Love Aint Always Pretty

Metanoia

- the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or the way of life

66

"Thanks for tonight Damon." I say as he parks his car back in the basement.

"Sure thing. Anytime Savannah."

Both of us headed out of his car while I was still thinking of texting Nick back. After all these months he makes his way to me again asking if how I was. How insensitive is he still asking me that question? What could he possibly be thinking about while he was typing it asking me how I could've been these months after he left me just like that. My anger is now even more igniting again but I try to ignore Nick cos that's what he did to me.

Damon and I headed inside the elevator together until we reached our floor and walked out to the hallways. My mind was still thinking about Nick and I wanted to know about all these unanswered questions I have in mind. I wanted to know where he was, why he left me and why did he just text me now. But I'm scared of his answer, what if his answer will be related to his past again? I'm not ready to hear more from it cos I thought it was everything I needed to know.

But what if Cameron was right? What if there's more I need to know about Nick?

Damon and I headed out of the elevator and walked to each of our apartment. I literally stopped walking and froze when I stood right close to my door. Damon stops with me and looks into me then stares back at where I was looking. He's there. He's standing there right in front of my door. Im not hallucinating. I know I see him. I know what I see right now. And now I'm having a hard time breathing. My heart is going crazy and crazier every second I remember how he left me. I'm not ready to face him. I'm not ready.

"Savannah." He calls out to me.

"Nick..." I say breathlessly.

Nick's eyes moved to Damon and then Damon quickly marched his way to his own door while he glued his eyes on Nick. "Will you be ok?" Damon asked me.

I nod. "Yes. Thanks again Damon."

"Anytime. Goodnight Savannah. See you tomorrow." Damon says.

Damon marched his way inside his room which leaves me alone with Nick in this hallway. He's looking right at me while I was fighting myself from crying. I don't want to cry in front of him I want him to think that I wasn't affected when he left me. I want to slap Nick so badly. I want to pull his hair. I want to rip all of his skin from his body.

As I look at him longer, Nick still looks the same. He wore his usual clothes and his black leather jacket that I love the most when he's wearing it. Nick is really here. I couldn't believe it. I walked closer to my door and ignored him. I tried my headrest to ignore him.

I was having a hard time fishing my keys from my bag as I feel my hands shaking while I try to open my goddamn door. Damn where's that key.

"Savannah." Nick calls out to me.

I bite my lip hard cos my tears are already blurring my vision and I'm still trying hard not to let it fall on my cheeks while I'm still trying to insert my key to open this fucking door.

Damn this fucking door!

"Baby.." He calls out again.

I took a deep breath in and faced him.

"Don't you dare call me baby. Don't you dare." I say as my tears are now falling.

Nick tries to walk closer but I push his hands away from me. "Don't touch me Nick. I don't need you here. What are you still doing here? Why did you still show up huh? I thought you're gone. You left me right? I don't need you!"

I faced my door again and tried struggling to open it once more and finally I did it. I hurriedly rushed inside my apartment and Nick was fast enough to follow me in. I tried to push him out of my door but he was too strong. I turned on the lights while he closed the door as I face him. My tears are still creeping out from my eyes.

"What do you still want from me?! Why did you still show up?!" I yelled at him.

"Savannah--"

yelled again. I

this! You're here the first days, you say sweet things to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you make love to me and then the following morning

me but instead he's just

all? I have a label with you now but I don't feel it cos we never showed it to anybody! I should know where you were and you should be telling me about it! You were gone for seven fucking months without telling

at me intently and I was trying to catch my breath. "Why did

none of your

in. My tears are filling up my eyes again but I quickly wiped

that guy?"

this, will you? You're doing this again! It's

to know who that guy was! I'm still

the guts to call yourself you're my boyfriend?" I shake

hard as I

where the actual fuck they

and still no words were coming

believe you could do this to me! I fought for my parents for you but I guess they were right.

whatever we have or we had. I don't even think what we had was a relationship cos it

brought his head down and held the back of his neck. He sighs heavily as he tried to pull his head back up and looked at me. "I came here for two

reason why he came here for. I don't want to know about that. I don't think I'm ready to hear whatever he's gonna say to me but my lips are trembling cos I know he's gonna

to

am spending more time with Nick in this room for the first time after

"Second." He adds.

don't want to hear what he's going to say next. My hands are cold and shaking. My tears are gathering behind my eyelids and it's falling more

it." He

with my hand. My tears were unstoppable now. My tears are coming out while my heart is aching so much that I feel it being stabbed in all directions. I couldn't believe he would show up in my apartment just to tell me he wants to end it. He really wants to end it. He wants to end what we have. I pulled my head up with all the courage I have left in me

at

do wrong Nick?" I asked him with

I went out asking everybody that knows you if they saw you but they didn't. I don't know if you told them not to tell me where

deep breath in. I waited for Nick to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me.

bother to pick it up. What did I do wrong that made you fucking leave me? What did I do wrong?!" I fell onto the ground and just

where I am and knelt down before me. He holds my arms but

so sorry." He

could ever say! All the freaking time!" I wiped my

me! Don't keep on apologizing if you're just gonna continue doing the shit you're sorry

then he stands too. I wiped my tears away, I hit his chest with my small hands. He lets me hit him. I hit him harder and harder with all the force that's left in me after he took it all out from me. "I

mind tells me that I need to do this for my own good even if I love him. I know I've suffered a lot. I've sacrificed a lot for Nick. For my love for Nick. I'm such a fool.

me the way I love him cos he

to see you cos I want to finish it clearly between you and me."

my lower lip as I feel a massive pain in my chest, crushing me. Kicking me in my

it? Tell me! Is she prettier than me? Is

you. I just... I just need

to have me! I already told you about that! Why do you always fucking tell yourself you're not?! Damn it Nick!" I pushed my hair back as I walk away

I stop by the kitchen counter and he looks at me eagerly. I can see it in his eyes that he loves me but he's so afraid that he's not good enough for me even though he is more than enough. I wonder if he ever loved me. If I even owned his heart even just for a while. Nick. Why do I love you this much?

don't have any money to make you

Why can't you see that?! Why do you keep on hurting me?!"