Gazing up at the crappy brown building that houses “The Haven” homeless shelter, an internal wave of anxiety builds up inside of me, like an all-consuming black hole, now that I’m faced with old memories. Jake is standing behind me with hands on my shoulders, a kiss on my neck brings me back to the present.

“Call me and I’ll come, okay?” His voice is a reminder that I can do this, I can be strong enough because of him.

“I know. Now leave, before I change my mind about going to the hotel first.” I giggle as his hand skims my ass; he’s a tempting distraction to what I know I need to do.

“If I’d known you were this torn about it, I would’ve applied a little more pressure.” He smirks wickedly, letting his hand trail lower under my dress. I laugh and shove him off playfully with my butt, which only serves to cheer him on because he pushes his hand further between my legs and I fight the scalding surge of heat it causes.

For the love of God. Stay focused.

“Go! There’s plenty of time for that later, a lot of that.” I smile as he holds up hands in defeat.

“I’m holding you to that, baby.” He smacks my ass and turns back to the car, winking and waving as he slides in effortlessly. I stand watching him and sigh, a chaos of emotions churning up at the loss of his touch. He waits by the sidewalk until I swallow down the inner dread; when it passes, I turn with a wave and head inside.

Jake won’t wander far, probably a nearby café or something within walking distance so he can get back to

me in a hurry. Knowing he’s close helps, knowing I can call him, and he’ll be right here gives me strength. It gives me the peace that I desperately need. The man is too much for my heart to handle sometimes but I wouldn’t have him any other way.

I swallow down everything building up inside of me and push through the doors into the main foyer of the building; it’s a lot nicer than the last time I stepped in here, and I remember my mother talking about refurbishments to this place the last time I saw her. It’s airy and light but cozy and welcoming. I spot the familiar receptionist, Claire, even after all these years she looks the same, but surprised to see me and beams at my entrance.

“Hello, Emma! Well look at you! God, you look really great. The vision of happiness with that glowing face of yours, and your hair is adorable.” I smile warmly, my composure slipping when faced with people from my past. The urge to lift my chin and force out those cold mannerisms and icy tone is almost overwhelming me, but I don’t. That instant compulsion died a while back, in the glory of Jake’s presence and I won’t slide into an old habit just to deal with my discomfort around this poor woman.

I was wondering if my mother was here, if I could maybe go surprise her?” I take her in with a genuine smile hiding my inner waves of

I imagine; holed up with her head in the books.”

Doubtful.

staircase at the far-right corner, thanking Claire as I go, by-passing

Wonderful.

elderly woman, with a huge sense of sadness for her as she drags carrier bags behind her, containing all her

time in a bid to get this over and done with before I lose my courage, then turn a corner to come face-to-face with the old familiar corridor leading to her office. The same pale cream walls and red carpet, no refurbishments up here to keep my memories at bay.

my demeanor. I picture Jake’s

I can do this.

turn the handle and walk in, like it’s the most natural

face. She looks up, hearing the door creak open and I catch a moment of shock gape across her mouth as it quickly turns into a warm smile, a little wary but still warm and it makes my stomachache. Doubt creeps in and makes this instantly harder. My mother is always capable of signs of

elbows bent in front of her. We still for a

pen for me to sit down. “Please, have a seat.” Her voice is steady, no hint

some privacy; deciding not to sit down, knowing I won’t be here long enough to get ‘comfortable’ – if that’s even the definition of what this situation is. I’m glad we’re here and

still angry about my behavior and my accusations, no doubt

Emma, this is what’s

seen many times; withdrawing any form of affection, like she always did when I was a child. She’s freezing me out, except this time it’s not because I’ve upset one

for daring to turn the finger back on her about my childhood. My mother is a narcissistic person, clear to me like a flash of

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