Love Aint Always Pretty

Metanoia

- the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or the way of life

66

"Thanks for tonight Damon." I say as he parks his car back in the basement.

"Sure thing. Anytime Savannah."

Both of us headed out of his car while I was still thinking of texting Nick back. After all these months he makes his way to me again asking if how I was. How insensitive is he still asking me that question? What could he possibly be thinking about while he was typing it asking me how I could've been these months after he left me just like that. My anger is now even more igniting again but I try to ignore Nick cos that's what he did to me.

Damon and I headed inside the elevator together until we reached our floor and walked out to the hallways. My mind was still thinking about Nick and I wanted to know about all these unanswered questions I have in mind. I wanted to know where he was, why he left me and why did he just text me now. But I'm scared of his answer, what if his answer will be related to his past again? I'm not ready to hear more from it cos I thought it was everything I needed to know.

But what if Cameron was right? What if there's more I need to know about Nick?

Damon and I headed out of the elevator and walked to each of our apartment. I literally stopped walking and froze when I stood right close to my door. Damon stops with me and looks into me then stares back at where I was looking. He's there. He's standing there right in front of my door. Im not hallucinating. I know I see him. I know what I see right now. And now I'm having a hard time breathing. My heart is going crazy and crazier every second I remember how he left me. I'm not ready to face him. I'm not ready.

"Savannah." He calls out to me.

"Nick..." I say breathlessly.

Nick's eyes moved to Damon and then Damon quickly marched his way to his own door while he glued his eyes on Nick. "Will you be ok?" Damon asked me.

I nod. "Yes. Thanks again Damon."

"Anytime. Goodnight Savannah. See you tomorrow." Damon says.

Damon marched his way inside his room which leaves me alone with Nick in this hallway. He's looking right at me while I was fighting myself from crying. I don't want to cry in front of him I want him to think that I wasn't affected when he left me. I want to slap Nick so badly. I want to pull his hair. I want to rip all of his skin from his body.

As I look at him longer, Nick still looks the same. He wore his usual clothes and his black leather jacket that I love the most when he's wearing it. Nick is really here. I couldn't believe it. I walked closer to my door and ignored him. I tried my headrest to ignore him.

I was having a hard time fishing my keys from my bag as I feel my hands shaking while I try to open my goddamn door. Damn where's that key.

"Savannah." Nick calls out to me.

I bite my lip hard cos my tears are already blurring my vision and I'm still trying hard not to let it fall on my cheeks while I'm still trying to insert my key to open this fucking door.

Damn this fucking door!

"Baby.." He calls out again.

I took a deep breath in and faced him.

"Don't you dare call me baby. Don't you dare." I say as my tears are now falling.

Nick tries to walk closer but I push his hands away from me. "Don't touch me Nick. I don't need you here. What are you still doing here? Why did you still show up huh? I thought you're gone. You left me right? I don't need you!"

I faced my door again and tried struggling to open it once more and finally I did it. I hurriedly rushed inside my apartment and Nick was fast enough to follow me in. I tried to push him out of my door but he was too strong. I turned on the lights while he closed the door as I face him. My tears are still creeping out from my eyes.

"What do you still want from me?! Why did you still show up?!" I yelled at him.

"Savannah--"

I yelled again.

don't wanna hear what you're gonna say to me! I'm so tired of this! You're here the first days, you say sweet things to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you make love to me and then the following morning you're gone. Just like that Nick. It's just like you're making me feel I'm

instead he's just looking into

girlfriend. Why do I don't feel it at all? I have a label with you now but I don't feel it cos we never showed it to anybody! I should know where you were and you should be telling me about it! You were gone for

and I was trying to

none of your business." I

to take a deep breath in. My tears are filling up my eyes again but I quickly wiped

was that guy?" He

you? You're doing

to know who that guy was! I'm still your

guts to call yourself you're my

cheek as hard as I could

know where the actual fuck

intently and still no words

can't just tell me you love me one day and then leave me the next day. You can't do that Nick! I didn't know you were this troubled! I can't believe you could do this to me! I fought for my parents for you but I guess they were right. You were only

I'm so tired of whatever we have or we had. I don't even think what we had was a relationship cos it didn't feel like it."

held the back of his neck. He sighs heavily as he tried to pull his

don't think I'm ready to hear whatever he's gonna say to me but my lips are trembling cos I know he's gonna say something bad that will terrible

to see you." He

just feels heavier every single second I am spending more time with Nick in this room for the first

"Second." He adds.

going to say next. My

end it."

step on my heart until it runs out of blood. I breathe out an airy whimper as I cover my mouth with my hand. My tears were unstoppable now. My tears are coming out while my heart is aching so much that I feel it being stabbed in all directions. I couldn't believe he would show up in my apartment just to tell me he wants to end it.

looks at me

I do wrong Nick?" I

if they saw you but they didn't. I don't know if you told them not to tell

me, to

to pick it up. What did I do wrong that made you fucking leave me? What did I do wrong?!" I fell onto the

to where I am and knelt down before me. He holds my arms but he looked

so sorry." He

ever say! All the freaking time!" I wiped my

me! Don't keep on apologizing if you're just gonna continue doing the shit you're sorry for! Fuck you Nick!" I spit as my tears kept streaming

my small hands. He lets me hit him. I hit him harder and harder with all the force that's left in me after he took

move away. Nick is taking all the hits. I look at him with so much anger inside my body that is battling with my heart because my heart tells me I need to stop him from leaving me but my mind tells me that I need to do this for my own good even if I love him. I know I've suffered a lot. I've sacrificed a lot for Nick. For my love for Nick. I'm such a fool. I know I'm a self-aware fool but this

can never love me the way

you cos I want to finish it clearly between you

a massive pain in my chest,

it? Tell me! Is she prettier than me? Is

away. "There's nobody else Savannah. There's only you. I just... I just need some

I already told you about that! Why do you always fucking tell yourself you're not?! Damn it Nick!" I pushed my hair

good enough for me even though he is more than enough. I wonder if he ever loved me.

don't have any money to make you feel proud of me." He

don't need money! I need you! Why can't you see that?! Why do you keep on hurting me?!" I covered my face with my