The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

Chapter 178

I find Arrick in the garden on his own, sitting on a swing in the shadow of the trees under his childhood treehouse, lost in thought as he picks at grass on the ground underneath him.

He looks crazy young, hanging from the seat to lean down and makes me hate how these past few weeks between us have been. It’s easy to forget all we are to each other when faced with all this bullshit. Watching him now is a reminder of sitting here on summer days and laughing at his lame jokes, a happier time that warms me a little to my core.

I slide into the swing next to him and gaze at him for a moment, and yet even though I can tell he sees me, he doesn’t react. Carries on picking at blades and acting like I’m invisible.

“You giving me the silent treatment now?” I nudge into him by swinging myself over and he frowns and carries on killing grass. The air of petulant boy that’s more expected of his brother than him and for the first time in weeks, he makes me raise a tiny smile at how childish he can be sometimes. A little lifting in my heart of all that has been swirling around, all because Arrick is acting like a teen child instead of my bossy boyfriend. He’s acting like me.

“You tell me… I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing right about now when it comes to you.” His tone is low, gruff, and snappy.

He’s sulking…

My moody boy.

I take a long steady breath; Emma’s words etched into my brain and try to not get instantly defensive with him. I need to be gentle and ask him to lay off for a few days. Make him see it’s what we both need.

“I need a little breathing space and time to let everything sink in, I think. I haven’t really had time to process anything, Arry. I need you to understand it’s not you, it’s not us. I want some alone time for a few days.”

Arry sits up and locks eyes on me, leaning against the chain of the swing so it moves closer to me and watches me intensely.

“You’re not fifteen anymore, Sophs. I’m not some random guy trying to win you over and get past your defense system… This shit, us, we are way beyond all that and pushing me out, locking me out, it’s killing me.” He looks distraught, even if it’s veiled in mild anger.

“I know… I’m sorry, it’s … I don’t know how or why I feel this way, and I can’t even begin to decipher it when we seem to keep fighting with each other. I need a little time to get my head straight.” Trying so hard to keep my tone soft and sincere and my irritation under control. It’s not easy when my emotions are still all over the place and he looks so done with all of this.

loss, huh?” He snaps. Eyes getting greener by the second

please.” I plead. My heart sinking that this is heading for

want me to leave you here and go back to the city, don’t you? You want miles of space, not just houses apart?” He’s gutted, turning away, but the tensing of that jaw tells me

I don’t blame him.

I can talk to my mom and get myself checked over. Then I come home, and we figure this out.” I am trying so hard to

it’s not going to be that easy and I don’t want to feel weighted down by his feelings right now, on top of mine. I know it’s selfish, but I feel like this emptiness is stopping me from even being able to love him right now too. I can’t think beyond myself in this. If

kick at something in the grass. I stay sat still and watch him for a minute, not sure what else to do really. Holding my breath as anxiety hitches inside of me and start hoping this doesn’t lead to another all-out fight. I have

you still want to marry me? Or is that something else you don’t know how to feel about?” He looks broken so suddenly, pain etched into those eyes my heart

Oh, Arry.

it will fix this and make it

there, and I should have been?” He sounds devastated and it adds to the crushing pain in my chest that is building slowly. This is why I keep avoiding him because this

I blame me for what happened. I blame how much I kept saying I didn’t want it. This isn’t about you, it’s about me and how much I feel like I made this happen. Don’t you get that? … I kept telling it I didn’t want it, resented being stuck there and not getting to choose anything happening in my life anymore. I blamed it for us fighting all the time, feeling trapped and cut off from everyone and all our plans and goals… And you walking out on me in anger… I blame everything on myself for laying all the blame on an innocent baby for everything going to shit. I did this and then when I lost it, I didn’t feel anything that I know I should feel and it’s messing my head up.” The sob escapes my throat out of nowhere and Arrick slides down onto his knees in front

fucked up girl who goes to shit over being touched when her body is in emotional angst. Arrick puts his hands down with minimal reaction but I still catch that

just happens. Not every baby conceived is meant to make it and we were unlucky to have it happen to us.

what you feel, only how I do. I don’t know how to help you in this, but I don’t want to deal with this apart. We’re stronger together, we always have been and making me leave you alone will only make this worse for both of us.” He sounds desperate, but it makes me more stubborn in this. His resistance making that part

me feel guilty; it’s a vicious circle. I can’t deal with it, and I can’t deal with

as it comes out of my mouth and the look on his face is like a punch in the gut. I know it’s the only way to get him to listen to me. But Is wear his expression reminds me of what slaughtering a puppy

mean a breakup?” He almost chokes on the words and I stare numbly at him, unable to think straight. I want to take it back and explain but he’s already deciphering the meaning in his own way and I babble

apart… However, you want to label that. Just some breathing space for both of us, you’re overreacting.” I look away from him as emotion flashes across

stubborn tone on, and it riles me even in my heartbreak that all he hears is one point in a mass of sentences. He hears break up and nothing else. Steamrolling over the point and refusing to understand

fucking typical of

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