Love Aint Always Pretty

Pulchra Pulmentum

Translation: beautiful mess

Origin: Latin

51

I wiped my tears.

I'm crying.

The hell. I'm crying cos he kissed Penny.

I didn't go to the bathroom. I just wanted to get out of the couch. I headed out of the frat house cos the people on that table was suffocating and sucking out all the good vibes that's still left inside of me. I'll only get angrier if I stare at Penny longer. She's such a bitch. She always gets into my nerve. I sat down on the second step of the stairway on the front patio while everyone was inside.

I stared at the night sky, sometimes I wish that if I haven't come here the first time I was here, I couldn't have gotten involve to anything that is related with Nick. If he didn't come to my dorm room drunk that night, I wouldn't be curious about him. I wouldn't be madly in love with him if I didn't agree to what we have now.

"Savannah." That voice.

Im sure who it is but I just didn't turn around. My heart is racing fast again. Nick sits down right next to me and I feel like I couldn't breathe. I always walk away from him but he's always following me. He's suffocating me too. He's just everywhere I go. Even in my dreams, he's there. He's all I see. He's everywhere.

I gazed at him, he's now wearing his shirt and shoes. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be the one asking you that." I tell him.

"I think you're forgetting that I'm the President of this fraternity. Why did you come out here?" He answered.

I looked straight ahead. "Because I need some space. I need some air to breathe."

"About that kiss with Pen--"

"I don't really wanna hear it." I cut him off.

"You don't have to explain. I don't wanna talk about what happened a while ago or that night you saw me with Aries." I added.

I hear him sighing heavily and both of us went really quiet after that. I don't want to hear him explain to me whatever he needs to talk about the kiss he had with Penny. I don't have the right to know about it and he has no right to tell me. Im sure as hell that he enjoyed it. It was pretty much obvious. If he talks about Penny then I could feel the need to defend myself and the kiss I had with Aries. Gosh, Nick saw me and Aries kiss twice before him.

"About that night. Those words I told you, Im still sorry." he says again.

He still hasn't gotten over it. I smile sheepishly kind of touched by Nick. He doesn't get tired of saying his apologies.

"Nick, forget about that night." I say.

I gazed at him. "Forget about what you told me that night. We need to take this thing less seriously now. You need to help me so I could forget about you once this ends. Im so tired of getting hurt."

He looks at me seriously.

"We promised to keep it simple so stop acting like this cos when you're not around and nowhere to be seen, I always end up worrying about you." I say weakly.

I placed my lower lip in between my teeth and tried to hold in a cry.

I continued, "I always end up thinking about you, who you're with or where you are. And it hurts me so much cos I don't have the right to know about it cos--"

"I was just here Savannah. I didn't go anywhere. I was just in my room all these days. I was thinking." he cuts me off.

I exhale. I felt relieved when he said he was just here. He didn't go anywhere. A little hope creeps into my aching heart, making it feel a little bit better that he didn't spend time with Catherine but shatters right away when I say her name.

"I was thinking about you." He says.

Nick is sometimes somewhere in between a sweetheart and a complete asshole.

He's frustrating me.

"I was thinking about us too. And how I'm being so selfish cos I always hurt you. Tracy and I talked. I'm really sorry." He added.

There you go again Nick. There you go again doing that. Saying the right words to me and I'll be a complete fool for your sweet talking. I always fall for that. You always make things right. You always make me forget that I am mad at you. You always cause me pain but I still choose to love you.

"Your sorry sounds too redundant now Nick. My ears are growing tired of hearing it." I say.

Nick stands before me and extended me his hand. "I confuse you a lot, I know."

I bite my lip harder. I'm fighting my tears. I promised myself I won't cry in front of him anymore. Don't cry Savannah.

"But every time I see you kiss Aries, I get so mad and I know I shouldn't be mad but he's a better man than me. I know I shouldn't get your hopes up but I just need to say that to you. I only want to kiss your lips and no other man." He adds.

head in response. Nick stop this please. You're going to hurt me more if you say those sweet

he doesn't hurt you the way I always do." he

me Nick. The hurt you always cause towards me is a beautiful pain. For some reason, it is still beautiful to

There's no beauty in pain Savannah."

bent my head

will end, what you asked from me that night, I'll give it to you. I respect your decision if you want us to

I nod.

of you just yet. Hold

at me dolorously. It's like his eyes are telling me he doesn't

"Please." Nick begs.

tears are gathering around my eyes, making my vision blurry. Little by little, they're starting to crawl on my cheeks. I exhale heavily and I know he can see from my eyes that I'm starting to get tired of what we have but I'm still fighting for him. For me. For my love

stay for a little while. That's all I need. That's all

take this anymore. I don't know how I can carry this kind of pain. I just don't know if I'm still strong enough to

I even matter to you

before me and was still holding my hand. "Yes. You do Savannah. I'm not saying this just cos I need you to stay

in and exhaled heavily. Every time I exhale, I feel my heart aching. Every time I look at Nick, I always get hurt but then I always love how he

beautiful mess."

"We are. We sure

our love. He's toxic to my body but I still

my health but

me to drive you back to the dorm now?"

don't wanna go home yet." I

wanna go back inside

head.

He quickly follows me. I climbed into the passenger seat and so does

We're always quiet.

you wanna

the weekend at your house Nick." I

me. "What do you

I

I don't know why I chose that place. Of all places I could think of, I had to pick

I know it is.

looking at me while

"Yea. Now." I answered.

there. He sounded like he

haven't packed any of our clothes with us." He

have clothes left there. So let's go

he scratches the back of

going to be

wake you up

"Okay."

•••••

up." I hear

on a bed and Nick was sitting down on the edge of the right beside me. I pulled myself up and looked around. I'm in Tracy's old room now. I look at Nick

did we

five in the morning."

wake

up so I carried

stared at my watch.

He says

up to him. "Let's go down now?" He offers

a plateful of pancakes, sliced apples and peeled oranges, sliced bread

get some

I couldn't sleep." He

furrowing.

just can't sleep in this house. Every time I close my eyes, I see Cath...." He trailed off then exhales.

sigh. Now I'm hurt by

my upper lip. "Sorry I forced you to come

to be here." He paused and looked at me. "Why'd

wanted to get away from everything. From Penny. From Aries. Alec. Tracy. From everything and

He smiles.

were hiding from me and it's been kind of rocky between us lately so I

look at him longer. "We need to

He laughs. "Lapses."

I smiled shyly.

I want here. We

my mind

that?" He asks with a