetic and weak I am.
“We’ll take it every hour at a time, adjust to what you need. Just being with you is enough, neonata, it’s always enough.” He slides up and scoops me into his arms like a child, letting the throw slide from us to the floor almost gracefully.
break, to the bedroom and lies me down gently on the bed before moving back to
back in this room and in this bed with him, makes my heart lift a little, that empty hopelessness moving away just enough to let me breathe. When he hears me sliding into the sheets, he pulls off his clothes too, keeping only his boxers on and he slips in beside me. He waits hesitantly to see if I want his touch, until I tug his hand toward me and he relaxes taking me back into his arms, holding me tight then
trace my hands along his powerful arms around me. My body is yearning for more than his embrace but is quietened by my emotions building inside. I can’t bear to do more than
a storm brewing inside of me and she’s not ready to give up the fight just yet but she needs this for herself. She needs a break from the pain and he’s the only one who’s capable of giving it to her.
doing, in the way we have done a million times before. His deep steady breathing calms me completely, the thoughts, aches, and pains, drift into numbness. I’m
pathetic girl. Mommy’s
I’m nothing like
* * *
taking moments to come to terms
legs across mine but he’s sound asleep. I take a minute to evaluate how I feel about waking up this way. I slowly pull myself free from his embrace and sit up in the bed, pulling my knees to my
Check. Still not
ready for anything to happen between us and need some time alone to stand under the massaging jets of water and think of nothing. I don’t regret being here or sharing a bed with him, my heart needs it and I meant it when
made up
that I wasn’t ready to end things. I wasn’t ready to live a Jake-less life, but it doesn’t mean I can’t walk away. I need to see how this goes; see if I can move
I can’t then I’ll
the smell of coffee and food is wafting through the walls. I pull my robe tighter and rub my hair with the towel, then leave it down to air dry; it’s at its waviest when
of me seems to be giving me a break for now; it’s like she’s holding her breath, just waiting to see how things develop. For once I’m glad of the lack of constant emotional torture,
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Fdb5rM6VVvS930DT1aKeDhjifFSBI9f/817jGVW9qzeBSGHnfAwpEUZvxI2WqotCI3sdo81Wy1IvnK5zIaA2LpkcCVo7cceEt7SJRldjrO8exkSFU+45pZ0VNHu/E8HMj8lH/eXXfDOiBrRTtwi0ky203sXTx5rGkt1L
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