Chapter 86

Somedays… I question getting out of bed.

I’d add today to that list because… dying.

And I really don’t want to d ie. But how cr uel is this world

that the one thing I wanted… The one thing I hoped could be

granted to me finally is.

Only when I’m too si ck to see the dream become a reality.

I think of the little boy or girl who I’ll probably never get to hold. The eyes like mine or dark like Aaron’s. If they’d have his strength and my compassion. If they’d like chocolate or vanilla

ice cream.

I close my eyes and imagine their laughter. Their first steps.

Seeing them grow up and marry and start their own families.

The hugs and cuddles I’ll never feel. The baby I’ll never get to feed or rock to sleep.

life. Walking, talking, learning to read, to ride

climb trees.

in my arms when they’re si

them I love them each night

come to

phone. I scroll

to call him.

part of me wants him to have the truth. To

least…I think he’d be happy.

shouldn’t assume.

It cements Aaron’s

stomach.

in my heart I feel like I can’t contain

me: We need to abort. You

to combat the ca ncer. You can try again for a baby,

my life

it’s probably the right

doesn’t feel

deserves

phone to another name. The one person

my mind, no matter how much I need him

I

the second ring. “Hey Leah.”

That voice.

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