Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

beautiful milestone of a child’s life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride

climb trees.

when they’re si ck

them I love them each night before

thoughts come to

grab my phone. I scroll to

call

have the truth. To share this joy-however brief it may be for me.

he’d be happy.

probably shouldn’t assume.

would be pleased. It cements Aaron’s claim to this pack through my baby.

stomach.

love swirls in my heart I feel like

We need to abort. You can undergo

the ca ncer. You can try

values my life over

probably the right choice, objectively.

doesn’t feel right.

baby deserves a

through my phone to another name. The one

never far from my mind, no matter

I hit

the second

That voice.

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