Ex-Husband's Regret

Emma.

"Are you sure about this?" Molly asked, her worried eyes scanning my face. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?"

Was I sure? Heck no. I don't know what will happen. I don't know how he'll react, but I have to do something, right? "Yes" I nod, straightening my back in determination.

I know I messed up big time. I know that what's happening to me is my fault. It's karma catching up with me, but I can't let it stop me. I can't sit around mopping wishing things were different.

I put on the pretty sundress I'd chosen. It was white and had some blue flowers on it. I wanted to look presentable, down to earth and warm. I wanted to look inviting. Someone you feel at ease by just looking at them. Sundresses always give that illusion.

"You do realize he might slam the door shut on you face at first look?" Molly adds, bouncing on my bed like a little kid.

I've thought about nothing since I decided to matters in my own. I've thought of nothing else, but how to change things between Gunner and I. I know it'll be hard. I've neglected him so many times over the years that his love for me probably died.

It fucking hurts my heart knowing that he views Ava more as a mother than me. Mom has told me countless of times how much he spends time at Rowan and Ava's home. It fucking hearts but I don't have anyone to blame.

Each day I wake up with guilt that consumes both my heart and soul. Each day brings a fresh onslaught of pain that I can't escape from. It guts me each time when I open my eyes and realize the shit and pain, I've caused.

My hearts constricts and I feel myself drowning in the darkness that's been consuming. More than anything, I want to know my baby, but I also want a respite from the constant heartache.

"Emma? Are you even listening?" Molly's voice pulls me from the edge of the abyss.

and maneuver myself to my dressing table to do my

its meaning. I'm so fucking lost that some days I think it would be easier if I just ended it

I also loved social gatherings. Whether it was galas, charity dinners or just a simple laid back event. I loved them. Now, though, I don't even want to wake up most of

in the mirror. Agony, guilt and regret stare back at me. This feeling of being out of control, lost, was like a cancer that was slowly destroying me from the inside out. Trying to bury those thoughts, I run my brush through my hair before picking up my concealer. I've always had clear skin, so I didn't need much make-up. Just a concealer to hide my dark under eyes. Sighing, Molly stands up and walks over to me before placing a hand on my shoulder. "Have you thought

what good will that do?" I

your light dims just a little bit. You have a lot to unpack. A lot of guilt, self-hatred and bitterness towards yourself. You need to talk to someone who can

let alone a stranger. Where would I

and place my concealer down

my lip balm and apply a thin layer on my chapped and dry lips.

begin. Let me book you a few sessions. If, at the end, you still don't feel the need or any change, then you can stop going," she tells me gently, in a warm voice. "You have to realize that until you can forgive yourself, you can't move past this, and

nod then stand up. Giving her the best smile I could muster, I twirl around. "How

the smile.

I don't look like a zombie,

knew that Calvin and Gunner were home. They rarely

named it 'a boy's

involving me by telling me the little things he and Calvin did, but I always rebuffed him.

spot it, I cross the room

"Good luck"

have been my