The Impact of You

Avery

I watch Jase walk to the counter at the ultra-busy student commons to pick up our coffee order. He leans against the counter, T-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders. I think he’s probably flirting with the cashier, or she’s flirting with him. Doesn’t matter. I’m still mad at myself for how I acted in class. Just because he has many fine features did not mean I had to catalog each and every one in my damn journal. Once I realized he wrote like one line and gave up on the assignment, I felt like a complete idiot.

While I wait for him to return with our coffee, I slide my notebooks from my bag and arrange them on the table, making sure to keep the journal safely in my bag. I don’t want Jase snatching it and reading about how I think his eyes are the most mesmerizing shade of blue, like a cloudless summer sky, and being near him makes me feel more alive than I have in a while, makes me want things I thought I never would again.

I can’t give my heart away again. Especially considering it hardly still beat inside my chest. Of course, all this is post-Brent. That’s often how I think of my life – the me before all the drama of my senior year, and the me after. After I trusted him. After I let myself be used by him. I know I brought it all on myself, but that doesn’t erase the past. Looking back, I don’t understand how I could have been so stupid. But when you’re in love and desperate for affection, and dealing with the fact you were adopted – it turns out you’ll do just about anything for attention. Things I now wish I could take back. But I never can. Even if there weren’t witnesses, the act is burned into my memory.

Besides, it’s not like Jase is asking for anything from me. Friends, maybe. That I could handle. I think.

I would probably consider dropping the class if Jase weren’t in there to witness my defeat. I don’t want him to know the subject terrifies me. I want to be brave, open, like the rest of the students seem. I thought taking this class would be good for me, but now I’m not so sure. But one thing is certain – I won’t back out now with my tail between my legs. At least part of me wants to see where this will go – especially since it means I’ll be seeing Jase every Tuesday and Thursday, all surrounded by the titillating topic of sex. It’ll be a wonder if I can survive this semester without spontaneously combusting.

Jase slides into the booth across from me, setting a paper cup of coffee in front of me. “Cream and a boatload of sugar, just like you requested.”

“Thanks.” I try a sip. Jase is still watching me, a lopsided grin across his lips. “What?”

He chuckles softly, the deep timbre of his voice raking over me, and folds his hands on the table in front of him. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

other choice than to become

the one laughing. “You want to be my human sexuality

mine. “As tempting as that offer is – and there’s so much I could teach you – no. I meant I

thanks. Why don’t you just admit you think I’m a loser with no life and get on with

didn’t say loser. Lost…probably. Not having as much fun

the Band-Aid off,

settles back against his seat, sliding his cup of coffee toward him in the

on his observation of me. I’m sitting stick-straight in my seat, my stack of textbooks neatly lined up in front of me. And each time Jase has seen me – first at the party, then behind the dumpster – I’ve been hiding. I wish I could tell him those were isolated incidents, that I’m

my elbows, weighing his offer. “So how would this

begin spending more

thankful he doesn’t know my heart just kicked into overdrive at

table, his brilliant blue eyes piercing mine with intensity. “I’ll issue you challenges as I see fit. You’d have to

fold my arms across my chest. “I’m not running through campus naked or dropping acid

to do anything you’re not ready

can’t believe I’m considering this, but I am. “Why would you want to do all

just say I could use

away. I’m beyond confused about what’s happening between us and