Ex-Husband's Regret

She deserves better.
Rowan.

My eyes snap open. Rays of light hitting me square in the face. I groan in pain. My head was

pounding as if there was someone using it as a fucking drum.

It takes a while to register that I am in my room, in Gabe’s house. It’s something we both did. He

has a room at my house, and I have one in his.

Groaning, I stand up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and step under it. Using my

hands for support, I lean against the wall and try to put my jumbled thoughts in order. I don’t

remember much of last night except drinking.

Fuck! How the hell did I get here? How is it possible that I fell in love with Ava and didn’t realize it

sooner?

The moment the realization hit me, I went straight to the club. I rarely get drunk. I promised

myself not to ever get butt drunk after Noah was born. Normally, I just take a class or two, and

that’s enough. Yesterday, though, I needed it. I needed it badly.

There is no remedy for what I was feeling. No fucking cure. How do you even begin to deal with

the realization that you love the woman that you hated? The same woman you spent nine fucking

years hurting?

I sigh and get out of the bathroom. Feeling like I have aged at least thirty years. I haven’t been this

out of sorts in years.

After getting dressed, I head downstairs. I find Gabe having breakfast.

“Where is June?” I ask, referring to his housekeeper.

“She’s made us breakfast and left. She said that she wanted an early start to the market so she

could get fresh veggies.”

June had a thing against buying from grocery stores. For some reason, she believed that they

weren’t as fresh or organic as they wanted us to believe. She buys all vegetables, fruits, meat,

eggs, and milk from the local market, which is owned by a bunch of farmers.

“How are you feeling?” Gabe asks as I pour myself some coffee.

“Like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

+16 BONUS

When I realized that I loved Ava, part of me wanted to rush back to her house and tell her immediately. I would have if my rational side hadn’t won. It was too soon to tell her. She wouldn’t

have believed me at all.

never been scared, but with this new awareness,

but also knowing

begins, “I thought you swore never to get

I needed it. I needed to numb the pain. You can’t understand how difficult it was to realize

my chance with her all because I couldn’t let go of

she frowns at me in disapproval. Or when, at times, she looks at me with

crave her. I follow her around like a damn lost puppy, begging for any scraps of affection she’ll give me. Even if it’s

the only way

at my hands. What she is dishing out is nothing compared to what I did to her. Yet it still fucking

nine fucking years?

me. Wants me to be completely out of

because she deserves better, but I can’t let her go no matter how I fucking

that happen? The last time I

asks me, looking puzzled.

sure you were in love

weren’t you the one that insisted that I had suppressed feelings

he was about that. He wouldn’t let it go, even

I guess he just knows me better than I know myself.

I didn’t want to

Ava, but your insistence at times made me

was wrong.”

sigh. “You were fucking right. My only wish is that I had relegalized this sooner.

been easier to mend what I

+15 BONUS

bitter memories. Memories where I had her,

My actions and words chipped at

until there was

shoes” Gabe

it happened. When did you

the exact time. Maybe it happened when we

it’s a recent thing. All I know

was frustrated and fucking

you love someone!

always there. Probably came after Noah was born. I also think you

to love her because you held on to the memory of

true love. You can’t live with someone for nine years and not feel

have touched her if you

what I needed from her while still hating her. I am

was Emma.” I tell him, feeling sick to the core

treated her. 1

1

imagine you were fucking Emma because you missed her or because you

Something that

felt that enjoying sex with her would be a

you held on to for

sit on the stool

I

it like that. I admit

to her; otherwise, how would I explain how the hell

used Emma as

love of my life once; how

and enjoying Ava’s body? It all made sense in my head then, but