The Impact of You

Avery

I’m still smiling like an idiot as I make it to my dorm room. Madison’s sitting on the futon painting her nails when I arrive. She studies my wrinkled clothes and messy sleep-styled hair with a smirk. “Have fun last night?”

“Yes.” I bite my cheek to avoid squeeing. “It was fun. How was your date?”

“Dull.” She shrugs. “Oh, a package came for you.” Madison nods toward the desk where a large envelope awaits.

Wow. It’s here. A flash of warmth invades my chest.

Madison pauses, holding the bottle of polish. “Avery? What is it?”

“Hm?” I pluck the envelope. “It’s probably just nothing.” Lie. This envelope is everything: The cure to my identity crisis, a link to my past, and a possible future with my mom. Tears prick my eyes, and still clutching the envelope, I head off for the communal bathrooms, needing a moment to myself.

I pull open the curtain to the shower on the far end and sit on the cool tiled bench seat.

Then I hesitate. Maybe I shouldn’t be alone when I open it. I dial Jase’s number, but the call goes to voicemail. After waiting several minutes, I send him a text. I balance the phone on the bench seat beside me. Since he usually replies right away, I’m surprised when he doesn’t text me back.

I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this moment, and I’m unable to put it off for even another second. I tear open the envelope and slide out the inch thick stack of papers.

I know Jase said he didn’t have any plans today, so I’m wondering where he could be. That question settles like an uneasy pit in my stomach, but I push it to the back of my mind as I begin reading the opening letter, addressed to me, on the adoption agency letterhead. It acknowledges the difficult journey this process may prove to be and lists resources to help deal with birthparent searches. Awesome. Even they don’t have faith in their process.

The following pages contain boring forms and information that my dads had to complete nineteen years ago. It’s funny to see that their handwriting hasn’t changed a bit in all that time. Seeing the sheer volume of forms and information they supplied overwhelms me. They must’ve really wanted me bad. That thought makes me smile, though it’s quickly followed by a pang of guilt about doing this behind their backs.

I continue leafing through the pages, knowing the good stuff is probably at the back of the pile.

Bingo.

photograph of a woman that looks shockingly familiar is clipped to the back page. The same wavy auburn hair and wide-set eyes that greet me in the mirror each morning are staring back at me. I pull in a

generic email account are supplied on the

Huh.

Jessica.

mom’s name is

captivating, though, and I find myself staring at it, brushing it lovingly with my thumb. Tears sting my eyes, and

* * *

texted several times, and still nothing. I’m more worried than anything else, and since he didn’t show up for class today either, I head straight to

it locked. The house is empty and quiet, and although my heart is pounding at what I might find, I climb the stairs to the attic. There could be a million reasons for him not calling me back…he could have the flu, maybe something happened with his mom…or the worst – is he back with Stacia? Yet, even as I try to justify his silence, I know it can only mean one thing. I saw Marcy and Stacia talking the other night. I’m sure they saw me too. I guess

as he crosses the room. A

“Jase?”

I see reflected back at me is too much. This is why I don’t get close to people.

come in? Explain at least?” I

me out just yet, either. I step through the door and pull in a steadying breath. I’ve never wanted to explain this before. When confronted with my

cold and any and all warmth between us is absent too. Jase turns to face me.

did know. Brent thought it would be fun, sexy. And I would have done just about anything to hear him say he loved me. It turns out when you have abandonment issues, you’ll do just about anything to feel loved. I needed to feel loved, to be close to someone, and I loved it when Brent held me or touched me. Whether or not it had anything to do with my adoption, I didn’t know, but I craved that affection. During those moments of feeling wanted and

head, not wanting to see his eyes when I tell him this next part. “Yeah, I knew.” I didn’t say yes to the idea right away – he wore me down over a couple of weeks. And of course what followed wasn’t heartfelt; it wasn’t filled with love at all. It was an experience that left me

severe, so all encompassing, I stagger a step back, struggling to remain on my feet. It’s the look I hoped I never

of myself and texted to him while we were dating. “I didn’t know

Avery!” He throws his hands up in the air. “These are things

to him and inspect his hand. I figured it was only a matter of time before Jase found out, but I never imagined he’d actually see it. Of course, Marcy probably pulled it up on

think I

know?” Jase’s voice is low and controlled,