Accidental Surrogate

Ella

As I start to doze, I force my brain to think of nothing but Sinclair, willing myself to dream of him. I don’t let my mind focus on anything else or get distracted, I just keep telling myself to call Sinclair, to make him come to me.

Darkness closes in, and then I’m back on that bed in the forest. Yes! I think, this is where we were last time! It worked!

It takes a few minutes for Sinclair to appear, but I tell myself to just be patient. He wasn’t asleep yet in the real world. I have to wait for him to rest to see him this way.

I’m not sure how much time actually passes, but eventually he comes stalking through the trees. He’s in his wolf form this time, but he shifts when he reaches the bed, giving me a tender smile. “Hello trouble.”

“Hi.” I answer, feeling suddenly shy. “I wasn’t sure this would work.”

“You mean you meant to call me this time?” He inquires, arching a brow.

I nod, feeling a hot flush work up my cheeks. “I want to tell you something.”

“Okay.” Sinclair replies, coming to sit on the plush duvet, but not reaching for me the way he usually does. A moment of doubt plagues my heart, but I’m sure he’s just trying to use restraint.

I’m fidgeting, and staring at my hands in my lap, but I slowly work up the courage to speak. “I know I’ve been all over the place lately, and I wish I could tell you that it was all the pregnancy, or all the stress of our situation… but the truth is that it’s a lot more than that. Those things are making all this more difficult, but I would have been a mess anyway.”

Taking a deep breath, I continue, “You know I was orphaned, and that I never really got a childhood as a result. But I also never experienced love from anyone but Cora. I was so starved for it, that I basically jumped at the first chance I had. I spent years just trying to get over my fear of men, and in hindsight, I’m not sure I ever really did. I think maybe I just got so desperate for some affection that I simply closed my eyes and lept, and of course the person who caught me was Mike. I was a perfect mark for him – young, naive, and willing to do anything to finally feel wanted. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was, and he groomed me to believe that everything he did and said to me was normal.”

Sinclair is frowning deeply, and I can see questions weighing on his tongue, but he holds them back. “Of course, I eventually wised up… and then I met you.” I share, my voice suddenly very small. “And my heart trusted you even though my brain screamed at me not to. Everything I’ve experienced in my life conditioned me to believe that if I let myself be vulnerable with you – you would break me. It taught me to believe I wasn’t worth love, so anyone showing me kindness must be out to trick me. So I tried to convince myself that what I’ve been feeling with you wasn’t real. And at the same time, all those parts of me that I kept buried for so long burst out because my body somehow knew you wouldn’t hurt me if I acted like a child, or broke down and let you see my sadness and anger. It knew you wouldn’t use those things as weapons against me.”

like no one ever has – even when I hate you for it. But I still couldn’t tell you.” There are tears in my eyes now, and I can see Sinclair’s closed fists trembling with barely held restraint. His wolf is still glowing in his eyes, and I know how hard he’s trying to let me simply speak my fill without interruption. “I’ve been a coward. I’ve been hiding behind the challenges facing us, using them as excuses to avoid ever having to be brave… Even when you’ve tried to tell me your own feelings, my brain just defaulted to defending myself. I knew if you told

And I know nothing has changed and that a relationship is still impossible for us… but I don’t want to be a coward anymore. I want to be brave just once in my life.” I take a deep breath as I continue, “So I thought that if I could tell you here… that if we could be together in our dreams, then maybe it wouldn’t

I whisper, too timid to look him

heart and my blood rushing in my ears. Then Sinclair’s hand is reaching towards me. He catches my chin between his thumb and forefinger, pulling my gaze up to his. I

so much affection and understanding on his rugged features, that I feel like he’s wrapped me in a hug without even touching me. “I love you, Ella. I think I’ve been in love with you from the moment

because even though I was expecting him to tell me he had feelings, I wasn’t prepared for love. I certainly wasn’t prepared to hear that his wolf

“and if you don’t get over here and into my arms this instant,

thought. I remember all Sinclair’s warnings not to run from him at the Wild Hunt, and I remember how thrilling it had been to be chased…

at me with suspicion as I lean towards him on the bed. Luckily, while he might sense I’m up to something, he doesn’t realize what. At first I worry he might reach for me before I can jump onto the ground, but when I change direction at the last moment, he’s not quite fast enough to catch me. I immediately break into a sprint, and at first I hear the low rumble of Sinclair’s laughter. A moment later, however, I

fast as I can make them move, and I’m amazed at how much ground I

on my feet. I stop and shudder

don’t know where these instincts came from, and while I might not be able to explain them, there’s no denying how right this feels. Why have I never run barefoot through the woods before? Why have I never bathed in the light of the moon? Every second I spend in this wonderful wilderness makes me feel as though I’ve been living in the wrong skin my entire life – like a piece of my soul has been returned

again, there are four, and I seem much lower to the ground. I look down in shock, amazed to discover fur covered paws where my hands used to be. I glance behind me to discover a bushy, white tipped tail

I’m a wolf.

much faster on four legs, and if I still had the ability to laugh aloud I’m sure I’d be overflowing with euphoric giggles. Instead I howl gleefully into the chill air, leaping over the fallen branches and rocks dotting the forest floor. I’m free, I’m free!!! The voice in my head cries, loping gracefully through

I suppose my own howl tipped him off. It wasn’t meant to –

onto us. I

don’t know why it’s so important that I don’t let Sinclair catch me, but right now the only thought in my head is to get away. I have to make it as difficult for him as possible… for some reason. That’s no problem, my inner voice brags, now that I’m free he’ll have his

the back of my mind it occurs to me to cover my tracks, but I realize Sinclair will be following my scent anyway. It’s hard for me to focus on him – as distracting as he usually is – my heart is soaring and for once it has nothing to do