Love Aint Always Pretty

Nazlanmak

- pretending reluctance or indifference when you are actually willing or eager; saying no and meaning yes

Origin: Turkish

45

"What are you doing here?" I closed the door behind me.

He stands from my bed.

"And how'd you get in?" I arched an eyebrow.

"I always have a spare key in this room."

I looked away from him cos the more I look at him, I always remember what he said to Alec. It's getting harder for me and him being here is making me so confused.

"Why are you here Nick?" I demanded but I'm still not looking at him.

"You heard everything?" He asks.

"A while ago?" he added.

I couldn't answer him. My tears are filling up my eyes again. I blink rapidly so I could stop my tears from falling. These are always gonna be tears of hurt caused by Nick. Tears of shame cos of my shameful decisions that I made. I feel shitty about myself cos Nick made me feel shitty.

Nick starts walking towards me and reaches for my hand. I'm still not looking at him. His huge soft hand was holding me, gently squeezing mine. Don't cry Savannah. Don't even try to let that fucking tear fall.

"Savannah." He calls out, almost a whisper.

He exhales deep. "I'm sorry."

"For what this time?" I asked.

I'm pretending not to know what he's actually sorry for even though I know what he's talking about.

"For everything that you've heard a while ago. You don't deserve to hear it." He says.

"You're saying sorry cos you were just being honest to your best friend? What's your sorry for?" I faked a chuckle even though it's killing me.

He holds my right cheek, moving my head to look at him in the eyes. "When Alec asked me if I was planning on loving you. I just couldn't lie."

God why does he want to hurt me this much?

"At least lie to me when you tell me you love me. Lie to me Nick." I broke down and cried harder.

He catches me quickly and hugs me right away. I'm sobbing. I'm crying like a baby. I'm crying against his chest and he's holding the back of my head while his other hand was rubbing the bottom of my spine. He's comforting me but the more he comfort me, the more I feel worst. I've never felt this broken and hurt before.

"I just don't know how to deal with this thing between us. It's getting more and more worst." He says.

I'm crying even more. Shit Savannah I told you not to cry.

"I don't want to hurt you but what I said to Alec was the truth. Im sorry." He adds.

This felt like I was giving him the knife so he could stab me and I'm a fool cos I'm letting him stab me. I'm letting him kill me. I'm letting him hurt me more and more. Deeper and deeper.

"I will never love anyone again." He says.

I exhale heavily.

"Only Catherine." I added.

He nods.

Oh god he's nodding. I don't want him to answer that cos it's only choking me. He doesn't have to answer that. He's holding me even tighter and tighter but all I want is to let go from his tight grip.

"I'm being unfair to you. I'm messing up with your head and your heart. I always hurt you. Always, I know. I'm sorry. I just really like being with you. But every time I'm with you, I'm scared that you're seeing it on a different point of view from mine." He says.

I'm not answering him cos I'm just crying on his chest. I'm not answering him cos I don't know what to say since everything he's telling me is all true. He is being unfair. He is messing up with my head and my heart. He is always hurting me. But I let him do all those things. We always end up like this and it's always me who's getting hurt. Always me who's crying. Always me who's chasing him. Always me. It will always will be me.

"I want you Savannah but I don't want love from you." He added.

Stop Nick. Please. It's already too much.

He exhales. "You know that. I already told you that. I always tell you that."

me like I'm some toy. I'm letting him have the chance to hurt me cos he can. I'm letting him use

pull myself away from him. "Tell me a

He looks at me.

be okay. It'll make my night a little at

He didn't answer.

me a lie Nick." I said

he looks

love you." he sounded as if he didn't mean it. As if he's forced to say

me one. His eyes,

I laugh weakly.

I'm so pathetic."

didn't say anything

"I think I have my own

"What is it?"

into his eyes and he's looking back at me seriously. Why can't we be more than this Nick? Why can't we be

keep

eyes bore into me even longer now. He's not even looking away. There goes that look he gives me again that makes me have a doubt. He's acting as if he wants

or say anything to me that sets my hopes up. As long as we both see this

nods slowly. "Okay. I won't give you

don't want to even though it's for the best. It sounded like we needed to just casually fuck and leave once we get what we want from each other. I just hope it's gonna be easy for me. It's

get harder for either

His brows creasing.

"For good." I added.

can't believe I'm actually the one saying

not worried about getting it harder for me cos it's

not gonna. Wow Nick, you sure do know how to hurt me and you don't

about you."

but I don't care anymore how long it will last or how bad this will affect me in the end as long as I have Nick and this whatever we have thing that

before Tracy comes here and sees

"Can I at least

laugh softly.

and kissed me. He's kissing me like he's saying goodbye. It's a goodbye to whatever sweet things we did before cos

have one last rule."

I nod.

still need to think about it." I tell

•••••

break his rules and he won't break mine. I tried to stop myself from falling and putting meaning to everything he does to me. I try to think he's not into me. I try not to look into his eyes cos his

that I'm beautiful and he

He changed.

doing exactly what we agreed of doing from the very beginning of all this and

and lots

Bedroom sex.

Car sex.

Floor sex.

Shower sex.

Table sex.

Bathroom sex.

And lots of quickies.

and place for sex, we do it. No matter how thrilling or quick it's gonna be. We fuck till

try to act like him, like it's not affecting me. I try to think that I don't want more of what he can only give me. I try to convince

if I couldn't handle it. I don't think

on his bed with nothing on us but his blanket that we bought at Target weeks ago. We were both staring at the ceiling while he plays with my fingers with his hand. I let him play with it while my mind was busy thinking

"Savannah?"

my head

already too much. He's just looking at me while I was staring at his shoulder. I

the same right? We're still

then looks back at

It's not

plays with my fingers. He pulls it closer

just simpler." I

it simpler."

I don't like it.

I hate it.

take back my own

I can't do

said and