The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

Wrapped in a fluffy robe after a hot shower, I stare at my clean face in the bathroom mirror; it’s tear-stained and pale. I downed some pain killers before I got in here, in a bid to combat the beginning of a hangover and feel completely wiped out. I don’t even know if he is still in my room, or if he has gone to see Natasha, and I am not sure how I feel either way. I’m crazily disconnected inside, that none of this is real and no closer to a decision at all.

I still love him; I can’t deny that. Last night was incredibly stupid and most likely alcohol-fueled. The during was not exactly how I thought it would be, but then, part of me knows it’s because I no longer trust him like I once did. He hurt me in ways that really screwed my head up and last night proved I no longer felt secure to let him have access to every part of me.

A combination of emotional turmoil, anger, drunkenness and the first time I ever attempted sex with anyone. It’s no wonder my head went into meltdown, and my lip is sore this morning from the way I bit it. I still can’t remember where I went or what I did, but I am guessing I probably freaked out. Like I used to do years ago, and he calmed me down, the way he always did. I don’t even know how to broach what we did last night. He’s probably wondering what the point is in chasing a girl who can’t even have sex with him.

Not that I would blame him.

Pulling myself together, I head out into my room, pulling my robe tight and preparing myself for the empty space that will probably await me. Even I know he wouldn’t just leave her sitting over the street indefinitely, especially while I spent thirty minutes in the bathroom avoiding him to get my head out of my ass. He’s too considerate at times, too caring about her, even though they are no longer together.

I want him, yet I don’t. I’m terrified of letting him back in to hurt me, especially with her still hanging around, but I miss him like crazy and I know I still need him. With him gone there’s the hope of one day never feeling anything again, but I know I will probably never find anyone else who gets me the way he always did, the way he does. I’m so confused about what I want. This isn’t how it was supposed to be, and I don’t exactly feel sure that he even really means any of it anyway. I’ve lost faith in him and it’s bumped my self-esteem into submission, leaving me feeling insecure and torn. Not sure why I don’t believe him, only that maybe I am scared, and all of this will fall around my head as it did before. Afraid to hope.

I wander out, looking down at my robe as I tie it, sighing at the silence of my room and realizing he’s no longer at the window or even anywhere in the space in front of me. I turn to face my wardrobe and jump with fright at him laid out on my bed, watching me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He rises to a sitting position, looking exhausted and not the usual pulled together Arrick that I know. He’s still in the same clothes, rumpled and unshaven so it’s clear he never left the room while I took an age in there. For him to show these many signs of tiredness, means it must be bad and I feel guilty for a second.

“I thought you would have gone?” I try to keep the pain out of my voice, but my words came out hoarse and shaky. Walking away from him towards the unit across my room where I keep underwear, in a bid to get away from him and hide the fact that a shower hasn’t helped me figure anything out at all.

“Everything I want is here.” He says quietly. I pause, ears picking up yet still afraid to tell him that maybe I want him too. That maybe I want to see if this can work. Somehow admitting any of it is opening myself up to him fucking me over again and I am so not ready to do that.

“Natasha must be pretty lonesome by now?” I carry on emptily, not sure if I am trying to start a fight or still push him away instead of an answer. He sighs and slides off the bed to his feet to walk towards me, my body stiffening as I anticipate his getting closer. Tensing before his touch gets to me as I know it will only weaken me more.

pained, clearly hating that he is hurting her still, but obviously certain about where he needs or wants to be. That tug in my stomach aches a

blink up at him over my shoulder as he closes the gap between us, brushing tendrils of

glued to mine for any hint of an answer in my face. Clearly nervous. I can almost feel his heart rate through his

after everything. Don’t think last night is not an issue either.” I turn away stubbornly, catching the smile forming on his face as I do so. Something about my response tells him that he has more

my shining moment, Sophie. You should have told me that you had never … We didn’t even think about a condom.” Arrick frowns down at me, concern etched on his face but all I can focus on is the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that sex was a complete failure. He’s still trying to

What’s wrong with him?

your list of worries.” I respond numbly, brain a mass of

sex with anyone else and if you haven’t been

I bite suddenly, frustrated and upset, head reverting to chaos, pushing his hands off me as that itchy, don’t touch me feeling takes over my skin. I’m irritated

bed, but it happened, and it’s obvious that you aren’t ready for that. I have a whole lot of groveling to do before I get back your trust … to touch you that way. I don’t care if it takes ten years, Sophie. It’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I

you want someone that’s broken?” I look away from him as tears fill my eyes, unable to feel comfortable with showing him my vulnerability but can’t stop it. Exhaustion is making me overly sensitive and I could use sleep. I don’t feel the same way around him that he used to make me feel and I know it’s going to take time to

fit into.” Arrick reaches down and takes my hand, pulling my fingers to his chest and presses my palm over his heart with concentration etched that cutely furrowed brow. His eyes are a soft hazel and he looks content for once. “This slot …

know I can make you happy. No one knows you the way I do, pretty sure no other guy in the world is as crazily in love with you as I am, or ever will be. You’re the other part of me, two halves of a whole, pieces of a puzzle that belong together.” Arrick slides his arms around my waist and pulls me to him, meeting no resistance and butting me right up so every part of our bodies mold

wanted and yet now it’s unnerving me because

feel better.” Arrick smiles too, pulls my face to his and leans in cautiously. Seeing no resistance, he bridges the gap and touches me softly, lips meeting gently and slowly kisses me. I kiss him back, arms finding a way around his neck of their own accord and open myself to him, lips parting and responding to the sweetest caress. Letting my instincts

gently, aware that I am no longer ready to give all in anymore; a part of me is guarded and unwilling to give him too much.

need to get dressed. Give me a few minutes.” I smile softly at him, pulling away to create space and bringing my robe tighter around me like a protective shield. Arry watches me with a serious expression and a hint of understanding

anyone.” he moves back to my bed and lets himself slump ungracefully on top of my white unused comforter, pushing pink fluffy cushions aside as he wriggles in to get comfy, making it clear he has no intention of leaving me. I frown but also find myself smiling unintentionally. The man who has been absent for months now seems incapable of leaving me be for even minutes and I guess in a way it’s what I need. I want this from, being left alone