The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

“Feeling better?” Sylvana hands me a fresh glass of iced water as I sit out in the back veranda in the cool afternoon air. She’s put Mia in the playroom with the housekeeper, while the maid is in cleaning the kitchen and making me feel guilty as hell.

“A lot. I think it was the heat from the kitchen and I haven’t been feeling great since we landed back home.” I sigh and relax back, glad of the breeze. She comes and sits opposite me on another lounger and regards me with a concerned expression.

“The fresh air will help that.” She watches me pensively and I know there are questions waiting to come out of that mouth, I can tell, but she seems hesitant.

“I should go and let you get some time with Mia. I’m ruining your Nona day.” I go to get up, now almost back to normal, but she lays a hand on mine and stops me mid lift.

“Mia is fine, she’s with Colette making glitter paintings. You sit and gather yourself, you’re clearly under the weather.”

“I’m sorry about that… I haven’t been feeling great for a while, still recovering.” I avoid her gaze and look out across the garden, over the pool and at the distant huge greenhouse that contains Sylvana’s beautiful flower collection. Arry and I used to sit in there on rainy days and find peace in being in a miniature botanical garden. I can’t help the smile that comes out of nowhere when I picture us walking through her rose arches inside the great glass structure. This place holds so many memories.

“I need your honesty, Sophie… Are you and Arry breaking up?” Sylvana cuts to the chase, brining my attention back to hers and I catch my breath with the sorrow I see there. Seems Jake was right, and everyone has been speculating my Arry-less stay. I’ve been ignorant in my little bubble, that any of them would notice.

“No. I wanted some time here after being in Europe for a year and Arry had things that needed done in the city.” I answer with a half-truth, avoiding her eyes and feel incredibly guilty.

“So, you are saying you are fine, your relationship is fine?” She looks unconvinced and I nod a little too enthusiastically. Hands getting clammy with my dishonesty.

“Yes.” I look away finding her expression too painful, ripping my heart apart at the fact I can sit here and bullshit her.

“You wouldn’t lie to me though?” The accusing tone and way her eyes seem to eat through to my core makes me extremely uncomfortable and I squirm in my chair before antsy legs make me jump to my feet.

“Sylvana, please.” I mock laugh as though she is being ridiculous and realize a little too late that my acting abilities have their limits.

“My son is broken; he has been since you got here and then he leaves without a goodbye… I saw it… So please, Sophie, be honest with me. I’m not here to take his side and judge; I just want to know what’s happening between my babies. You are both precious to me and my heart is aching.” Her voice breaks, tears fill those familiar green eyes and I sit down like a scolded child as waves of cold and shame rack through me. Lying to her of all people is a huge betrayal and I can’t look at her anymore. I kick the grass under my feet and stare at my boots awkwardly.

“I… I… I’m sorry.” I don’t know what to say. I’m overwhelmed emotionally suddenly and ashamed of myself. Caught in a lie by the one woman who matters so much.

“Did he do something? In your time apart, the long months and the agony of long distance?” She’s blinking at me with a broken expression and I can barely hold myself together at seeing her so distraught.

“No! Arry would never… He loves me too much to do anything stupid.” I defend him, aching for him in this moment for his mother’s sake and for mine, because I know it’s true. He adores me so much. He would know what to say to soothe her if he were here and be my grounding force and hold my hand. Like he always is.

“Then what?” She’s pushing, grabbing my hand, and enveloping it in her soft fingers. Pleading at me with her manner, to tell her that Arry and I are okay. I wish I could, but I don’t want to keep lying.

heavily, and I can’t do it with her. She has been so much to me, so crucial to my life in so many ways and I don’t want to keep hiding about any of this. He is

yet calm and even though the words are painful. I don’t fall apart or cry. I accept that it is what it is and it’s okay to not be okay. My body pulses with the effort to remain so but it feels better to tell someone properly. She sits in stunned silence and stares at me for a moment. Saying nothing,

for space.” I say it

start to cry. Like a release of pressure in a really needed way. I’ve been all over the place with my emotions lately and I give up trying to remain in control when I clearly have no skills at it anymore. I break down,

selfish as ever, so I could be alone with my childish brain to figure out how

stubborn and don’t want to admit that I am wrong. I cannot self-heal while being in the Hamptons, I cannot get through this

need us too.” Sylvana isn’t reacting like I expected. She’s soothing me, holding my hand as she returns to her seat and brushes away my free-flowing tears with gentle

losing and how it affected my dreams and plans. I have been a living nightmare for him and

my reason to feel anything but empty

you had, my darling child. You had a plan and goals and aspirations, and you were at the beginning of that journey. You’re young and naïve and not gotten to the point where you realize babies do not mean an end to that. I don’t blame you for acting in fear and pushing him away. That’s what you do when you’re scared. We all know that about you.” My tears become silent, yet keep falling, soaking my

as Sylvana can

I wanted to run screaming.” I admit it and yet it seems pathetic in hindsight. Little

knowingly and smiles gently. She knows her sons well and that look of gentle adoration only

me and take care of everything. I don’t do things for myself when I know he can do it for me… So, he did what I always expect of him and then I hated him for it when I lost control of everything that

I lose sight of how grateful I should

your place with each other is not a quick thing. It takes years to find that balance between you and a role that you’re both comfortable with. Arrick carries guilt from a rocky beginning, he told me so many times. I think he

me to take care of him.” I sigh with regret, seeing my part in where things started to fall apart, long before the pregnancy. I kept putting all the pressure and frustration I felt on him, ignoring how much he was putting himself through to even come home to me and keep trying to take care of me. He proposed to me to prove how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. He flew home, dropping everything when

sobering on

find

tears and it’s then I realize she dabs her own face too. I wasn’t aware she had even begun to cry,

fix him. Instead I

woman does that to the man she

to be his wife, then you need to find your place and your voice within your relationship. It’s okay for him to take the lead sometimes, but he needs to learn that you are capable of doing it too and you need to take on some independence and show him you can. You need to be

one-way thing. Arry gives and I take. That’s our problem. I got so used to being his Princess and not having to ever repay

I didn’t think we should get married.” I’m ashamed of how much that must have hurt him, especially after proposing me to me after two years of waiting to do it. Proposing to me to fix us, to make

Good going.

marry him anymore?” Sylvana blanches, that shock shoots across her face and makes me

do… I feel like we’re broken, and a wedding wouldn’t fix anything.” I gaze out at the