The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

Arrick is face down on the kitchen counter counting to ten and trying to not strangle me this morning.

He’s had seven days in this apartment with me, instead of heading off on our honeymoon, because I cannot fly, and he has taken the time off work to do just that. I think it’s probably making him question life in general. Question about everything about marrying me, living with me, even sleeping beside me.

I made him go search for a bakery at five a.m. this morning because I really, really, could not sleep with thinking about lemon meringue pie. He was gone over an hour trying to find one for me and when he came back, I didn’t want it anymore… I wanted cherry, and pizza, and then I fell asleep after eating Cheeto’s instead. I’m supposed to be in the bath he made me, resting, being pampered because I’m bored and restless and the walls are starting to close in on me. I was never really one for long bouts of staying home and doing nothing and it’s only taken seven days for the novelty to wear off.

Without anything to keep my brain occupied, school on hold, sewing is making me frustrated and daytime TV is mind numbing. I haven’t really been able to go out much because I still feel unwell whenever we do go out to eat too often and I can’t drink. We had to drive home to the city as I couldn’t fly, while I have a million restrictions and life is still in limbo.

We decided to make our seven days of honeymoon at home, to chill, be together and do nothing. It has not exactly been my idea of a great week. New York is in rainy season and the view has been grey and wet for days. Take out has become boring and anytime he cooks in the apartment, I start retching. The balcony is too windy to get any air at this time of the year and I have had my limit on laying on the couch watching movies.

“Are you mad?” I wander towards him cautiously, knowing that my last twenty minutes of tantrumming was over the fact my favorite bubble bath made me vomit by smell alone after he ran it, and then when he refilled it with no scent I burst into erratic tears, because he didn’t light any candles and that ruined the whole ambience.

I have no idea what is wrong with me.

The last few days I think I have gone from shock, to meltdown and back again and knowing I am pregnant seems to have unleash a tidal wave of hormones.

“No, Sophs… I’m just… taking a moment.” He stands up and reaches a hand out to me, pulling me into the crook of his arms between him and the counter and rests his chin on my head as I wrap myself around his body.

“You are mad… You look mad, you sound mad.” I whisper quietly, holding onto him for dear life and feeling crazily fragile again. I swear the roundabout of emotions has come at me like a monsoon and I really have no way to cope. It’s a wonder he hasn’t packed his bags and walked out on me. I have been trying so hard to appreciate him more in the last weeks, but this has set everything back. I have zero control of the inner crazy that jumps out of me at the weirdest times.

“I’m not… I’m tired, seeing as you spent most of the night kicking me in and out of bed, because you couldn’t sleep, you were too hot, too cold, too uncomfy, too hungry, too thirsty… I’m adjusting to my new hormonal wife.” Gritted teeth, an edge to the tone.

Okay, yeah, he’s mad.

“Maybe you should go back to work and get some time away from me.” I look up at him endearingly, guilty for being a pain in his ass but he sighs heavily and frowns at me with that cute little half smile and wipes away all the frustration in his face.

“I don’t need a break from you, baby… I need a nap… And maybe we could get out of here later, I think we’re suffering from cabin fever. I could take you somewhere quiet and romantic for dinner, or even a walk?” he kisses my forehead and squeezes me a little tighter, and I curl closer. Inhaling him.

great idea to me… I feel like getting dressed up and looking sexy tonight. Maybe… You know, we might do some fooling around and relieve some tension?”

make me lose this one too and I guess I understand. We are both so afraid of anything going wrong that we have both been really oober sensitive about any little twinge. I have my mom on speed dial, and I have called her

she puts my mind at ease. Even when Arrick is right here. It’s brought us closer so rapidly in such a short time and opened my eyes to how much I have always needed her. My mom seems to be reveling in this newfound appreciation and texts me

really trying to not be a huge Diva and chase him off, but it’s hard to change the habits of a relationship overnight. Especially when he is in pamper overdrive because I am so vulnerable and fragile with carrying his unborn heir. Arry stops and considers it for a

I think we need sex. Maybe if we took it slow, not full penetration but

amusing sometimes. How I can be a sexy siren seducing my boy in kinky ways, dressing up in slutty attire for the bedroom and handcuffing him to the headboard; and then on another hand he

feel like your father, baby…” He

to react too, they’re just words, but it hits me in a way he never meant, and I can’t believe how crazily sensitive I am. I pull away from him at speed and glare through an

face crumbles as it

He hauls me back to him and holds me close. Smoothing down my hair and cradling me as he sways me, trying to soothe my upset back down again. Me and my stupid messy head, feeling weirded out by his talking about being my father. And you know? Sex, with us and somehow

making me crazy and scars I thought I had faced are so raw again that I don’t know which way is up. My mom warned me that this could happen, that memories

her, my mother, too and I think partly why I have been so touchy this

let him do those things and then sent me away when I asked her to save me. She gave birth to me, held me, and fed me until I could walk. She raised me until I was fourteen, but she let him hurt me and walked away when I got free. She didn’t even

feel so little for the life she carried in her body?

hurting the life inside of me… Despite my love for him… Despite knowing I would never survive without him… I would stab him to death with my

child the way my

need to go back and see your counsellor for a while? To talk about the past now we’re having a kid of our own. I mean, it’s bound to be messing your head up in some way, raising questions… Memories. I don’t understand the mechanics of it, Sophs, but I know it’s normal for victims of childhood abuse to go through a second bout of trauma when they have kids of their

for damaged kids and has insight I often forget he has. He knows about this kind of thing from working with her and seeing it from other kids. All locked in that sensitive brain of his that

I think it’s hormones or tiredness. I didn’t sleep

to break my tears with a genuine smile. Reminding me of my Diva self and how much

I’m being a nightmare.” I sniff back the emotion and start to get a grip on myself again once more. I have done this so many times this week that I don’t think tears have that much of an effect on him anymore.

signal. If I think I may be about to blow my top I’ll leave the room and go stand naked on the balcony or something, to cool down.” He

that would encourage me to stay away from you really.” I giggle at the visual, imagining it would only make me follow him and harass him all the

like this. Thank god pregnancy isn’t a major long-term thing and it’s all temporary.” He grins