The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

“Why did you never tell me.” I implore him, trying so hard to not fall to pieces knowing he’s carried this with him these last years, always had me on his body, etched over his heart. It’s so painfully beautiful.

Arrick gets up and comes around to beside me, kneeling on the floor so he can turn my face to his with a hand under my chin, wiping my tears with his fingers.

“It was for me… I didn’t want you to look at it and remember what it stood for.” He has tears in his eyes too. The momentous weight of this little thing isn’t lost on me at all. Hitting me like a freight train that he has always loved me, meaning he had never really been able to love her at all. I couldn’t see it any clearer than I do right now and it’s literally twisting my heart to shreds. Happy shreds, painfully but good. Crying even though it’s not out of sadness.

“You loved me… Even then?” I sniff to try and curb some of the tears, voice a little rough but he only smiles through his own.

“I did. Deep down I have always known, Sophs… I couldn’t face it, I was scared. I had so much to lose by going down this route. You… I had you to lose, and I figured that if I pushed it all down deep and ignored it then I could keep you the way I had you. Safe and straightforward, no chance of fucking it up.” He pulls me from my seat and onto his lap, so I can straddle him and curl myself around him, nose to nose, unable to stop the tidal wave of emotion that’s overcome me.

“Were you scared when you chose to stay with her and made me go?” I lock eyes on his, holding myself together a little more and needing to understand that night. Needing to know so I can let it go. He wounded me when he made that choice and I so badly need to understand the why.

“I was…. I don’t deal well with emotional mess. Drama. I felt like my head was going to explode with all the shit that hit me that night. I did what I do best…. I reversed, locked it all up safe and tried to put everyone back in their pigeonholes so we could go on and not have to face any of it.” Arrick’s instantly remorseful, tightening his arms around me and pulling me in closer as though he wants to squeeze it all away.

“You never thought it was pushing me to leave? Ending us?” I look down between us, heart aching so much with a conversation we should have had properly a while ago. I have never wanted to address these wounds after that first night.

“I thought you needed me in your life, enough to get past it. I didn’t think forward to the after, Sophie, just how to throw a Band-Aid on everything. A quick fix.” He presses his forehead to mine, his breath on my face, but I can’t look at him while talking about something still so raw to me.

“You hurt me…More than I ever let you see. You made me feel like I didn’t mean anything anymore.” My voice breaks, waivers, and I sniff hard to stay in control. He kisses my forehead and new wetness against my skin, knowing he has tears too.

“I know baby. I hate myself for doing that to you, for throwing away everything you do mean to me. I know how it looked, what it must have done. I can’t stop hating myself for that, Sophs. I thought I was doing right by everyone and that I would have time to try and salvage something of us. I thought I loved her, but she was just a safety net, a way to hide from what I really felt……. I was terrified of facing that more than anything. Acknowledging this.” He sounds so broken up, so painfully honest, it fuels more of my tears as I cling to him.

“So, what changed? Why are you not scared now? When did it all become so clear in the time you stayed with her?” I implore him, finally meeting his face and seeing pain mirrored in moisture filled eyes, making me ache so much more. Strangely calming though, and I watch his face, his gentle expression.

anymore, everything was different and I was barely functioning.” He swallows hard, pierces me with such intensity and wipes more stray tears from my face. “I was here, alone, waiting on her to come, so we could go for food…. I was channel surfing to find something to watch to pass the time, so my head wouldn’t be left to stray or think, and that dumb film about Unicorns that you love so much, came on screen. I remember sitting down and breaking to pieces, like something hit me in the gut so hard, missing you so much that I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was having a heart attack; it hurt so much. I wanted to call you… so badly. I tried, and

wanting so much to understand and forgive him. I need so badly

on and trying to convince me we could move on. It should have been the

come and see me.” I lean my forehead back against his, aching and

lose you, wasn’t about to be the idiot I was. I knew I didn’t deserve another chance. That I’d lost you.…. So, I left. Told myself I owed it to you to let you get on with your life and be happy. That I deserved that.” Arrick moves his nose to mine, hands tracing my face as he angles me close as humanly possible. So much translating in a look. My

or see me. You just ceased to exist and left me alone.” I whisper against him brokenly.

saw on display, every song or movie that reminded me of you; even passing a sundae store. I wanted to see you, to talk to you… But I was afraid to reach out and have

you loved her if you didn’t? Why you even first thought she was someone you wanted to

filled a void I guess; met her at a time I needed more than casual hook ups. I needed to feel like I was taking care of someone after I stopped taking care of you, and she was a sweet vulnerable girl who seemed like she needed me. I felt disconnected, and tired of the single life. I missed the companionship of having you close by …. but at the time I

who was my complete opposite on purpose because he felt like he wasn’t

watch him carefully, trying to understand how he could think that’s what he did. Trying to understand what

know that’s why I felt so fucked up. I thought I was just tired of dates and random hook ups. I couldn’t see the connection, Sophie, so I couldn’t understand how emotionally invested I was with you. You saw how I reacted when you told me you loved me, I was so far down the path of denial I couldn’t think straight.” He nudges me with his nose and gently kisses the corner of my mouth, stroking my face once more. His voice

then? That’s what I can’t seem to get my head round, if all of this here shows me that you always loved me, then why did you choose to be with her that night in the club?” The tense ache in

I didn’t love the pain he caused in those years or the chaos he left in his wake, and I never wanted to be that guy. I didn’t want to be my father either, when he chose sex over my mom, threw away her love for something new and exciting, and I felt like it’s what we

that should make me feel better about her. I know all of that should help me sort my head out…. I just ... I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.” I’m frustrated, flailing at

my mouth with his, healing so many little wounds this conversation has opened, making me feel cherished with

him and swallow

this conversation I might start to feel differently about her, knowing how long and how deeply he has always cared about me this way, always loved me. Just that thought alone can make

months ago. The train wreck drunk girl in a club, dressed to attract any guy that cares and not giving a shit about how she behaves, because she’s in