The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

I know Sophs loves me, she tells me all the time. I don’t get what this is and why she’s so upset about it. I don’t get why she feels the need to keep emphasizing she cares about me. I know this, she knows I love her too.... I honestly don’t understand, unless she somehow feels I don’t anymore, because I left her here and walked off mad?

“Okay.... You said that ....” I move towards her, smiling a little as I try to get my head around why she is being odd, trying to weigh up my theory and it suddenly registers with the way she is watching me painfully, intensely; as though seeking some sort of answer to what she said. The penny drops from a great height and almost takes me out with the impact of the blow as I stupendously connect the dots and stumble with the fallout.

“By love? ...... Sophs.... What do you mean?” I frown at her as a tightening knot, envelopes my guts and my anxiety hitches steadily, a little tremor of clarity pushing through at exactly what she is telling me. Fogginess giving way to a little niggling realization that brings up a huge wave of nervous nausea. I must visibly pale as it feels like all the blood drains from my face.

“I’m sorry, Arry, I didn’t mean to. It’s not like I meant for things to change... It just happened.” She looks even more devastated this time, eyes glazing with tears, breaking me apart. I can’t breathe as it forces its way into my head, exactly what she means. I pause, momentarily stunned and have no clue how to react at all. Still as stone while my brain throws itself into a frenzy of emotions and thoughts and I am rendered temporarily stunned as it sinks in and set’s my brain on fire.

Sophie is my best friend, the girl I love like a best friend. Like a sister.

“You don’t love me like that, Sophs, you don’t know what you’re saying. This is stupid, you’re confused.” It tumbles from my mouth as my mind tries to catch up, still in shock, fumbling and staring at those searching scared eyes she’s locked on me and I can barely breathe. My body turns rigid; I can see her staring at me, that beautiful little face so open and afraid, and yet all I can feel is a huge building wave of sheer panic and a need to back away from her at a hundred miles an hour. My feet seem to follow, and I halt myself from literally running away from her.

My hands have a mind of their own and grasping at fuck knows what, between us. I shove them down and try to stop my feet from turning again to get away from her. Needless to say, this is not a reaction I ever thought I would have to something I never thought I would hear from Sophs of all people.

We are not like this with one another.... we’re best friends. It’s not right, it’s weird on so many levels and I don’t look at her that way.

“Arry?” She reaches for me this time, stepping towards me, but the wave of blackness closing in on me makes me move away impulsively. Afraid that her touch might send me running and that would be the shittiest thing to do to her right now. Trying to control my breathing, lungs heavy, as her eyes bore into me, eating me away with that terrified look in her eye. I want to be who she needs, to hold her and tell her it’s all going to be okay, but I’m freaking out, and realizing that nothing is going to be fucking okay if she looks at me in that way.

That’s like kissing and sex...... Sophie and sex...No, no, no, NOPE!!!

we have never been like that. This isn’t right, Sophs; this is wrong on so many levels, it’s practically incest.!” I blanch at her, head in chaos, thoughts tumbling around crazily. I can’t even begin to comprehend what being that way with her would be like. It’s wrong on so many levels. My body is in a state of cold panic and my blood is sending weird icy waves from my toes to my head as it tingles across my scalp

her. She’s MY Sophie! The way she’s looking at me is ripping my insides out on top of all that. Wounded, hurt by my scathing rejection, and it’s killing me inside. I’m so fucking powerless to do anything but hold my shit together

She raises her palms, her face overcome with regret and heartbreak, tears threatening to spill, and I feel that same stabbing pain in my gut. She’s hurting, and I’m doing nothing to alleviate it. I have no words; nothing formulates or comes out of my mouth as a million thoughts and feelings collide like a massive train wreck in my head. I think I might be sick; the room is tilting pretty badly, and maybe I should sit down. Definitely not getting enough oxygen and my own panting breath is drowning out her voice. “I didn’t know until yesterday that this is what is even wrong with me. This is all a shock to me too, and it’s not like I don’t know that this isn’t right. I know you don’t look or feel that way about me, I know you’re in love with Natasha and this fucks me and you up in

her if she feels this way about me,

hold her, yet my brain telling me not to touch her and give her the wrong

we have. I refused to allow my head to ever go there once I got to know her, although once upon a time, there was a moment. A moment I wanted her, right back in the beginning, before I knew how young she was, or how scarred. And then I became someone she needed, a best friend, and I vowed to never let my thoughts stray that way again.

through my head, and a huge overwhelming pit of ache pins my chest as I visualize her in my head, reminding me that my heart is already invested elsewhere, and I should not even contemplate any what if’s. It’s so abhorrent to even be mentally unfaithful that I shove it all

to feel right now, Sophs. We’re Batman and Robin, not Batman and Catwoman!” I move back to give myself breathing space, my body is too eager to wrap around her and hug this all away, but I know it won’t help either of us. So majorly confused. I never saw this coming at all, and I am pretty sure Sophie is having some sort of midlife crisis, that this is all a huge misunderstanding.

across the carpet, unsure what else to do or feel in this moment. I have a slew of reasons pouring through my brain about why this is wrong, as if I would even contemplate it......which I wouldn’t.

ago. I looked at her that way for a brief moment, but that was before. We have come so far since

out of my chest. She looks so broken and I hate myself for this, for not feeling that way about her

not the way you want me

get how this...” I can’t

love with you? Really?” Anger spikes in her voice, that dripping sarcasm replacing the pain, and for a moment I stare at her in awe. The beauty that is Sophie. That fire when she’s hurt, that self-preservation kicking in to fiercely

to close up on me, reverting to inner Sophie to shield herself from the agony that I’m inflicting on her. Stomach and heart meeting in unison as both drop low in my pelvis with a thudding pang of regret. I’m never usually the cause for her

it really that awful, or unbelievable?” She struggles to her feet, that mask lifting up to shield her emotions, her face calming to impassive, and her wall building. I can see it happening right in front of me and I’m powerless to do anything about it. It’s killing me to see it from this side once more. It’s been five whole years since I was over this side of the

up too, feeling at a disadvantage down here and my legs are not as rubber as they were moments ago. I think the shock is wearing off, and still reeling in indecision. I find concentrating on being upright a momentary relief.