Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

talking, learning to read, to ride a bike. Teaching my child

climb trees.

arms when they’re si ck or scared.

them each night before they fall asleep.

thoughts come to me and melt away.

my phone. I scroll to Aaron’s

call

the truth. To share this

he’d be

shouldn’t

cements Aaron’s claim to this pack through my baby. I touch my

stomach.

my heart I feel like I can’t contain it.

me: We need to abort. You can

You can try again for

life over my

probably the right choice,

doesn’t feel right.

baby deserves a

my phone to another name.

from my mind, no matter how much I need him

it. I hit send.

call is answered on the second ring.

That voice.

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