Falling For The Man I Married

I found him still sitting in the living room. I thought I would no longer see him there. He was in a daze... sitting while looking blankly at the coffee table. And he didn't even notice that I was heading for the door.

I sighed as I was about to open the door but he hadn't even moved a bit. 

Shaking my head, I went back to him. "Gabriel," I said patting him on the shoulder. 

He looked up a little surprised when he realized I was standing in front of him. 

"Love.."

I held my breath after hearing that word. "I have to go."

He stood up quickly and looked at me. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"Yeah, don't worry about me. I'm old enough to be careless." He looked at me directly in the eye.

"We are fine, are we?"

I chuckled at him. 

-'Fucking shit! I'm hurting! I am in pain! Do you think I'm fine?'-

"Of course! What made you think we're not okay?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. Just take care." he pulled me into a tight hug, but I didn't hug him back. I just patted his shoulder and immediately pulled back. His scent and that sweet gesture make me want to cry and run away from him. 

"Call me if you need someone to drive you home."

I nodded. "I have to go," I said and walked towards the door, not bothering to look back at him. I opened the door with a loud sigh.

But the moment I took the first step out, tears started to flow down my cheeks. I covered my mouth to prevent the sobs that wanted to escape my throat and ran towards the garage. 

The guards opened the driveway when they noticed my car, and when I was already outside the gate, I screamed. I screamed until my throat hurts. I wanted to ignore the pain and tried to pretend that feeling didn't exist, but I couldn't. Because the more I tried to be okay, the more I felt I was about to break down. 

Tears were blurring my visions, but I kept driving. Sobs after sobs were escaping my throat. It hurts... It really hurts... I don't know how to stop it. I don't even know how to control it. 

-'I thought we were fine! I thought he had already stopped chasing her, but fucking shit! I was wrong!'-

I turned on the radio to distract myself and focused on my driving, but even the DJ wanted to hurt me more... 

***Looking back I could have played it differently.. learned about the man before I fell... but it took time to understand the man, now at least I know, I know him well... 

Wasn't it good..  wasn't it fine.. isn't it madness, he can't be mine. But in the end, he needs a little bit more than me, he needs his fantasies and freedom... I know him so well... 

No one in your life is with you constantly, no one is completely on your side... And though I'd move my world to be with him, still the gap between us is too wide..***

I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. 

you! I already know that! Why do you have to shout

radio. But she's right! I would move my world to be with him, but still, the gap between us is too wide!

song, I changed the station, and my tears broke out more

I cry.. every night, you keep stayin' on my mind... All my friends say I'll survive,

gonna heal this broken heart... no I don't see how it can if it's broken all apart... A

don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart... No, I don't see how it can while we are

sure I am broken? Am I really broken?" I laughed at myself

I have to be in

I shook my head and dropped it onto the steering wheel. I need to compose myself because I know Noelle would definitely

took a deep breath and tried to calm my heavy

it! You

back office as I didn't want to confuse my employees. I know they would ask me when they all see me with red eyes and

door, I saw Noelle talking to our head waiter, Tony. They both stood up and Tony greeted me. I just nodded and smiled at him when he excused himself

with Noelle that has a deep frown

she asked, concerns

"Yup,"

mini-kitchen. I took the pitcher of cold water from the fridge because I believe that was all

you weren't crying when

I

"I didn't."

give me a fucking excuse for sniffing

my old excuse back in college. I tried to go back to the office and walked past her but I felt her hand in my arm.

there anything

head and gave her a half-hearted

"Madielyn..."

"I'm okay, Noelle-----"

snapped at me. "Come here!" she pulled me back to the

me. "Now, let's talk about it. Let's

you, I'm

she snapped at me again. I looked at her and her eyes

and looked at my hands. "Well.. she's

She frowned. "Who's pregnant?"

"Stacey."

as in...

I nodded. 

so? What if she's pregnant--" she paused as her eyes widened. "---don't tell me

nodded again smiling

she asked and then

Why wouldn't I be okay?" I laughed at her.

"Madi.."

Noelle! See--- I'm laughing! If I'm not okay, I wouldn't be able to laugh right

later, I just found myself laughing... laughing uncontrollably.. laughing at the pain that slowly eating me inside. I laughed so hard until stupid tears started flowing down my cheeks... until I can't stop it anymore. I laughed... then after a moment...