The Carrero Contract - Selling Your Soul (Mafia Romance)

These are things people figure out before they marry someone, and here we are, already invested and now I’m thinking about the fact I should have told him this already.

Babies! Not a fucking chance in hell.

He won’t know, unless he did read all my journals, but even then. I wouldn’t say it was obvious from those diary excerpts that my inability to have kids was permanent or even a blessing. I went over the abortion and such and the after-effects and recovery, but I don’t think I ever spelt it out, in black and white, that my body no longer produces eggs for any chance of fertilisation.

How do you tell the man cradling a newborn like he was born to do so if that’s where his hopes lie then it won’t happen with me?

How do I tell him that I can’t give him this and wouldn’t want to even if I could?

Is this what he wants?

The happy 2.4 children, family home and Carrero expected happily ever after?

Jesus Christ. Fuck, fuckity, fuck.

I never thought something so stupid could be the end of us, and now it’s staring me in the face like a huge dark hole just about to pull me in and crush me to oblivion. He’s a Carrero and their family is of all-consuming importance to them; of course, he would want to carry on his lineage and make a new generation of little Alexis. I was so stupid to never even think of this before now. It changes everything.

I literally lose all strength; limbs turn to jelly and my blood runs icy. It’s hard to take a breath and tears prick at my eyes as all I have held onto the last few days turns to dust in my fingers and I can’t hold on anymore.

“What’s wrong, you look like you’re on the verge of hyperventilating? What is it?” Alexi hands off the baby to an appearing Alessandra, expertly and smoothly, who instantly coos and mollycoddles the ugly little bundle of diaper rash and sleepless nights and I try to blink away the mounting tears. Even she, the sexy lingerie model, has more maternal instincts in her pinkie than I have in my whole being. It just adds to the devastation of my heart and I can’t even look at him.

“I’m just … tired. Heat … umm … jet lag.” I stammer out my excuses but that telltale frown shows he knows I’m talking shit. He knows me just as well as I know him, and he is not buying my sudden deterioration as anything other than what it seems to him. That I’m upset.

“Let’s go get some air in the shade.” He doesn’t wait for a refusal, bossy mode initiated, he just hoists me to my feet sharply by the hand, so I cannot even refuse, and pulls me towards the darkest part of the garden behind some huge outbuildings. I stumble as I walk, trying to keep up with his brisk pace, and I can feel the tension beginning to come off him in droves as he gets agitated with my sudden change of mood. I trip a couple of times now I have my heels back on and they don’t do well with thick grass. He stops to pull them off my feet for me, face a picture of seriousness, and without saying a word, tosses them aside out of the way so we can leave them here, and continues pulling me after him.

“Where are you taking me?” I watch him warily, questioning as my head does a three thousand miles a minute somersault, and I turn into a melting pot of anxiety, devastation and worst outcomes for our forever. It’s all just gone up in a puff of smoke in my brain. My insides are screaming, my heart bleeding and I’m dreading the words I know I need to say to him.

“To be alone, and you are going to tell me why you suddenly look like you’re either going to cry, throw up or pass out.” It’s a stern statement, that usual emotionless tone but I can tell he’s concerned. My face is heating up which means my cheeks are clearly getting some colour back, but I’m trembling, and I really don’t feel good at all. I feel like I’m sliding into quicksand and there will be that moment of panic as suffocation snubs me out. Standing on a precipice.

How the hell do I tell him and burst our happy bubble once and for all?

I cling onto his hand for dear life, almost like it’s my last chance to touch him, even though I know that’s stupid. My overthinking, terrified insecure brain going into overdrive. My own worst enemy sometimes and I tremble all over.

He gets us out of sight behind the building, along a tree line and little private path that seems to lead to another building, stopping me in the space and turns me so I can lean back against the wall and look at him. It’s a secluded private space in complete shadow, with no prying eyes, where we can be completely alone. Caught between a huge fence and a building with an overhanging of thick foliage.

I wonder if this was a known hiding place for him when he lived here.

Steadying my trembling body and trying to take a normal breath to inflate my painful lungs. I swallow hard to curb tears and try to avoid that penetrating stare as he eats into my soul with a dissecting look. I lose all bravado under his scrutiny and sink back, sighing it all out to just crumble under his presence. Knowing it will come out, either way, it’s inevitable.

“Is that what you want? Babies, a family and all the stereotypical life with a wife BS?” I gesture back towards the path we came, it all comes out in a desperate gush, bordering on tears and I literally fall apart. My cool, composed act dissolves wholly and I wrap myself up in my own arms, eyes filling as I watch him for the devastating answer that’s about to shred my heart to pieces.

“Do I want babies? Life with wife BS? What has gotten into you?” He just sounds dumbfounded and a little amused by my question and totally misses the point completely. Reaching out to touch my face with a gentle hand but I push it away, unable to bear it right now while our future hangs in the balance.

“Do you see us having kids? Is that what you planned or hoped for, is that what you need in your happy future?” This time it’s a low-key wail and the tears threatening to burst forth spill out gently, warmth sliding down my cheeks, but Alexi just stares at me as though I have two heads.

“Why are you bringing this up now? Is this what’s gotten you so upset?” It’s not an answer, it’s another deflection, and it breaks me. Pathetic woman once more with tears and ridiculous over emotional reactions turning into a sodden mess at this guy’s feet. I start to sniff and whimper pathetically.

“I can’t … babies are a no, ever. Even if I wanted to keep you by giving you one. I couldn’t. That life, that dream will never be a reality if you stick with me, Alexi. I can’t have kids and I don’t even want any if I could. There’s no future for us if that’s what you need.” It’s blurted out in a trembling mess, splattered with sniffs and tears as I get myself all twisted up inside and hysterical, awaiting death by divorce. He has no clue how deeply this will destroy me. Losing him now, after everything, will be the end of me. My lungs completely deflate, and I struggle so hard to catch my breath.

“Jesus Christ, Cam. You see me cuddle my niece and suddenly, you’re having a meltdown thinking I want to knock you up and reproduce. Calm down and take a breath.”

It’s a weird tone I cannot read, and I just blink at him, hopeless at stopping my tears. He seems at a loss about whether to touch me or not, his hand hovering and then he straightens up and looks away for a second to regain his own composure. His frown smoothing as he adopts a gentler expression and comes back at me. He leans in against the wall, placing a hand over my head so he can get close without properly touching me and sighs. Moving in so he’s right against me and it brings me to focus rather than my flailing erratic crying.

“I know you can’t have kids. I read your journals. It’s never been an issue, and the reason we haven’t talked about this is I figured it was obvious I knew. Even before, we never used protection and yet you never asked me why?” That soft tone of my gentle lover, the eyes I love caressing me with a tenderness he reserves for me when I’m fragile. Low and sultry, calming me with words. I stop dying by suffocation and take a quick gasping breath.

brain is trying to process and filter what he is saying, and the expression on his overly calm face as I wipe at my sodden cheeks, helps me feel slightly less hysterical at his response. I

obvious he knew all along as he seems completely

queried that. I figured you were on birth control at first, hospital tested you as clean but

hospital asking if I would consent to a complete health sweep, which included sexual health, when I was there, and it dawns on me that he probably requested it before putting me in his club.

Dickhead.

runs his hands through his hair and fixes me with a very serious expression. Slightly agitated and that restless energy peeking through.

I be? What would I pass on and why would I put my kids in danger the way my father did with us? It’s bad enough worrying about keeping you safe twenty-four seven, I just couldn’t be a father. I never saw kids in my future either and still don’t.” He pulls me to him, meeting no rejection from my limp self this time and wipes my face gently, removing the

if one day …” I start again, brain doing what she always does, picking everything apart to mess me up more than I am already. That infernal deep-rooted insecurity that I will never truly

ten years ago, Cam.” It’s a straight-faced, factual statement, and he throws it out there between

Bam!

goldfish this time, mouth widening and just blink like a weirdo. All hysteria slapped silent and his words are like an icy bucket

not sure I

sure a one-night fuck didn’t come back at me with an unwanted pregnancy. Women are

between us in the cool air of the shade. A silent, tense moment as my brain processes this and he waits on me to catch up, hand still tracing gentle lines on my cheek as he soothes me and

that kids would be a never. I know him. He doesn’t make decisions lightly

made for me in

doubt, my sadness and panic dispersing as though all this was

moment, I slide my other hand into his and relax a little when he tangles our fingers together snugly. Believing him, feeling reassured by what he’s told me. Inhaling slowly to self-calm and locking eyes on his to gauge if he is being one hundred percent honest with

were reversible, so one day you might decide …” It’s an unsteady, trembling whisper. I just need to

Not a chance. I never want kids. I made that decision a long time ago and even marrying you hasn’t changed my mind on that. I don’t need kids when my family produce

head trying to take it in and remove all doubts and fears slowly. My nerves returning to calm and I’m left drained and emotional from

head in disgust, the thought of baby vomit and dirty diapers are a no for me, and I guess I want no more illusions or misunderstandings on this front. Confident in our love once more and finding my stability again as my voice

that. Babies kind of kill the Mafia boss street cred, anyway.” He smiles properly this time, a warm chuckle that melts me to my core and makes it all okay again. He pushes me back against the wall a tad forcefully, so he can lean in to rest his nose against mine and completely cages me in with his body, so I’m cocooned in all that is him. He trails another soft stroke down my

of disaster.” It’s a grin, dimples and all, and this time I giggle

and get right to that instead of

me into submission, hands skimming my curves as he raises my body heat with tongue and tonsil action before pulling away, leaving me breathless. My body peaks up faster

we’re leaving, to go shag and have some more dirty whore sex?’ I twinkle a mischievous smile

say our goodbyes while you take off your underwear and get warmed up. I’ll get us out of here faster if all I can think about is your lack of panties under that dress.” Another quick kiss and a fondle between my thighs have me nodding

over to remove my thong sexily, slowly and deliberately, aware of his eyes trailing my hands as I do so and

he lifts my foot off and slides the nude coloured lace off the last inches and puts them inside his jacket pocket. Eyes on me, steadily eating into me as he pictures me out of this dress, no doubt. Lust evident on him as it is on me and it gives me

many levels I can almost taste the desire growing thick inside me. I have plans of my own too, something that has been at the back of my mind the last few days, niggling away. A detail I have been pondering as

will like and will be a huge leap of

to the forefront and made me feel insecure for all of ten

tell his family we are leaving. I idle by the path at this far edge and pull my shoes on as I wait for him. Watching him with a strange contentment stilling my nerves as various family members hug and kiss him. Looking so at home with them and much more relaxed than when we arrived. My stupid tears have stopped, and

off, wondering if she has returned to her basement to go throw some bat wings in her cauldron. Maybe gone to stuff more

smile and a quick kiss to my cheek before we continue. It pulls a happy smile from me and I thank my stars he is who he is, and no

are burning a hole in my pocket.” He pats the chest of his

work on with him so he can learn to cut that bitch’s hold on him and set it

altogether.” It’s a tense tone, his agitation swirling again, and I guess it won’t be a bad thing to swerve her completely. For his sanity and to avoid any ugliness in the absence

without him once again. She seems like a snide manipulative

compared to the outside sun and noise of babbling people. Eerily so. We walk across to the main door on a cold tiled

a coffee before we head out.” Her shrill,

my way before changing route and hauls me into the door to the left, pulling me in fast and closing it as quietly as he can. So swift he almost knocks me off my feet and my heels barely touch the floor. We are suddenly encased in a dark room with

eyes adjust and he ushers me further in, bodily pushing me into the dark depths away from the door so

detour to get by her. This is her study, there’s another door over the other side to the hall entry.

he stubs his foot on something as we try to navigate

but the lack of her voice out there suggests the doors are thicker than they

as he switches on a desk lamp, and I realise I was walking right into a love seat in front of me. Another step and I would have been sprawled on top of

his shin and I guess he got attacked by the arm of the same chair. It would have been a noisy topple with both

blink around at the tiny room and immediately