I am getting so frustrated at myself, my inner anger rears up. I’m surrounded by the song that gave me two of the happiest moments of my life, when he gave me his all, and yet here I am lying here, my sub-conscious holding me back from what I deserve. It’s like the beginning of our relationship all over again. I’m back to the defiant, closed-off Emma who never let him in, always holding back when he needed me most.

No! I am not doing this to you, Jake. Not anymore, I won’t!

The song is a reminder that he doesn’t always need to be my strength, but a prompt to show me that sometimes I need to be his too. I need to build my own force to find my way back. I need to hold him up and face whatever reality comes when my body wakes up. Maybe that’s why my mind doesn’t want me to wake up. It’s afraid that what Ray did to me will make me hide in the shadows again, that I won’t be able to love Jake and let him in the ways I did before Ray tried to kill me. But it’s not going to be like that this time. I need to be the one to put the pieces back together in the aftermath of what happened. I need to accept help from others who only want me to feel loved and safe, but I also need to be the one to put Jake back together after this. He’s going to need me to help him get through this, his guilt will eat at him if I don’t.

I bite at a tinkle of defiance growing into something more.

I’m stronger than this.

I push with every ounce of strength and stubbornness within me and aim for the light trying with all my might to break free. I can feel it; every ounce of my being is coming together and fighting with an almost deafening pain. The exhaustion of trying to wake up is almost drowning me back down into the darkness. I know I’ll only need one push to break the barrier holding me here, that once I leave this place I’ll be free and never come back again, the confines of my prison will fall away, and I’ll be free.

I CAN DO THIS.

from the room are blinding even with my eyes closed, from one side the smell of coffee and flowers are rushing up to nose into my brain and I can feel the softness of a bed under me. My body is heavy, and my limbs

the other side. I can hear the hum of

broken-hearted pain is so obvious, I can almost sense his body sagging close to me and I can hear his breathing so very close, the smell of his aftershave and just him, luring me out of

brutally aware of the bright white crisp surroundings and agonizing light over my head, buzzing like an electronic device about to explode. Blinking

the one person I want to see

my hand inside his. That strong forearm exposed, his olive skin and hints of tattoos along his inner arm under the rolled-up sleeve of the shirt I saw him put on the day he left the house. It’s rumpled

My beautiful reason for fighting

and facing the floor. He’s still wearing the same clothes he wore the day he left for the office, minus his tie and jacket, but his hair is a mess and his face is unshaven; his posture is screaming of emotional agony. He looks completely awful and ridiculously delicious; I couldn’t love my little lost boy any more than I do right now. His brave attempt at domineering when

my heart soar and suddenly feel so safe; with him so close I know I’ll

soon as I lay eyes on the face that means the world to me. He looks devastated, his eyes are bloodshot, red-rimmed, and tired. His face is ashen and drained of all life. It hits me in the

up.” A single tear escapes his eye and slides

voice is weak and hoarse and almost non-existent. I’m suddenly so very tired and my emotions start to tumble out of me as a tear escapes and rolls down my face. The pang inside my abdomen hits me as though somehow being conscious reminds me of my baby, we’d been apart in my dream world but now that I am back here I can feel her clinging on … somehow, I know she’s still connected to me even if she’s

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