Michael

It’s dark, a frigid winter’s evening. James hasn’t come home from work yet and I can’t find Charlotte.

Where is she?

Having a bath maybe?

But the bathroom stands cold and empty.

Reading somewhere?

I try her study, the lounge and the dining room, still with no sign of her.

And then as I stop to flick the curtains closed in the lounge, there she is. Outside on the terrace, without so much as a jacket or a cushion, she hugs her knees as she sits on bare stone paving, staring into the dark.

She must be bloody freezing…

What’s this about?

Don’t rush it…

I make a couple of hot drinks, then venture outside.

She turns as I approach. I offer her a mug. “Hi. Mind if I join you?”

“Course not.” She sniffs. “That’s lovely. Thank you.”

“Hot nutmeg milk and dash of brandy. I thought if you were determined to freeze your butt, you’d better have something inside to help thaw it out.”

She nods then turns to stare into the dark again.

After a minute or so, I say, “Come on, spit it out. Whatever it is.”

“I was thinking about my mother.”

“What about her?”

“I might never find her.”

“Perhaps not, but we'll keep looking.”

She blows on the milk, takes a slow mouthful. “What I'm meaning is, it's about continuity, isn't it. As long as I'm here, there's a bit of her too. And my father. It's not all gone. And if...”

"If what?"

She chokes up. “He’s so unhappy. He’s usually so full of life; so full of… of take-it-in-big-bites… He’s… It’s just not him.”

“He? Who? James? I thought we were talking about you?”

“Yes… No… Yes…”

“Charlotte, you’re not making a lot of sense.”

Looking away, she drinks more of the milk, but moonlight reflects from the tears trailing down her cheeks.

I lay an arm over shoulders, kiss her face. She’s chilled, tasting salty. “You want to find your mother. He wants his daughter back.” I rub at my forehead. “I hate seeing him like this too. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but he’ll get over it.”

turns to look at

might not have been pleasant for him, but it is a kind of

“I'm not so sure.”

a low blow on her part. But I'm not sure what we can

“There's one thing I can do.” There’s a tremor in her voice. I wait, but she’s stalled and as I look down, a lock of

make

deliberately, she disentangles the knot of hair then folds her hands around

Charlotte. What is this

before I did anything.” She’s

?

Tread carefully…

I be

“He wants his daughter.”

her. You can’t give her back

could have another

a moment to penetrate. “Charlotte, are you telling me you want to get pregnant? By

“Yes,” she whispers.

Ahhh…

“Are you sure that's what you want to do…?” I speak slowly, carefully.

life to do the things I want. You too, nearly as much. But he... he doesn't have so much time and... And I want him to have the chance to see her grow up…” She swallows hard.

her head low. Her fingers knot together, then unknot,

mine, I kiss cold fingers then hold them between my warm

think I haven’t noticed you trowelling on the

it happened… Well, that it would be between the two of you. Fifty-fifty if it was you or him. And that would have been fine. I know it would. But this way, you’d be cut out and…. and….” The words and the tears run away with her and she falls

I feel

the right thing

will

… and last…

… and work…

kind of a lot to take on board all at once. I'm going to make a couple more hot drinks, but don't go away. I'm coming back. I just need to think.” I turn, heading for the kitchen,

beans to give my hands something to do. As they

loved him

Is that true?

No…

loved him

she

asked her, she’d have married

gave her

kept her

the

… Helluva wedding present…

ever repay all

?

This would do it…

sure

?

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