The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

It kills me that I can love her this much and was stupid enough to give that up, to give her up. It’s so black and white in the clear light of my brain defogging and how fucking dumb I am. It was never about what my heart wanted; it was always about what was best for everyone else’s.

I don’t want Natasha; I don’t think I ever really did. I want Sophie. If I’m being honest then I’ve always wanted her, needed her. It’s why I could never ignore the two a.m. cries for help. It’s part of my soul to be there for her to fall on, to depend on, to call, and lean on. I grew up for her and became her rock, gave her that safe space to grow and heal and kept the world at bay so it didn’t touch her. I created our bubble together so Sophie could thrive and feel secure, enjoy life without fear and I always told myself it was because I never had a kid sister and she just screamed out for protection. So precious, so angelic and I wanted to give her that.

No one is doing that for her now. Who can replace what I was in her life? Who’s there for her when she needs a hug, when she needs someone to pick her up? No one, because I know her. She won’t let anyone close. It took me so much work to edge even a little nearer and took years to have her fully rely on me.

I should be there. I’m the one who was always meant to bandage her wounds, wipe away her tears. She trusted me and me alone, to be the one to see deep inside of her, touch her before anyone else was allowed to. Hug her before even her own mom got to. All of that didn’t get handed to me easily, I worked hard to be close to her, to pull her out of darkness, being careful and patient and reliable, because I was drawn to her from the first second I met her. The overwhelming need to be her hero and save her from monsters and nightmares pushed me to never give up on her, no matter how hard she got to deal with. Sophie let me in for a reason, fate brought us together, and I fought it all the way, afraid to see the truth which is now overwhelming me and staring me blankly in the face.

In the weeks that I haven’t been her protector, then who has? Who has been taking care of my girl? Who’s been loving her in the way I was always meant to?

It’s a pain worse than death to realize that I did this to her. That she’s been alone all this time, hating me, hurt by me, and yet knowing her, suffering alone. She won’t turn to those she loves for support ... that was always me. I was her rock. Just as she was my reason for staying sane and grounded and getting my act together.

I didn’t just sever a friendship to save a relationship I feel obliged to be in. I let the girl who loves me and needs me, walk away, alone, to suffer, alone, so I could save face and not let everyone down or break the heart of a girl I don’t even love.

I let the girl I do love go. And I do... I love her. I really, really, fucking love her. I’m in love with Sophie, in all ways, on all levels. Half my soul and completely dependent on her for survival kind of love. The kind that makes you walk across oceans and face fire just to be with them. Loved her that way all along and yet I failed to prove it to her or be there when she truly needed me because I couldn’t face it, too afraid to see it. Failed to tell her I loved her when it’s the only thing she asked of me. It’s all she has ever asked for … Me! My attention, my adoration, my love.

Staring at a white horse prancing around on screen, feeling the dampness hit my cheek as the realization hits me that this is the problem right here. I didn’t let a girl I care about walk away. I pushed the girl I am crazy in love with, out the door stupendously, for someone I don’t. Because of a lot of stupid shit that I felt weighed up to so much more importance than how I really feel about her.

Behind all of it was my own cowardice and fear. Afraid to love Sophie, because all along I ‘ve known how huge it is, how much power she has over me and I ran from her when she offered me everything. Scared of the depth of love I have for her and what it can do to me, my life, and my whole world. I ran to safety in the old and familiar, hid behind excuses rather than faced the possibility of changing everything and really feeling everything she was offering me.

I don’t love Natasha. I don’t think I ever really did, not now I can recognize that what I feel for Sophie is how love is meant to feel. It’s guilt, it’s a sense of duty and loyalty. But it’s not love. I could never feel about Tasha the way I feel about Sophs.

Sophie makes me feel like I’m going crazy without her, she brings emotions out in me that no one else has ever been able to and when we fight it’s a thin line between love and hate and all out insanity, because she cuts me deeper than anyone else can. She can wound with the simplest of things and her absence is unbearable. Looking back at our whole friendship, she’s always been able to wrap me around her little finger, drive me from craziness to happiness, to get under my skin and pull my head in all directions. Control my moods with a smile or a frown and leave me listless and anxious when she’s mad at me.

Didn’t I learn anything when she cut me off once before?

I don’t function when there is no Sophie. There’s only darkness and emptiness like someone took all the light and life out of the world.

I am so in love with her. Marriage and babies and forever kind of love for her.

It hits me like a slap in the face and I claw my cell back from the table, brain on auto pilot, mind reacting. Panic searing through me at a rate of noughts that I let myself be blind sighted by my own fear and stupidity and made the worst mistake of my life in losing her. Living in a zombie state because I have a broken heart, at my own hands, from running from the love of my life. For making her leave me and that everything since, has been one long bad nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

Such an idiot. I need to talk to her, I need to hear her voice again, to tell her I’m still here, that she still has me, that I love her, the way she loved me if she even still does. I need to end this agony for both of us and reach out to her. I want to know that she isn’t alone and dealing with shit by herself. I want to hug her more than anything right now and get back all that I threw away. I’ve waited and waited and now, I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to see her again. To feel her against me just for a second, one more time, and back track. Fix what I broke and do whatever she asks of me to mend this.

own two feet. She wasn’t built to be alone and I

live my life

hit the icon without questioning it anymore. I haven’t tried to call her for a couple of weeks because I didn’t know what to say or how to talk to her. I thought space was what I should give her. Holding it to my ear as my hands begin

a part of me that hoped she would have unblocked my cell at some point if I left her alone and Jake told her I wouldn’t try. That over time she would maybe want me to call her again. I do it again and get the same decisive noise, ripping my heart from my chest cruelly and twisting it back up before ramming it in my stomach. Praying that there must be a way to connect to my precious girl once more. I need her so much in this moment, now that my minds clear

know where she is, be able to call her. He can tell me how to get hold of her. I know he’s been seeing her, making sure all her bills are paid and I know she started school. Had to curb the urge to go there so many times or snoop his files for her address. Tried to just give her space, tried to not bring her up in every conversation

he isn’t long to answer.

the background and know he’s at home. It’s late, almost eight p.m. and I falter with a moment of doubt, knowing he isn’t going to be too pleased

shaky. I take a slow

want to hear from you, Arry... We’ve been through this.” Jake sounds pained, he knows I’ve been having a tough time dealing with her absence, but he doesn’t think I should try and get hold of her while I’m with Natasha. If anything, he’s been pissed at me for weeks, that I chose to fix this relationship... I guess I can see why now. He tried to tell me right from the start that I needed to really evaluate my feelings and fuck everything else. He hasn’t been shy about being

be urgent. Before I lose any more of the slight hold I may still have on her. All I want right now is just some sort

how to tell you.” Jakes voice is hoarse, emotional, he sounds like he is as devastated as me, but I cannot compute what he’s saying to me. Like he’s saying the words and a numb terrifying void opens

someone else?....... Sophie doesn’t let anyone close.” My voice breaks, heart crushing inside my chest and breath escaping me fast. My mind scrambling to decipher the words he’s hitting me with and

trails off and I stare blankly at the TV screen in front of me, numb with the shock of what he’s telling me. I can hear Jake’s raw pain, because he feels for me, he knows how this affects me. I guess it’s why he hasn’t told me until now. Except I

This is not happening.

left it too late. She’s not mine

down, heart constricting badly and pain choking me. The thought of Sophie with some other guy takes away the last blinkers that may have lingered and it nearly cripples me with jealousy, regret, and utter despair. I feel sick, shaking with the realization that she moved on, because I forced her to.

what I should have been. It’s not how it’s supposed to be. She’s mine, she’s always been mine... she stood in front of me and told me she loved me.

impossible to swallow through the razor blades caught in my throat. Mind consumed with how the hell I get her back. How I find her and beg her to

one gets to be to my girl what I should be. I don’t lose her this way, not after everything. It was never part of

I mean you didn’t call and say, it’s over...so.........” Jake seems to be pointing out the obvious and I nod numbly, slapped in the face by my own brother, sense coming back amidst the unbearable pain I’m in. He’s right. I didn’t. I called him to reach out to her,

make attempts at reaching for her. I’m an asshole and all of this is what I

and realize Tasha’s almost here, dragging my head and focus back to the here

I respond emptily, despite the turmoil of grief going off inside of me, too consumed with what I am feeling to say anything else or hear more about what I do not want to be true. I hang up before he responds, before he gives me a lecture, or just calls me out for being an, idiot, or an asshole. Before he crushes me with anymore truth that

I can’t think about this right now. I stand up when I hear the elevator ping again, pushing it all down expertly behind that face of coolness I excel at; amazed that in this much agony, I can still even

sustain life, I somehow manage to act normal. The noise this time indicating it’s hit my floor and I cradle my cell in my hand. Wiping my face with my sleeve in a bid to get ready to face her. I have no idea what the hell I’m going to say or do. I can barely get my head together and I’m still in my sweats and tee and look like I have been dragged through a bush. All I can do is concentrate on breathing as the internal turmoil tries to consume me.

about is what he said. There’s someone else...... My Sophs, has

organically. Sophie never ever tried to weld herself to me at all, it was always a natural thing, the two of us merging. Natasha tries so hard, all the time, to connect us, connect to my space and my life. It’s partly why

and looking like she always does, it can’t even touch on the emptiness consuming me. She will never be her. She isn’t her. She will never replace her. You can’t compare her

What have I

depositing the flowers on the counter and turns to me with a look of surprise on her pretty face. Taking in my appearance and then my expression with a questioning frown that she is