The Impact of You

Avery

“Enough moping,” Madison says, snatching the dirty romance novel from my hands. “Come on, you’re coming out with me and Noah.”

“But I was at the part where he spanks her for the first time…” Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. I also can’t believe I’m reading the book that Madison shoved into my hands after finishing it in one day. But she’s right, it is addicting.

“Told ya you’d love the smut. But you can read it later. We’re going bowling.”

I don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made, so I get dressed, add makeup and let Madison straighten my long, crazy hair. The girl in the mirror looks different, but she’s still me. Maybe even a better version of me. No longer terrified of being discovered, because the worst of that has happened – a guy I was falling for found out in the most spectacular fashion and hasn’t spoken to me since – and it can’t get much worse than that. So I’m done hiding in the dorms while my friends go out on the weekends. Maybe if I pretend I’m normal and not destroyed by Jase’ rejection, things will fall into place. Fake it till you make it. Right?

With the truth out in the world, I should feel freer. But the effect is more like a great burden. It’s no longer necessary to hide. I feel worse than ever. I should’ve had the guts to tell Jase. He was a big part of my healing, and he opened himself up a lot along the way, too. By keeping it from him, I cheapened the entire experience. If he is done with me, I at least want to keep our memories, but now they are soured with my own guilt and self-loathing.

When we reach the bowling alley, all promises of a low key evening go up in smoke. Delta Sig has rented out half the place for a private party. You have got to be kidding me. I pause at the entrance and Madison looks past me to the group of obnoxiously drunk guys taking up half the bowling alley.

“Did you know?” I turn to her.

“No. I swear. We can go somewhere different if you want.”

my hand and gives it a squeeze. “You’re not running away this time, love. You got this.”

“Yeah. Okay.” I think I can do

from the Delta Sig guys. I don’t see Jase. It’s possible he’s not here. But either way, I know I won’t be able to relax with the promise of his presence looming

thought I was healing, but his presence assures me that was not the case. Far from it. I miss his hugs that

him. The pain of watching them together stabs at my chest. Maybe I’d overestimated everything we’d shared. Perhaps he and Stacia have always been more than just friendly exes and I refused to see it. Just as Stacia pointed out to me once before, he and I were never exclusive. That doesn’t mean the ache of losing him hurts any less.

something in Stacia’s ear and she bursts out laughing, swatting

turn to Madison and Noah. “I was wrong. I need to go.”

exchange a glance and nod in silent understanding.

a point of

to make me laugh. I link my arm with Madison’s and tuck my chin to

* * *

am done with lying. So when I call my dads requesting they drive my car up to campus, I could tell them I’d changed my mind about wanting my car with me, or that I got a part time job off campus, like I’d talked about doing. But instead, I make them both get on speaker phone and I tell them the truth. I’ve been in contact with my birthmom through email and am planning to go and meet her in Denver

you came from. Humans are wired to want to understand their identity and lineage. They don’t like the idea of me going alone, so it takes some convincing, but eventually they come around. I’m not quite sure they are completely onboard with the idea, because they worry about me being disappointed, or hurt, and

and Noah, take me out to lunch and spend the