The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

“Here.” Arrick hands me the salad bowl around my mom’s table where everyone is eating, barely looking me in the eye and avoids touching me when I slide the bowl out of his grip. I told him I didn’t want anyone to know beyond Jake and Emma right now and I want to act normal and enjoy being home for once. Just one normal afternoon before I single out my mother and talk to her. I know he’s told Jake from the beginning; I mean I always knew he would. He tells him everything and Jake would have told Emma, so even though I haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet, I can tell by her glances my way that she knows.

We are playing polite and nice, idle chit chat with a table of mixed Carrero and Huntsbergers who all appeared for food when they found out we were here. Arrick and I are masters of appearing unemotional and fine; we are doing it to Oscar winning standards and no one seems to be any wiser to the fact we are barely able to look at each other.

He’s not exactly happy with me right now, seeing as he tried to tell me to go to bed and rest and I insisted I wanted to get back to normal. Another fight, another stupid argument, because I won’t do as I am told, and he won’t back off from telling me what to do. The hostility is deafening while being cloaked in happy and fine. Like we are incapable of being around one another now.

My body seems to be recovering crazy quick, not that I have a comparison, but already the bleeding is so light it’s almost non-existent. I don’t know if that’s normal in less than twenty-four hours, but I can’t face seeing a doctor, not yet anyway.

I’m sure my mom will check me over when I tell her anyway and give me some advice. She will put my mind at ease or make me go to get checked out if she thinks it’s wrong, not that I do. Apart from the bleeding slowing down I feel exactly as I did before.

I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel like I have stopped wanting to eat, or cry, or act like a crazy person in all of this and I wonder how long it takes for my hormones to recover on top of everything else. I’m sick of feeling this way. It’s so hard to push it away when my body is holding onto it.

“Thanks.” I take it without smiling and go back to pushing food into my mouth. Everyone is chatting among themselves and occasionally I hear Arrick answer direct questions on Paris and our plans… I zone out and try to not interact if I don’t have to. I need the head space.

I catch Emma watching me from the far side of the table and smile at her softly. I notice Jake seems to be sending some sort of subliminal messages to his brother across the table too. I catch him frowning at Arry, who is frowning back with some weird message. No one else seems to catch their little incognito bro code and I try to act like I haven’t noticed and instead hone into what Leila is droning on about.

“The plans are coming along, but now you are done with school I guess you are taking more of a front-line part in it, seeing as it’s your own wedding.” Leila is staring at us both expectantly and as I was blanked out, I have no clue what she has even been saying. Arry has a flicker of ‘what?’ on his face too as we both smile at her so very fakely.

Shit.

“We have been so busy it’s not been our priority; we need a few days to get used to being back here again.” Arrick recovers fast, that smooth part of him swooping in to make everything appear normal.

Arry seems tense and I wonder what going through his head as he sits and eats. He doesn’t look like a guy who wants to hear about wedding plans right now and Jakes narrows his eyes at him. I have no clue how to deflect my sister as she locks her gaze and homes in on me to the point I start to sweat.

“You know planning things like that is not my strong point.” I answer her, trying to sound normal, but it’s hard to play like you are when faced with someone who can read you a little better than the average person. Leila is like a sniffer dog at times and avoiding her is the best way to make sure she doesn’t put two and two together.

“Sophie is better at the showing up looking pretty, rather than the helping getting it rolling.” Jake interjects and smiles my way with a wink. I smile back with genuine warmth, relieved to have back up among the many, even if it’s in a small way.

“It’s so exciting, to finally see our two babies getting hitched. I have waited for this day for two years and finally get to unbox my hat.” Sylvana sounds excited and I try to smile harder for her sake, to look like an excited bride, despite my lack of feeling. Arrick smiles at his mom too and I can see even from this side angle he isn’t really smiling; he looks like he’s acting it out.

“My baby is growing up.” My mom is taking her turn to get tearful and this is doing nothing for my frame of mind. I wish we had skipped the ritual family food and catch up and I had gone straight to her when we got here. I wouldn’t be enduring this right now.

“Sure is, and soon will be settling down and giving us some grandbabies.” Sylvana beams at us adoringly and I instantly feel sick, losing my appetite as I Arricks fork pauses midway to his mouth and he tenses. That flicker of jaw that signals he’s reacting internally and using every ounce of will power to not let them see it.

“Too early for babies yet, momma… Sophie has a career to get on track.” Leila cuts in and my salad turns to sawdust in my mouth.

“Congrats on finishing your second year by the way.” Daniel leans forward at the other side of Arry and throws me a smile, clearly oblivious to how excruciating this is.

“Yes, you should be really proud of yourself and what you have achieved so far.” Emma is smiling, offering me a little assurance opposite me and I can almost feel her sending me hugs. Jake is staring at his plate looking pensive and I guess he’s feeling for his brother right now. Arrick avoids looking at me at all and it all gets a hundred times worse. I can feel the walls closing in on me as an age-old panic attack starts to rise in the depths and I shift restlessly. I haven’t had one of these in so long and I need air.

“I’m not feeling great… flight left me with a headache mom, I’m going to go lay down to try and sleep it off.” I drop my fork with a clatter amid the hushed family chatter and avoid all the knowing eyes at the table. Not that there are many, but Arricks are burning into me the most. Probably mentally wondering if I am dying from loss related symptoms and mentally dialing 911.

Stop being a bitch, Sophie.

“Need me to come with you?” Arrick takes my hand as I stand up, but I twist it away before anyone notices and move out of my seat away from him.

I can’t. Not yet.

nap… I’ll be fine.” I go to leave but Arrick gets up anyway, catches me by the hand and pulls me back to kiss me.

going on and start asking questions and I don’t want to embarrass him either. He kisses me on the temple, edging in close so he can talk quietly, and my body is hit with a cold wave of tingles at the close

eye, voice barely audible to anyone but me but it sends shivers through my soul and I look away, unable to really take the pain I am seeing in his. I give him a fake half smile before bolting out of reach and run for

***

long floral dress that hugs her curves before flaring out around her legs in a really elegant way. It’s strappy and she has a good tan for the colder months, evidence of the family holiday Jake took them

feeling that

in my dress, drained, as she walks in and sits herself down on the bed beside me. I’ve only been up here around twenty minutes and expected Arry to come

her, looking past in case he’s looming

Emma answers my question and I sigh. Relieved that he’s not here yet also

don’t know how else to be. I am in over my head

your being Sophie in pain, that’s a whole different thing and you know it…

don’t. I run away from him when he starts with the inquisition, what makes you think I will

woman’s ear … Someone who isn’t directly broken about your loss, Sophie… Arrick is making you feel suffocated and you are reacting the way you always react… Run and hide, wall goes up and everyone

beside me and we mirror the same position as I scramble to lean against the headboard. Emma fixes her

to you two. I think Jake is Arry’s speed dial number in a crisis and Jake is a fan of speakerphone, so I can input.” Emma gives a little quick smirk and I look

games for hours, watch movies or make plans to go away. The room where we used to lay on the bed and talk about nothing and everything or meet when we had plans. I spent as much time in here over the

don’t know how to deal with him right now. I don’t know how to do anything except do what I am doing.” I shrug desperately and wish this weird achy cloud that

him away is hurting both of you. He needs you too, Sophie, maybe

push him away, maybe that means we’re not working anymore.” I can’t help that little tremor inside of me that feels a lot like

never had to deal with something like this that affects you both equally… He was always your rock and it was your pain; I don’t think you quite know how to handle him in pain and it’s making you defensive. Arrick doesn’t know how to be what he has been for you when he’s consumed with his own grief. You are both walking blind and making

for like five minutes; how can it make everything fall apart?” I get tearful, washing waves of something sliding up me and I am suddenly so utterly tired. I’m emotionally exhausted and this is

become real. It doesn’t mean that we don’t immediately feel something inside…We hide it from

fault? … Because I didn’t want to be pregnant.” I say it out loud, a tremor in my

answer for and there were a million possible reasons it didn’t progress. This was not your fault. Nothing you did made

know he does. I wouldn’t expect him not to.”

The sun and moon rise in you, when it comes to him, Sophie. You are the last person in the world Arry would ever blame for anything. In fact, right now knowing him, he’s beating himself up for the fact he wasn’t with you and tormenting himself stupid

is about walking away from me during a fight and yet he did it anyway. I know how much that inner conscience of his must be obsessing over that tiny detail and I hate that. Another level of

emotions back into my pits of hell. “Anytime it feels like something goes right, something comes at me to tear it all down again. I don’t know which way is up and it’s like I no longer care. I don’t feel how I should.” I’m so agitated

everything, and right

do you feel?” Emma probes gently, that soft tone she uses when she is trying to talk me through life.

empty… Numb, sort of… Sad, I guess, but not like heartbroken devastation like when Arry and I fall out. I thought I would feel more than this by now. I look at him, and his pain is there on full display and soul destroying, while here I am, like this. Like something in me is switched off. Shouldn’t I be sobbing or acting like we

those words bite at me and I inhale slowly to soothe the way it tastes. I am not fully numb, but it’s there, cutting off a lot off what lingers behind, so it doesn’t touch me. Like a million times in my childhood

of grief… Numb and empty are classic shock symptoms. When it comes to death, they can last a while, with some, the more intense your devastation it seems the stronger the numbness hits you. I think you maybe feel

back against the padded leather headboard and stare at the ceiling in despair. Frustrated with my own mind and heart. Biting the words bitterly even though I know they do not ring true. We sit quietly for

think, just answer.” She nudges me gently and I impulsively nod. Not

doubt it. I begged it to stay with me on

takes a little time. You maybe didn’t think you wanted the baby, but you would have gotten used to it in time and I

sigh heavily, willing this weight to do one. I am so fed up with this