The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

That stillness, that moment of heaven, the immersion into an eruption of feel good tingles and chest swelling, weirdly. It happens again. Like a slow content, almost blissful silence in my head, while my body gives into sensation; where the only thing I can feel, or see, or taste, is her. And I like it.

My fingers find their way to her face, shocked we fit so perfectly as our mouths mold flawlessly together. She tastes like she smells. Tropical, sweet, addictive, a kiss so soft and perfect that I want to pour more of myself into it. I try to get lost in the moment, the eruption of fire in my stomach, the way my body warms at the contact achingly, as though finding something it has been yearning for and longing to devour it whole; but the kick of guilt and horror that overtakes me at doing this, as sense and logic kicks in, hits full force and leaves me breathless as I pull away. Lifting my palms away from touching her.

I realize how little control I actually had of my faculties in doing what I just did. There was no explanation for crossing this line other than a moment of total stupidity. No way to explain the way my senses took over and reacted like that kind of contact between us was natural. I’m beyond livid with myself for my behavior, on all accounts. I have a fucking girlfriend! Sophie is my BEST friend.

“Shit. I don’t know why I..... I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Sophs. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I ... I don’t know why I …” I move away from her, no longer able to trust myself and completely fucked up by how I’m feeling about her right now. Her kiss lingering in my head, her taste, her lips. That stirring inside of me that I could maybe feel that way about her if I let myself explore the possibility, explore more of that kind of contact between us.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

What the fuck are you doing, Arry?

I am freaking out, I know I am. My heart rate is through the roof and I can barely breathe, let alone think straight. My feet are pacing, even though I have no clue as to where they are going, and I cannot stand at peace to still the chaos in my brain. She stares at me wordlessly and it’s unbearable. I have nothing to say; for myself, for what I just did. I don’t know what to even do. I’m not a cheat, a guy who uses women or discards his girlfriend so carelessly, yet I just kissed another girl, willingly.

“I need you to go.” Sophie looks at me with an almost dead pan expression, but that tiny flicker in those endlessly deep eyes tells me she’s hurting and it’s another strike in the stomach. Forget my brain chaos, my girl is in distress, and I just made it all fucking worse.

“Soph?” I lift my hand to reach for her, even though I have no clue what to say. Completely out of my depth and I need time to process all of this. She gives me the big ‘back off’ glare and I know this is futile. Like me, Sophie needs processing time, and in her frame of mind versus mine, we will get nowhere except running around in circles. I’ve managed to get myself near the door with my chaotic pacing, and I realize that leaving is maybe the best idea right now. She’s right. We both need a little space to get some perspective on this. I know us, I know her, and she needs breathing space to sulk, while I need space to think about everything that just happened in a very short time.

I mean, I walked in here to mend bridges and hang out with my best friend. I’m leaving with our relationship in shreds and my head on how I feel about fucking the girl who is my best friend.

Jesus.

her, but then realize that was the mistake I made before and ended up kissing

her! Why the fuck did I do that? I can’t cross this line,

would ever forgive me. My heart almost stops beating when I think about the bigger picture here, and exactly how both of our families would react to

faith they have in me, to always do right by her. When I think of her past and

from that kiss, while I get my shit together and my brain out of my ass. I can’t leave this hanging between us; I need to be clear that I made a stupid mistake. She can be mad, upset, and moody, she will process it a lot faster if I give her instant

think I feel that way about you. I have a girlfriend, and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her.... That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat. I don’t know what that was.” I know I should leave, but even as the words fall out that pit of anxiety grows, and the words feel like lead in my mouth. I can’t decide if it’s because I know I’m hurting her, or if it is

lose. Natasha is already going to be hurt when I go home and tell her what I’ve done, and it makes me feel even more nauseous. I hate hurting people, yet here I am hurting

to forget it. It felt like I always imagined kissing the right girl would feel like, but it’s her, Sophie. Never ever would I ever go there. She means more than this.

graze of lips, almost chaste, and probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her, and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more. I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant to, exactly for this reason. So, go ... I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.” Sophie barely looks at me and her voice betrays nothing. It kills me inside, because I know her and know this is the face of indifference she presents when she is wounded. She can make me bleed without even trying, with words that hold so much weight even though I know none of it is true. She doesn’t really mean any of it; she’s acting out to save herself from heart ache. We haven’t drifted apart; we just haven’t been nurturing our friendship and she has no idea how I even feel about her or that kiss. She isn’t just mad at

wipe this away, fix it somehow, be honest and talk this out properly. She looks so alone and vulnerable, even under the tough exterior, the way I hate her looking. My heart constricts in my chest, yet I am powerless. Torn with doing what is right,

cold and I hesitate about going to her. Her slight frame and petite little body cries to be held. My own heart telling me to just fuck everything and go to her. I yearn to wrap around her and make this better. Shield her from the heartbreak she’s feeling. I hate knowing Sophie is in pain, yet I’m causing it. Why the fuck

will only end up making it worse. Reluctantly I move back, watch her turn away from me for a second and feel that panic rise in my stomach, torn in two about what to do. Hesitation is the overriding factor. I need to think this through, I’m better when I get space to process things and this is what I need to do. I should give myself space to lay it out neatly and plan how

she wants to be left alone and even if I had something more positive to say to her, she’s not in the mood to hear it. I walk away, pausing outside her door in a moment of doubt about

and I can tell it’s an act to push me to leave. Fake indifference. She’s guarding herself, holding together until I go away. I shouldn’t leave without saying something ... even

and somehow a goodbye isn’t what I want to say at all. So instead I turn and leave, before I change my mind. I

after what I just did. What she told me about how she feels. There is so much to compute. I move down the stairs quickly, my head elsewhere and nod at the housekeeper as I let myself out into the daylight. Barely taking in the journey as I move on autopilot; fit ready to collapse with how

yard staring emptily at the street and no clue what the fuck to feel. Like a tidal wave of

love with me, and I never saw it coming at all. My best friend is in love with me and it feels like it

love with her. I have responsibilities relating to Sophie that would make being with her so wrong. She’s like a sister in a way. My family would be pissed at me, hers would be too. I’m too old for her, she’s too young, we’re not right in that way. If we dated and we didn’t work out, I would lose her, and I can’t