The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

That stillness, that moment of heaven, the immersion into an eruption of feel good tingles and chest swelling, weirdly. It happens again. Like a slow content, almost blissful silence in my head, while my body gives into sensation; where the only thing I can feel, or see, or taste, is her. And I like it.

My fingers find their way to her face, shocked we fit so perfectly as our mouths mold flawlessly together. She tastes like she smells. Tropical, sweet, addictive, a kiss so soft and perfect that I want to pour more of myself into it. I try to get lost in the moment, the eruption of fire in my stomach, the way my body warms at the contact achingly, as though finding something it has been yearning for and longing to devour it whole; but the kick of guilt and horror that overtakes me at doing this, as sense and logic kicks in, hits full force and leaves me breathless as I pull away. Lifting my palms away from touching her.

I realize how little control I actually had of my faculties in doing what I just did. There was no explanation for crossing this line other than a moment of total stupidity. No way to explain the way my senses took over and reacted like that kind of contact between us was natural. I’m beyond livid with myself for my behavior, on all accounts. I have a fucking girlfriend! Sophie is my BEST friend.

“Shit. I don’t know why I..... I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Sophs. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I ... I don’t know why I …” I move away from her, no longer able to trust myself and completely fucked up by how I’m feeling about her right now. Her kiss lingering in my head, her taste, her lips. That stirring inside of me that I could maybe feel that way about her if I let myself explore the possibility, explore more of that kind of contact between us.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

What the fuck are you doing, Arry?

I am freaking out, I know I am. My heart rate is through the roof and I can barely breathe, let alone think straight. My feet are pacing, even though I have no clue as to where they are going, and I cannot stand at peace to still the chaos in my brain. She stares at me wordlessly and it’s unbearable. I have nothing to say; for myself, for what I just did. I don’t know what to even do. I’m not a cheat, a guy who uses women or discards his girlfriend so carelessly, yet I just kissed another girl, willingly.

“I need you to go.” Sophie looks at me with an almost dead pan expression, but that tiny flicker in those endlessly deep eyes tells me she’s hurting and it’s another strike in the stomach. Forget my brain chaos, my girl is in distress, and I just made it all fucking worse.

“Soph?” I lift my hand to reach for her, even though I have no clue what to say. Completely out of my depth and I need time to process all of this. She gives me the big ‘back off’ glare and I know this is futile. Like me, Sophie needs processing time, and in her frame of mind versus mine, we will get nowhere except running around in circles. I’ve managed to get myself near the door with my chaotic pacing, and I realize that leaving is maybe the best idea right now. She’s right. We both need a little space to get some perspective on this. I know us, I know her, and she needs breathing space to sulk, while I need space to think about everything that just happened in a very short time.

I mean, I walked in here to mend bridges and hang out with my best friend. I’m leaving with our relationship in shreds and my head on how I feel about fucking the girl who is my best friend.

Jesus.

this sink in... I can’t think straight......” I move to her, but then realize that

her! Why the fuck did I do that? I can’t cross this

stops beating when I think about the bigger picture here, and exactly how both of our

think about the trust and faith they have in me, to always do right by her. When I think of her past and why it would be

hope she may have from that kiss, while I get my shit together and my brain out of my ass. I can’t leave this hanging between

that way about you. I have a girlfriend, and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her.... That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat. I don’t know what that was.” I know I should leave, but even as the words fall out that pit of anxiety grows, and the words feel like lead in my mouth. I can’t decide if it’s because I know I’m hurting her, or if it is the fact that I’m not being honest. I never

is already going to be hurt when I go home and tell her what I’ve

it. I need to forget it. It felt like I always imagined kissing the right girl would feel like, but it’s her, Sophie. Never ever would I ever go there. She means more than this. We mean more than this and I don’t see a future without her in it. If I want to hold on to that then I have to kill this now, it’s too messy.

probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her, and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more. I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant to, exactly for this reason. So, go ... I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.” Sophie barely looks at me and her voice betrays nothing. It kills me inside, because I know her and know this is the face of indifference she presents when she is wounded. She can make me bleed without even trying, with words that hold so much weight even though I know none of it is true. She doesn’t really mean any of

overriding emotion. I want to wipe this away, fix it somehow, be honest and talk this out properly. She looks so alone and vulnerable, even under the tough exterior, the way I hate her looking. My heart constricts in my chest, yet I am powerless. Torn with doing what is right, over what my gut wants to

be held. My own heart telling me to just fuck everything and go to her. I yearn to wrap around her and make this better. Shield her from the heartbreak she’s feeling. I hate knowing Sophie is in pain, yet I’m causing it. Why the fuck did this have

I should. There is nothing I can do right now and the longer we stay like this I will only end up making it worse. Reluctantly I move back, watch her turn away from me for a second and feel that panic rise in my stomach, torn in two about what to do. Hesitation is the overriding factor. I need to think

had something more positive to say to her, she’s not in the mood to hear it. I

to push me to leave. Fake indifference. She’s guarding herself, holding together until I go away. I shouldn’t leave without saying something ... even goodbye.

I turn and leave, before I change my mind. I pause in the hall but then catch sight of movement

the stairs quickly, my head elsewhere and nod at the housekeeper as I let myself out into the daylight. Barely taking in the journey as I move

time, and now I’m standing in her front yard staring emptily at the street and no clue what the fuck to feel. Like a tidal wave of sheer anxiety

with me and it feels like it changes everything in my entire world

a way. My family would be pissed at me, hers would be too. I’m too old for her, she’s too young, we’re not right in that way. If we dated