The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO)

Chapter 69

I tried to run, but he was on me with the fury of a psycho, beating me and pushing me into a corner, blackness wrapping around me. I thought he would kill me for sure, but then there was a thud … a low, empty thud, and he stopped. His face turned blank, his eyes glazed over and zoned out and he crumbled to the floor to reveal my mother standing behind him. A huge, twisted, wooden sculpture from the wall unit, held above her head. She glared at me, her eyes red rimmed, her face white and bloodless; it’s what I saw in that look that will always haunt me; worse than what he had done, what he had been attempting to do that had finally ripped my heart right out and stomped it to death. The anguish on her face, the accusation in her eyes as all I could see was—

“What did you do, Emma?”

I close my eyes against the fresh torrent of tears as I try to push that memory away again and again, but her face stays insistent. My mother always blamed me for Ray leaving. I was eighteen by then, no longer a child. No longer her sweet innocent little girl, but she saw me as a capable woman who must have given him some sign that I wanted it. She felt betrayed by me; it’s the one thing I’ve never been able to admit to myself. Her jealousy and blame. If she believed that of me, then, why wouldn’t I?

All of this with Jake … Has it been because of me? Because I led him to believe I wanted these things from him?

How can I recall these things and feel like I asked for them? I didn’t ask for them … I didn’t ask him to try to rape me, but deep down, somewhere inside, that child is nodding at me and she’s saying: “Yes, Emma, yes you did. Why else would these men, one after the other, try to touch you? Try to take you? You must have done something, Emma. Your own mother believed it.”

It’s the guilt that I forever shy away from, the shame and misery of my internal battle. It’s what she programmed me to accept.

Is this what I do to Jake? Do I make him want to push things further between us? Like them, will he take what he wants, then leave me broken on the floor, the way my mother was left. I was left.

Jake isn’t capable of such things, but I must be doing something for it to turn out this way.

What has Jake done to me? Why is he doing this to me now?

My mind is a messy scramble of thoughts and emotions, half of which make no sense and I’m dying inside.

I didn’t drink before Jake Carrero, I didn’t like how it made me feel. Like I lost control. I never kissed men ever, because all it did was bring back memories that make me feel ill. Never wanted anyone sexually, or even felt turned on by anyone before Jake.

I never opened up and told anyone the things I’ve told him. I never kicked back and just let go, relaxed and had fun, before him. Never took my hair down, let alone cut it. I never cried, and now I can’t seem to stop.

which he has infected me, changed me. That

that would justify that title. I don’t blame her for drifting away, because I’ve never

gave me a purpose, someone to take care of, and when she no longer needed me, I pulled away. I didn’t want her looking at me and remembering who

time and attention to organizing someone else’s life. It’s what I needed, control, calm, organization, safety, and security. Independence and self-reliance. I could focus on someone else’s existence and deny my own. Sarah never really knew the real me, she’d always seen the facade. Everyone

except Jake. He broke through

way of making that wall go up. I don’t trust them, I never have. I don’t trust anyone except

Until Jake.

I did … In

has ever tried, to see through my brave facade. He saw it right from the start, he said as much. I don’t want him to see through it, because if he did

emotionally all over the place. What

scared of getting so close to anyone, even a friend, in

times, he’s taken care of me. It hurts to remember the countless ways he’s done so over the past months, but that Jake has just walked out on me, gone to hurt me in the cruelest way. Wiping the

Jake has done now. People say they love you, but

leaving you now? Stop caring, stop crying. Go back to numb, it was always better that way.

* * *

before dawn. I watch the ocean lap up and down on the distant beach in the moonlight; the boat is still and

do this to yourself,

push it away and try not to dwell anymore. I create a new little black box in the recess of my mind and push everything

and throw it into the deepest part of my crazy mind. That’s what I do when life throws me so much pain and misery. I move on. I stop myself

steel wall, to keep him on

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