The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

“Merci, Doctor. Rousea. I will take care of her.” Janetta ushers the man out of my bedroom and I stay where I am, laid on the bed, numb and lifeless with no feelings or thoughts in my head. Like an empty shelf of nothingness as time ticks slowly by.

It all happened so fast that it seems like a dream to me now. I don’t even remember how I even got here… I remember only the basics like some long lost almost forgotten memory and then here he was, this man examining me, and she was wiping my tears and holding my hand through the pain. There was so much pain.

I saw it. I knew before he had his hands on me. I knew before Janetta turned to me with a white pallor and pained expression because I saw it all. The little thing he lifted from the bathroom floor, so small it was barely real and scooped into a little plastic tub like it was some god damn fucking leftovers at a buffet. I wanted to fight him for it.

I saw them try to hide it under a dish towel and take it away, like it was a sinful thing and not a piece of me, but it was too late. I saw every single little detail because it was me that left it lying on the bathroom floor all alone, because I was too scared to keep staring at my loss. It was me that felt it let go, left it there when it slid from me amid pain and convulsions, touched it, held it, and broke to pieces in every single way before I somehow found myself in her arms on my own bed.

The bed is blood smeared, but I don’t care. I don’t want to move or feel anything. I just want Arrick. I want him right here, right now, to make this better. To make it all go away. To take the heavy weighted lead from my heart that is crushing me down and help me breathe freely once more.

My little mini Sophie inside of me decided I wasn’t going to be a great mom after all, and I know it’s because I kept telling it that I didn’t want to be.

I didn’t mean it.

I can’t cry anymore; that part of me that runs into hiding when the pain is too much, it’s there numbing it out with every minute that I blankly blink at the ceiling, staring ahead as I realize I need to call Arrick and tell him to come home. Sick at the thought of telling him I ruined everything.

He doesn’t know

He’s in New York

This will crush him.

“You rest, mademoiselle. I will make you soup and some fresh bread, non?” Janetta is fluffing around me, fixing the bed clothes, trying to pull the soaked comforter from under me and I give her minimal help. She manages to side it away, lifting my legs and patting my naked skin and I stare at her in complete zombie state. She somehow managed to get underwear on me and a pad to catch the evidence of my carnage, all while I laid here like some shell who has no sense of time or space.

I miscarried my child, before it even begun… because I blamed it for its daddy going away.

I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to have a baby…

Then why do I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped through my chest and nothing is better at all? Why do I feel so empty?

“I need to call him.” I say quietly, voice low and even I can hear how lifeless and robotic I sound. I’m so detached from reality right now and only the aching left over cramps in my abdomen remind me of what happened. What I’ve lost.

want to know, want to come home to you. I will leave you alone.” She picks up my cell from the bedside and hands it to me, patting me on the

sense of calm and yet somehow, I know that I am not okay. That when this wears off this is going to be a hell of a lot worse and

he’s at work already. I have no clue how long he has been gone or if he’s even still on his flight. I have lost hours of time, maybe days

any sort of reaction to that. I know her voice, the pangs of jealousy she ignites in me

a message.” Amanda sounds bright and perky

he is in a meeting. He will want to know. He won’t care if I disrupt it; he’s Arry, my Arry and this will be

of this morning you didn’t

throat and breathe through the prickly

begged it to stay. I told it if it just held on, I would be the best mom I could be, if she

and I cannot interrupt.” She says a

Go fucking get my Fiancée like I fucking told you to.” I bite at her, not caring if I am abusing his staff and being really rude. I have this growing black hole inside of me and I want to smash her

whore who thinks she can stand

can almost feel the bitchy glare down the phone. I stay silent as she mutes me and know at least she is going to tell him I am calling. I

takes minutes and I am sure she is deliberating taking an age just to piss me off as I stare blankly at our bedroom wall. I hate that he is so far away, but I need to get this over and done with. Saying it aloud, saying the words might make it more real and I might feel something more than this aching gap that is robbing me of all energy

a voice that makes everything feel better. Like coming home to a

had to call.” I sound way too calm, unemotional and sort of strange. Like I’m not

left mid fight. I feel shitty as hell for it.” He’s trying for upbeat, apologetic, and sincere, but I can hear people behind him and Amanda’s nagging voice reminding him he has people waiting. She clearly thinks it’s a lover’s tiff being

would shut the fuck

Arrick. I got up and … it’s just gone.” It comes out, like a meaningless nothing announcement but I don’t know how else to say it. I have no words. It aches deep inside and I have to

to her and then his breathing gets a little louder as he comes back to me, it doesn’t even irritate me. This weird numbness spreading further, and I’m drained and limp. I push my head back into the cushions and stare at

of the words I am about to strike him with. Concern and confusion

I’m sorry, Arry.

my heart and my eyes

into nothing, and for a long moment

Neither do I.

is agony however and I have the urge to fill it with words. I can’t stand silent Arrick; it means he’s in pain and I don’t know how to deal with him

and close my eyes on the memory of the weird little unidentifiable thing among the mess I left smeared across the bathroom