Love Aint Always Pretty

Pulchra Pulmentum

Translation: beautiful mess

Origin: Latin

51

I wiped my tears.

I'm crying.

The hell. I'm crying cos he kissed Penny.

I didn't go to the bathroom. I just wanted to get out of the couch. I headed out of the frat house cos the people on that table was suffocating and sucking out all the good vibes that's still left inside of me. I'll only get angrier if I stare at Penny longer. She's such a bitch. She always gets into my nerve. I sat down on the second step of the stairway on the front patio while everyone was inside.

I stared at the night sky, sometimes I wish that if I haven't come here the first time I was here, I couldn't have gotten involve to anything that is related with Nick. If he didn't come to my dorm room drunk that night, I wouldn't be curious about him. I wouldn't be madly in love with him if I didn't agree to what we have now.

"Savannah." That voice.

Im sure who it is but I just didn't turn around. My heart is racing fast again. Nick sits down right next to me and I feel like I couldn't breathe. I always walk away from him but he's always following me. He's suffocating me too. He's just everywhere I go. Even in my dreams, he's there. He's all I see. He's everywhere.

I gazed at him, he's now wearing his shirt and shoes. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be the one asking you that." I tell him.

"I think you're forgetting that I'm the President of this fraternity. Why did you come out here?" He answered.

I looked straight ahead. "Because I need some space. I need some air to breathe."

"About that kiss with Pen--"

"I don't really wanna hear it." I cut him off.

"You don't have to explain. I don't wanna talk about what happened a while ago or that night you saw me with Aries." I added.

I hear him sighing heavily and both of us went really quiet after that. I don't want to hear him explain to me whatever he needs to talk about the kiss he had with Penny. I don't have the right to know about it and he has no right to tell me. Im sure as hell that he enjoyed it. It was pretty much obvious. If he talks about Penny then I could feel the need to defend myself and the kiss I had with Aries. Gosh, Nick saw me and Aries kiss twice before him.

"About that night. Those words I told you, Im still sorry." he says again.

He still hasn't gotten over it. I smile sheepishly kind of touched by Nick. He doesn't get tired of saying his apologies.

"Nick, forget about that night." I say.

I gazed at him. "Forget about what you told me that night. We need to take this thing less seriously now. You need to help me so I could forget about you once this ends. Im so tired of getting hurt."

He looks at me seriously.

"We promised to keep it simple so stop acting like this cos when you're not around and nowhere to be seen, I always end up worrying about you." I say weakly.

I placed my lower lip in between my teeth and tried to hold in a cry.

I continued, "I always end up thinking about you, who you're with or where you are. And it hurts me so much cos I don't have the right to know about it cos--"

"I was just here Savannah. I didn't go anywhere. I was just in my room all these days. I was thinking." he cuts me off.

I exhale. I felt relieved when he said he was just here. He didn't go anywhere. A little hope creeps into my aching heart, making it feel a little bit better that he didn't spend time with Catherine but shatters right away when I say her name.

"I was thinking about you." He says.

Nick is sometimes somewhere in between a sweetheart and a complete asshole.

He's frustrating me.

"I was thinking about us too. And how I'm being so selfish cos I always hurt you. Tracy and I talked. I'm really sorry." He added.

There you go again Nick. There you go again doing that. Saying the right words to me and I'll be a complete fool for your sweet talking. I always fall for that. You always make things right. You always make me forget that I am mad at you. You always cause me pain but I still choose to love you.

"Your sorry sounds too redundant now Nick. My ears are growing tired of hearing it." I say.

Nick stands before me and extended me his hand. "I confuse you a lot, I know."

I bite my lip harder. I'm fighting my tears. I promised myself I won't cry in front of him anymore. Don't cry Savannah.

"But every time I see you kiss Aries, I get so mad and I know I shouldn't be mad but he's a better man than me. I know I shouldn't get your hopes up but I just need to say that to you. I only want to kiss your lips and no other man." He adds.

head in response. Nick stop this please. You're going to

doesn't hurt you the way I always do."

Nick. The hurt you always cause towards me is a beautiful pain. For some reason, it is still beautiful to

There's no beauty in pain Savannah." He

bent my

from me that night, I'll give it to you. I respect your decision if you want us to end like that. But right now, I want us to make it last like this thing is

I nod.

of you just yet. Hold on to me a little

at him longer and his strong contrasted winter blue eyes are looking back at me dolorously. It's like his eyes are telling me he doesn't want us to end but his

"Please." Nick begs.

I'm still fighting for him. For me. For my love for him. I'm still hoping that he can love me, that we can be more than this. I'm still hoping for him even though it's obvious that he couldn't feel the same towards me cos he won't even

all I need. That's all I ask from you."

how long I can take this anymore. I don't know how I can carry this kind of pain. I just don't know if I'm still

matter to you

still holding my hand. "Yes. You do Savannah. I'm not saying this just cos I need you to stay with me longer but I

at Nick, I always get hurt but then I always love how he looks at me. I love it how he sets his eyes on me. God

a beautiful

"We are. We sure

alcohol tastes better than our love. He's toxic to my body but I

like an unprescribed drug, it's dangerous to my health but I

to drive you back to the dorm now?"

wanna go

So wanna go back

my head. "Take

and I headed to his car. He quickly follows me. I climbed into the passenger seat and so does he. Nick starts driving away

We're always quiet.

you wanna

weekend at

me. "What do you

to your old house. I wanna

that place. Of all places I could think

I know it is.

was still looking at me while the

"Yea. Now." I answered.

there. He sounded like

we haven't packed any of our clothes with us."

and Tracy have clothes left there.

the back of

watch and it was almost two in the morning. I know it's going to be a long

you want. I'll wake you

"Okay."

•••••

I

a bed. I'm lying down on a bed and Nick was sitting down on the edge of the right beside me. I pulled myself up and looked around. I'm in Tracy's old room now. I

we

the morning."

wake me

didn't want to wake you up so

bent my head down and stared at my watch. It's already nine in

He says

my eyes up to him. "Let's go down now?" He offers

and sat down. The table had a plateful of pancakes, sliced apples and peeled oranges, sliced bread and some bottles of jams and then there's milk. I moved my head up to him and smiled at

get some

couldn't sleep." He

furrowing. "Why

Every time I close my eyes, I see Cath...." He

of Catherine. I sigh. Now I'm hurt by my

bite my upper lip. "Sorry I forced you to come

to be here." He paused and looked at

wanted to get away from everything. From Penny. From Aries. Alec. Tracy. From everything and everyone in WSU." I pulled my head to him. "I wanted to be alone with

He smiles.

you for three days cos you were hiding from me and it's been kind of rocky between us lately

"We need to make time

He laughs. "Lapses."

I smiled shyly.

we can do anything you and I want here. We have the

my mind is

that?" He asks