Gazing up at the crappy brown building that houses “The Haven” homeless shelter, an internal wave of anxiety builds up inside of me, like an all-consuming black hole, now that I’m faced with old memories. Jake is standing behind me with hands on my shoulders, a kiss on my neck brings me back to the present.

“Call me and I’ll come, okay?” His voice is a reminder that I can do this, I can be strong enough because of him.

“I know. Now leave, before I change my mind about going to the hotel first.” I giggle as his hand skims my ass; he’s a tempting distraction to what I know I need to do.

“If I’d known you were this torn about it, I would’ve applied a little more pressure.” He smirks wickedly, letting his hand trail lower under my dress. I laugh and shove him off playfully with my butt, which only serves to cheer him on because he pushes his hand further between my legs and I fight the scalding surge of heat it causes.

For the love of God. Stay focused.

“Go! There’s plenty of time for that later, a lot of that.” I smile as he holds up hands in defeat.

“I’m holding you to that, baby.” He smacks my ass and turns back to the car, winking and waving as he slides in effortlessly. I stand watching him and sigh, a chaos of emotions churning up at the loss of his touch. He waits by the sidewalk until I swallow down the inner dread; when it passes, I turn with a wave and head inside.

Jake won’t wander far, probably a nearby café or something within walking distance so he can get back to

me in a hurry. Knowing he’s close helps, knowing I can call him, and he’ll be right here gives me strength. It gives me the peace that I desperately need. The man is too much for my heart to handle sometimes but I wouldn’t have him any other way.

I swallow down everything building up inside of me and push through the doors into the main foyer of the building; it’s a lot nicer than the last time I stepped in here, and I remember my mother talking about refurbishments to this place the last time I saw her. It’s airy and light but cozy and welcoming. I spot the familiar receptionist, Claire, even after all these years she looks the same, but surprised to see me and beams at my entrance.

“Hello, Emma! Well look at you! God, you look really great. The vision of happiness with that glowing face of yours, and your hair is adorable.” I smile warmly, my composure slipping when faced with people from my past. The urge to lift my chin and force out those cold mannerisms and icy tone is almost overwhelming me, but I don’t. That instant compulsion died a while back, in the glory of Jake’s presence and I won’t slide into an old habit just to deal with my discomfort around this poor woman.

if my mother was here, if I could maybe go surprise her?” I take her in with a genuine smile hiding my inner waves of fear. My palms are already

she’ll be alone too I imagine; holed up with her head in the books.” She pats my

Doubtful.

corner, thanking Claire as I

Wonderful.

a little elderly woman, with a huge sense of sadness for her as she drags carrier bags behind

the old familiar corridor leading to her office. The same pale cream walls and red carpet, no refurbishments up here to keep my memories at bay. Her pine office door is chipped and scraped, but her name is executively etched onto a brass sign screwed to the

breath before I steady myself to bring a sense of calm to my demeanor. I picture Jake’s soft caring face and breathe deeply, seeing him clearly, imagining him here beside me

I can do this.

I turn the handle and walk in, like it’s the most natural thing

shock gape across her mouth as it quickly turns into a warm smile, a little wary but still

pen between both her hands, elbows bent in front of her. We still for a moment, neither being the type to initiate any sort of touching

me to sit down. “Please, have a

to get ‘comfortable’ – if that’s even the definition of what this situation is. I’m glad we’re here and not at the apartment; this is easier, detached, and business-like with a desk separating us and making me feel more capable. This is a place I

a brow with a hint of attitude, and I bristle. She’s clearly still angry about my behavior and my accusations, no doubt irritated that Jake saw that side to her. This is the reaction I’ve been expecting though, no hint of her own wrongdoing just highlighting her disappointment in me and noting my failures according to her.

know her, Emma, this is what’s she’s like,

times; withdrawing any form of affection, like she always did when

turn the finger back on her about my childhood. My mother is a

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