“Can we go to bed?” I whisper. I’m still so exhausted,
I want to stop thinking, just for one moment and forget
any of this, forget everything but what he feels like. I’m
not ready to be free of his arms around me giving me
much-needed serenity. I sniff back the last of my tears and lift my chin to him.
“Together? Same bed?” He’s wary and being gentle. He doesn’t want to presume anything, so I nod and bring my eyes to his in the dim light.
“Don’t do anything more than hold me … I can’t … I just can’t do anything more than that, I don’t even know if we can even do this.”
Even though I know I need this.
I close my eyes and rest against him, trying to calm all the inner protests and voices telling me how pathetic and weak I am.
“We’ll take it every hour at a time, adjust to what you need. Just being with you is enough, neonata, it’s always enough.” He slides up and scoops me into his arms like a child, letting the throw slide from us to the floor almost gracefully.
to break, to the bedroom and lies me down gently on the bed before moving back to give
only my underwear and the silk camisole remain then I slide under the sheets. Being back in this room and in this bed with him, makes my heart lift a little, that empty hopelessness moving away just enough to let me breathe. When he hears me sliding into the sheets, he pulls off his clothes too, keeping only his boxers on and he slips in beside me. He waits hesitantly to see if I want his touch, until I tug his hand toward me and he relaxes taking me back into his arms, holding me tight then
His soft low huskiness makes me close my eyes and I trace my hands along his powerful arms around me. My body is yearning for more than his embrace but is quietened by my emotions building inside. I can’t bear to do more than this until I can push her out of my head if I ever can. What he
brewing inside of me and she’s not ready to give up the fight just yet but she needs this for herself. She needs a break from the pain and he’s the only one who’s capable of giving it to her.
down under the duvet and wrap my legs through his, without even thinking about what I’m doing, in the way we have done a million times before. His deep steady breathing calms me completely, the thoughts, aches, and pains, drift into numbness. I’m shocked
pathetic girl. Mommy’s
I’m nothing like
* * *
to terms with where I am. Fully rested for
across mine but he’s sound asleep. I take a minute to evaluate how I feel about waking up this way. I slowly pull myself free from his embrace and sit up in the bed, pulling my knees
not further forward in how I feel about him. Check.
out of bed and go to the shower, locking the door for the first time ever. I’m not ready for anything to happen between us and need some time alone to stand under the massaging jets of water and think of nothing. I don’t regret being here or sharing a bed with him, my heart needs it and
this mean a part of me has made
end things. I wasn’t ready to live a Jake-less life, but it doesn’t
can’t then
fluffy robe, the bed is empty, and the covers strewn messily, but the smell of coffee and food is wafting through the walls. I pull my
her breath, just waiting to see how things develop. For once I’m glad of the lack of constant emotional torture, and this new relative peace sweeping through me. I guess a decent night’s sleep
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Fdb5rM6VVvS930DT1aKeDhjifFSBI9f/817jGVW9qzeBSGHnfAwpEUZvxI2WqotCI3sdo81Wy1IvnK5zIaA2LpkcCVo7cceEt7SJRldjrO8exkSFU+45pZ0VNHu/E8HMj8lH/eXXfDOiBrRTtwi0ky203sXTx5rGkt1L
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