The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

Two weeks of nightmare life, all down to me, my moods and erratic behavior that has tested every single ounce of Arricks patience. I think he’s literally seen every bad version of me there is and then some, and I can’t help it.

The idea that I am pregnant has well and truly sunk in, but I don’t love it any more than I did and feel a huge sense of resentment that I have to stay here while he flies home today to do whatever he needs to do. In the end Jake couldn’t sway his father to change the plans as he is digging his heels in. I think he is punishing Arrick over leaving the company and using his last weeks as a weapon to piss him off.

We haven’t told anyone except Jake and Emma about the baby yet, sworn them to the upmost secrecy and I wouldn’t even talk to her on the phone about it. I’m not ready for sweet cozy chats about motherhood. I don’t want all that happiness and congratulations aimed at me when all I can think about is how shitty this is.

I tried to raise a conversation about our other options with him a few days after those tests and we had a nuclear fight that pretty much told me that adoption, termination or any other avenue, is a no go. He’s set on his decision to have this kid and it’s like my input doesn’t matter at all. Needless to say, we haven’t really stopped fighting since, and the atmosphere has been icy to say the least.

Arrick dragged me to a prenatal appointment with some French doctor and basically, he agreed I can’t fly until I’m passed twelve weeks. They booked me for a sonogram when they think I’ll hit eight weeks to properly date the conception. I hated it, the whole time, sitting staring at the guy like he had two heads and any time Arry touched me I pushed him away. I was forced to be there and all of this, ever since has felt like he is pressuring me. All they did was talk over me like I didn’t matter and made plans or agreements in French that I didn’t understand.

I want to pretend it doesn’t exist for a little while longer and not face that harsh reality just yet. My options are simple; have Arricks baby and like it, OR, have Arricks baby and deal with it. Pretty much the only two options he will even listen to and anything else results in us yelling at one another. I think he has slept on the couch more times in two weeks than two whole years together. There is no come and go with him on this.

Who said having babies brought couples closer together?

All it has done is put us back to the huge distance we had started to suffer from and then some. We even went two whole days in the same apartment without directly talking to one another. Janetta acted as go between until even she got fed up, threw her hands up and gave us a lecture on growing up and getting over it.

Boy does that sound really simple!

Arrick is avoiding conversation as much as he can today, sulking or whatever. Not that I care as it fuels a fight whenever he does talk to me at all.

I hate the fact he is leaving me to go home. I hate that I’m stuck here and he’s swanning off for four days back to the life I was supposed to be having once more. I should be in New York right now, curled up with him on the couch and having ourselves a normal existence, pre-Paris happy. Instead we are angry, at war and he hasn’t laid a finger on me in almost a fortnight. Not that I want him to. He can go fuck himself for all I care.

I should be going too, to start our life back in New York, not stuck here with not even school to occupy me anymore. I’m going out of my mind with boredom and the fact all I can obsess over is how unhappy and ruined my life is. I can’t even muster the will to spend time in my sewing room, or even look at the dresses he brought back for me from my show, like it’s all pointless now.

My papers and certificate arrived last week and all I felt was disappointment, because my future is uncertain. Nothing is going to plan. The fashion world is fast moving and unforgivable and me missing any time will have resounding effects.

I should be at a graduation ceremony for this term end, not a huge affair but a mark of achievement and instead, I’m watching my boyfriend pack his suitcase to run off to the city and his sexy PA for four days, while I eat my weight in ice cream.

How did we get to this point so fast?

Arrick eyes me warily as he walks to the drawer to grab some underwear and I can tell he really wants to say something but is watching what comes out of his mouth.

because he is still going anyway. Hating him because we cannot seem to be civil to one another at all. The tension and atmosphere in this apartment has been hell on earth and even Janetta has been absent more and more. She can’t stand having to walk on eggshells around us and I can’t stand her need to

and then back to check on you at nine pm before bed. I’ll call you every morning when I get up and you can call and text me anytime. I’ll keep my cell on vibrate.” He looks over

Don’t go.

Pushing him away because he’s not helping fix my mental mess and I know I’m shoving him away with my behavior anyway. This constant anger inside of me has nowhere else to go except at him. I don’t even know why I’m angry anymore but there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe I’m angry at myself for being stupid enough

me. I look away, but he brings my face back

about walking away from you when we’re fighting.” Arrick tries to get me to look at him and it’s only with his touch I realize

I start to cry, breaking the tension that’s been building

my buttons, but every time I leave you, I’m painfully aware half of me is missing. I have no choice but to come back for you, it’s like severing my soul.” He ignores my frown through watery eyes, and

a little of my dumb insecurity over her peek out

am forced to look him in the eye. I know the Amanda thing is dumb, it’s just, walking in that day opened a whole can of insecurity that I can’t lay to rest while we are so fucked up, and we are. As much as I hate to admit it to myself. Arrick

real intimacy we have had in two weeks and it’s because he is leaving me.

the spaces between his shirt button and pull him close, rubbing my face against the cotton, against him and burying myself

and moves to break free, but I am not ready. Emotions rile up like a tidal wave inside of me and

to slide

of my grip and gets up, moving away so he can get his case up on the bed to put a last few items in.

then you won’t go.” I cry out impulsively, so caught up in feeling sorry for myself and resorting to the big guns that I never use. Emotional blackmail has never

overcoming me because I don’t want him to leave. Something deep inside of me says that if he goes everything will fall to shit, that I will fall to shit, and I won’t be able to cope alone. I can’t

down and it makes me rage. This is not my gentle caring and understanding Arry who would drop everything to console me. This is jackass, sick of

snap at him, sheer wounded pride and being a dumb little girl. I have no right to be like

You see for the last two weeks you’re the one who hasn’t wanted me to touch you and now you know I have to go; you’re pulling this shit? You think I don’t know your trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay?” Arrick snaps too, his temper has been a lot more fragile the longer this goes on and here we are, back

only staying because you won’t let me leave here!” I snap and yell it at him. Anger bursting forth. Never good

His own temper spitting fire because he is obviously so

made no fucking difference, the only difference was that we didn’t know I was like this. I want

You won’t let me!

home … in two months, like we agreed.” He’s trying to curb his rage but

YOU TOLD ME WHAT TO DO! YOU ORDERED ME TO STAY HERE!” I scream at him, all fury and frustration meeting hysteria and hormones and Arrick stops dead. Clenches a

his teeth and I pull back to come at him