The Carrero Heart - Beginning (Friends to Lovers)

I slump back, mirroring Emma’s casual pose as the small happy laughter and squeals echo gently from outside with Jake’s voice intermingled and drift our way. Emma leans back for a second to peek outside, a warmth hitting her face and lighting up her eyes before she returns to focus on me.

“Well?” Emma reminds me. I was sitting watching her, my head lost somewhere between her ten thousand questions and just sheer fatigue.

“I’ve been better! Life sucked here and yet still sucked in New York, so go figure. I’ve felt better, and Arrick pretty much made me come home, so I guess I didn’t really choose it.” I shrug and swipe my mug to take a mouthful of the strong coffee, Italian roast or something Jake, ‘the coffee connoisseur’, has obviously filled it with. I blanch at how strong it is, even with creamer.

“Bristly … Uncharacteristically so.” Emma raises eyebrows my way with only a look of calculation on her face, no doubt her psychology degree working overtime in that quick brain to pinpoint the route to my awful personality facelift.

“It’s a touchy subject and getting off the defensive is harder than it seems.” I sink down again, reprimanded and scolded, even though she has barely tried to.

“I’m getting a little tension where Arrick is concerned. Are you two fighting over you coming home?” Emma leans in towards me, studying me closely, and pushes her mug to one side so she can rest her elbows and arms across, making it comfortable to lean her ample bust on. That instant sharp slicing shard hits my heart again, blinking back the almost instant prickle of tears and bite on my lip to curb it. Hating how his name can bring it on like this.

problems are so not his thing anymore.” I state sharply then have to sniff back the emotion that threatens to spill over. Emma regards

even with a life elsewhere, he will always find the time for you. In fact, I know he will. It’s just a fight; something that will pass. Do you want to talk about it?” Emma smiles gently, urging me to open up, but I only shrug more. I shake my head

my own and accept that he is moving on in life. I can’t keep expecting him to always pick up the broken pieces for me, and I get the vibe he doesn’t want to anymore either.” I fiddle with the handle of my mug, unable to retain eye contact while feeling so utterly

losing what you two had? That you maybe miss him?” Emma frowns softly, her brows framing soft blue eyes in an endearingly pleading

a while, but then … I don’t know, Emma. Something changed inside of me, and in the last couple of years, it’s just kept growing.” The words flood out in a rapid flow of relief, just pouring out because I need them to. Because I am sick of mulling this over alone, and I trust that she will never judge me, because this is what she does for me, always has. Effortlessly gets me to talk, even when I don’t want to. She was the first person I ever admitted to that I ran from violence and sexual abuse, back when I didn’t even know her. It

Emma soothes. Watching and retaining everything I

know why it’s there, or how to fix it, Ems. It just shadows me all the time, and at first, getting trashed and partying helped me ignore it.” The heavy ball of anxiety expands to a heavy weight through my entire torso, aching and groaning internally with the effort

long have you felt this way? More specifically, when did you first notice it?” Her voice is soft and even, regarding me seriously, lifting her own mug to take a calm sip. She is in therapist mode and I know the drill. They ask a question

don’t know, a while. I can’t pinpoint it. I don’t remember feeling this way until after I went on that skiing trip with Arrick and his friends a couple years back. That is the last real memory I have of feeling complete stillness in here.” I tap my heart again, frustrated with whatever this is. Glad that I have someone who can maybe help figure out the root cause, and that maybe, finally, there is something I can do about it. “After that, it was just was there, and it got worse and worse until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I can’t think straight because I don’t even know what it is. I’m so sick of the nothing it makes me feel in life … Like that