The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

School is stressing me out today, Christian and Jenny are squabbling in the corner and I have had to redraft this pattern a dozen times already. My focus is all over the place and the interruptions by Karen, another classmate, are making me crazy. I should have just stayed home.

I woke up moody and irritable and when Arrick got up to shower I found myself lying in bed and staring at his phone, contemplating if he deleted texts from her. I know it’s stupid. I pushed away the temptation to look at his phone, hating that my mind even went there and knowing how wrong it would be. I would go crazy if he looked through mine, even though there’s nothing I wouldn’t show him. I know I trust him, but my heart and my head are gnawing themselves apart with her swirling around between us. I have so many insecurities from before; his choice to have a life with her and not me. His decision to keep her around, and as rational as I am trying to be about all of it, I can’t help how much it’s making me this way.

I haven’t told him, closing up when she is the topic or the focus, afraid to say it out loud in case he thinks I’m a crazy jealous girlfriend. I saw how badly past girls fared by showing the jealous side around him, he literally can’t handle it. He’s not that type of person, doesn’t really get jealous and doesn’t tolerate it either because he doesn’t understand it when you’re supposedly in a stable relationship. Something he actually said to me in all seriousness, like he didn’t even see the connection at all. I felt like poisoning his coffee that day.

In the last weeks he has been the perfect boyfriend, minus the lack of sex that is, and occasional shithead remarks that makes me wonder which planet his brain hibernates on at times. I love him so much sometimes, and other times I wonder what the hell goes on in that pretty head of his and if committing murder is legal if ‘idiot boyfriend’ is the cause.

Despite all of that, he’s sweeter than I could have ever imagined, he pampers me and indulges me, even when I’m being childish and trying. What started as only seeing each other a couple of times a week, ended up being together every night because he would show up to sleep beside me or talk me into coming over when I was done with my sewing homework. Somehow our days have become more and more integrated into each other’s lives in such a brief time, without even trying. He’s taken me on every type of date imaginable and, contrary to the guy I used to see with Natasha, Arrick never has his hands off me.

He is always holding my hand, putting his arms around me, and he kisses me anytime he feels like it. Publicly too, usually a lot. He’s not shy about adoring me and manhandling me wherever we go or whoever we are with and he does seem a lot happier and more like the Arry he used to be before he moved out here. He seems more relaxed, back to being less cool and emotionless on the surface towards everyone and more chilled out. Even his friends have taken note and commented on it when he isn’t listening in.

I know all of that should tell me that I’m making him a lot happier than she ever did, but I can’t shake it or shift it. This pit of heaviness is like a black cloud on my sunny day that lingers and threatens to ruin it all. I feel like there’s a part of his head that I have no access to and in my stupidity, I am convinced that’s where he harbors all his little Natasha memories and feelings away from me.

I haven’t even told Emma about any of this, despite calling her every few days and talking the sex and other stuff through. I know she will tell me I am being dumb, even I know I am, but I can’t help it. It’s been growing over the weeks and now every time I see him near his phone, no matter the reason, I assume it’s her; or if he runs late from work or the gym, or if he disappears into his study to send emails. I keep telling myself it’s irrational, but it’s there, stuck inside me, clawing away at my sanity, making me crazy inside.

I’m beyond terrified he will wake up one day and say he misses her more than he missed me and leaves me for a life he lost. I worry constantly that I’m not giving him the parts that she did and maybe he will realize the novelty with me has worn off.

slumps down opposite me. Making me jump as I was lost in my own head and driving myself into insanity again on

sentiments exactly.” I huff without taking my eyes off the chalk line I’m drawing across my bodice pattern, changing the angle slightly to better fit my mannequin. I hate making cotton first drafts of clothes, so much adjusting

male-related too and then I will feel less like an idiot … In fact, it won’t be. Your boyfriend is clearly perfect!” Jenny sighs again, catching my eye this time and I smile

Nate is still being Nate. Acting like

me, and I always have to initiate it.” She sighs

tears and I lay down my chalk and sit down to face her properly, realizing she needs an ear right now to get this off her chest. I paste on my most understanding

Clearly!

brow, obviously listening and looking super fly in black today. Lately, his own love life has been a lot more settled, his boyfriend finally coming out

of friends, having known all Arry’s male friends a long time and now getting to know their new women and new extended friends. It feels right, as though I’ve found where I belong, and no one mentions Natasha. Even though they all know her, and know how long Arrick was with her before showing up with me on his arm, as his girlfriend instead of best friend. Christian and Jenny, and now James, seem to slot in so

road again, or that I don’t even know if I want to. Half of me does, half of me is scared and my own emotions are still all over the place concerning even trying again anytime soon. I think this whole Natasha thing is messing with me. As much as it frustrates me that Arry isn’t trying to get me to try again, a part of me is glad in case I freak out. If it really is down to trust, and even Emma thinks it is, then this whole messy Natasha hate I have going on will

room and left early next day. Wasn’t hard to guess at what they were doing; she was a screamer and Arry laughed at the noises, while I growled and threatened to go castrate the bastard before he drowned them out with some music. Okay, Arry had to wrestle me to stay in bed and remove all the sharp objects I found to go and put an end to the screaming noise in the next room. He laughed mainly at me,

woefully and my heart sinks, hating that I could have predicted this and knew she was going to get hurt. She got over Mark way too quickly and left herself

won’t change and trust me, you probably aren’t the only girl he has hanging on.” I know it’s harsh, but

was falling for him.” She looks desolate as Christian puts an arm around her and throws me the ‘yeah, that was never going to work’ look over her head with a dramatic grimace. He raises a brow, looking a little bit murderous and I have

you’re acting out a part to keep him. You’re girlfriend material, a one guy girl, and he’s not for you.” Christian lays it on thick, squeezing her half to death. We catch each other’s eye and almost nod in unison. Nathan isn’t right for our