Ex-Husband's Regret

Chapter 37

Having a breakdown
The warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up in my room, but then the heavy hand around my waist brings the memories of what happened back.

I start to internally panic so much so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as I can, I

get up and leave the bed.

He turns and murmurs something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. I heave a sigh of relief even as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the dresser.

Tip toing to the door, I wince a little when I open it and it creeks. I look back, my heart in my

mouth. I’m immediately thankful when I see Ethan still in bed.

The sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well defined abs and an arm was thrown

over his face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the room.

I walk down my stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own

house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took his job at remedying my

pain seriously.

The moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my room

rushes through me like an Avalanche.

“Call down, people have sex all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming down it only

increases the pace of my wildly beating heart.

I start pacing the tiled floors. Still unable to believe that I had sex with another man. I always

thought that the only man who would ever touch me or see me naked is Rowan. Here we are

though, not only did I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him into my bed.

Tired of pacing, I sit on the kitchen stool. My feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am I

supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after these type of

things happened is.

Am I supposed to make him breakfast? Would he even want breakfast? Is it something that will

happen again or is it a one nightstand?

I place a hand on my beating heart. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I’ve never done

something like this before. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Rowan, I always believed that I would

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currently not strong.

“You don’t have to love someone to have sex with them…you just have to be attracted to them” A

voice whispers.

I want to argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me. I unlock it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I read the simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is until I lift my eyes and see it’s from Rowan. I’m shocked and then angry. 4

He has no right at all to send me that stupid message. Not when he has never wished me a happy birthday during our marriage and especially not after the disgusting things he said to me.

I stand up and go back to pacing. I mean why now? Why now when we are divorced? Why today of

all day? A few hours after I have slept with another man.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare two men sexually, but Ethan thoroughly fucked me. Simple and clear. There was passion and heat, something that lacked with Rowan Ethan took me in positions I didn’t even know were possible. I loved that but I also hated it because it proved how stale my

sex life with Rowan was.

The only time Rowan ever took me like that was the first time we had sex and it was only because he thought he was sleeping with Emma, the love of his fucking life.

I always wanted it to be like that between us. Always thought that something was missing. It wasn’t bad, but I just wanted more.

Now after my night with Ethan I realize what has been missing between Rowan and I was the passion. I also realize that it had been missing because I wasn’t who he had wanted

that Rowan was holding back even when we

to distract myself from the turmoil of

more text wishing me a happy birthday. They

make a mental note

now? What did they wish

the same voice

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Such a simple

give it to me? How can I forgive them when they broke me? How am I supposed to let it all go when they didn’t let me live in

only one who got blamed was

am the only one that got the emotional and verbal abuses. I took all of it.

it, the more I got angry. I can feel the angry tears trying to fall and this

so tired. So fucking tired of being the bigger person. I lost just as much

guilt broke. No one wanted to see how I was breaking or how I struggled. It was

come I had to break just to keep us working? How come I had to break for them to feel good about themselves? They broke me and yet no one wants to acknowledge that. No one

pain I’ve been pushing down I can’t contain it anymore. It all comes

to my own ears. It reverberates off the walls, echoing my torment. I lash out, my

Mirroring the chaos within my soul. My fragile heart was breaking all over again. The pain swallowing

that had been buried deep continues to surface up. Clawing

hate Rowan

I turn at his

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at me

barstools.

on my knees in surrender,

glass. What’s physical pain

hate him. I gave him my all. He took and took and I continued to let him. He left me with nothing Ethan. I’m empty, so dark and

carrying are getting heavy”

wasn’t supposed to stand? That I was living in a waste

me. “Let it all go, let the pain go, Ava. It’s the only way” he says and I

flesh as I cry my heart

a word. He doesn’t

the remnants of my past, my unhealed scars, lay scattered on the

apart as I breakdown and all the pain I have endured finally

up bridal style and leads me up the stairs. My eyes were beginning to close as I

me

for those mistakes. It was time to leave the past where it

was done hiding. It was time to come out of the shadows and live my

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a breakdownThe warm light on my faces wakes me up. At first I’m confused as to how I ended up

waist brings the memories of what happened

so that I’m afraid I’ll wake Ethan up. I didn’t want him up now. Not when I was having a nervous breakdown. Not while my head was a mess. As slowly as

and leave

he doesn’t wake up. I

as I put some clothes on and pick up my phone from the

I open

thankful when I see Ethan still in

sheets were down to his waist, exposing his very well

face. Swallowing loudly, I leave the

stairs feeling like I was doing the walk of shame even though I was in my own. house. The soreness between my legs, a testament of how Ethan took

pain seriously.

moment I get the kitchen I let loose. All the panic and anxiety I tried stifling in my

through me like an

down, people have sex all the time” I try telling myself but instead of calming

the pace of my

believe that I had sex with another man. I always thought that the only man

I let Ethan kiss me, but I also allowed him

feet tapping nervously on the floor. What am 1 supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? I didn’t know what the protocol after

he even want breakfast? Is it something that will happen again or is

chest was going to explode. I’ve never done something like

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currently not strong.

love someone to have sex with them…you just have

voice whispers.

argue with it but my phone vibrating stops me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

simple message, wondering who could have sent it. That is

from Rowan. I’m

at all to send me that stupid

not after the disgusting things he said to

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